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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Because I think you were quite rude to lecture or shame her about it. The focus of baptism should be the child, not that parents, and many liberal churches will christen or baptize a baby without castigating the parents one way or another. Her marital status is really not the point.
I can also understand inviting the larger family, if you invite one relative, it's hard not to invite all of the other relatives as well.
That being said, tell them you can't host them, contribute to their hotel if you can afford it, and give them control of some aspect of the ceremony you don't care about. Maybe the reception? If they have other suggestions, just smile politely and say, "Thanks for the suggestion, I'll consider it."
Most of all, remember that this day is for your baby, so concentrate on making it a good memory to share later.
Dear It's My Party,
1.| Technically, it's your son's party... not yours. That means all the people who are related to him want to be included.
Dealing with in-laws takes getting used to for many people. Keep in mind that they feel about their son, your fiance', the way you feel about your son. You are related by blood now, scary as it may be to realize that. It's unfortunate that you're not married yet, because there is potential for this type of conflict to poison a relationship. Try to think of it as an effort toward peace in the Middle East. If we can't even get along with dysfunctional relatives, what hope is there?
2.| Ask your fiance' to speak to his siblings about the hotel arrangements. He can tell them that he's worried about Mom and Dad being all alone and far away without anyone to help them. (It sounds like they really could use help.)
Also have him mention that the baby has been having trouble sleeping / is colicky / or some other excuse, so it would really be best to avoid having a big, disruptive gathering at the house right before the christening. Offer to pool resources so everyone can stay at the cheaper hotel together. (Think of what they'll save on gas!) Unless you have a McMansion, it should easy enough to chalk it up to not having the room to host everyone.
3.| No one can hijack your plans unless *you* let them, especially long-distance. Give out as little information as possible and if they want to help, just respond cheerfully, "I think that's all covered. Thanks for offering to help!"
4.| Expect the unexpected. Realize that no matter how much you try to control these types of events, something unexpected will pop up. It may help to think of yourself as participating in one great big improvisational comedy. (Our secular wedding, for example, was officiated by a female pastor from the Society for Ethical Culture. My husband is an atheist. His mother stood up and interrupted the ceremony because she 'had to' invoke Jesus's blessing. Talk about hijacking.)
Please heed Cary's well-founded advice. Oh, and grow up, for the sake of your baby.
Best wishes!
snark
some churches do christenings, some do infant baptisms, basically same ceremony.
As far as baptisms go, some churches pour water on the head, some dunk the person (adult) entirely, i.e., the Baptists, hence where the name came from.
Thanks for the clarification, but that's not exactly what I was confused about. I know what a christening is. I've just never heard of making such a big deal about it, like inviting people from out of town for it. It's as if someone told me they sent out invitations to their son's first baseball game.
Thank you, Cary. Thank you!
And now you will probably thank *me,* because I am on deadline at work and don't have time to endlessly rant about how nerve-janglingly annoying it can be when folks roll out the High Church red carpet (I suspect because it'll get them cool schwag) for events like weddings and christenings when they haven't even bothered to PRETEND to play by the "rules" that you might think would normally apply. Or how peeved a sentence like, "I met this great guy, we moved in together, we had a beautiful son, and now we are getting married" makes me. You didn't need to be married to procreate, so why now? Oh - wait - is it the party?!?! And the pretty presents?!?!? And the inevitable shower for the baby, shower for the bride, shower shower party party spell financee with an accent ague and look at me me me me me GIVE ME STUFF AND PRAISE ME! folderol that accompanies all of these empty ceremonies.
Jeepers. Gimme a break. And thank you, Cary and everyone, for listening.
Thank you, Cary! Thank you!
And now you will probably want to thank me, because I am on deadline and work and can't go off into an incoherent rant about how this letter simply peeved me. And how this behavior in general can be so painfully annoying. A sentence like, "I met a great guy, we moved in together, we had a beautiful son, and now we're engaged," just jangles my nerves, and I think you are right to mention it. The writer obviously did not feel the need to get married prior to spawning an offspring - yet now she and her fiancée (oh yes please, let's call him her fiancée and spell it all properly, like it means something) are hosting a christening ceremony - and soon come the wedding!
My take on this is rather different than Cary's, though. I find this annoying not only because people who have sham religious ceremonies when it suits them and not in the proper order that one might think required by the actual religion in question are behaviorally inconsistent. I find it annoying - and insulting, when I'm invited to these things - because a part of me is always deeply suspicious that the party-throwers are only doing it for the schwag. For the party. For the attention. And for the presents. It is all part of the now-horribly-prevalent culture of shower shower baby shower wedding shower bridal shower party party look at me look at me look at me I'm a pretty princess GIVE ME PRESENTS AND MORE PRESENTS! folderol that accompanies modern weddings and christenings.
And then, of course, the party-throwers are always put out! Aghast! Incredulous! That someone else - a family member, say, who thought they might be an interested party - would venture an opinion. Would want to save money by staying at the house. Dear letter writer - you invited these people! They thought you wanted them to come. This isn't an inexpensive proposition - a cross-country flight, maybe new shoes or a new dress - and you, dear letter writer, would be terminally aggrieved if there were no PRESENT involved, right? So if some family members want to stay at your house rather than incur more expense in honor of you and your out-of-wedlock (OMG, I want to say "brat," but I am stopping myself) son, what's so terrible about that? You are getting MARRIED, yes? So these people will soon be your FAMILY, right? And what's that Mark Twain said about family? Oh - yes - your family are those people who, when you have nowhere else to go, have to take you in.
You might want to think about that. Harrumph.
Sorry. I did end up ranting there.
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