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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I'm not sure why Cary lectured the LW on religious hypocrisy. American Catholics are the biggest hypocrites around and they do it without breaking a sweat. I grew up with the tradition of the huge christening ceremony followed by the huge party with 100+ people in attendance. It's more of a social ritual than anything else, a way to introduce your baby to family and friends. Same with the First Communion and Confirmation. Other than those ceremonies, many families never go to church at all. I can see why that upsets the church but why does Cary give a shit?
LW, I'm confused. What exactly is the problem? You've stated many times you feel like you are losing control of the situation, but you did not really state any sort of problem that I can see. Your husband's siblings are staying with you, and his parents are staying a little further away in a hotel that they can afford. How does this mean that you are losing control of the christening? It makes no sense. You didn't give any relevant details that would assist anyone in understanding exactly what the problem is. What rules are you wanting to make - that you want to be the chauffeurs?! This is your husband's family coming into town for your baby's christening, and you refer to them as your uninvited houseguests?!?!
Is anybody else as confused is me?
Those of us who have read that great novel Tess of the Durbervilles will remember how, thanks to the perfidy of her father, the baby dies before it is baptised and therefore cannot be buried in holy ground. Therefore Tess sneaks out in the middle of the night and bury the child secretly in the churchyard, risking possible eternal damnation herself. (Of course, later on, she goes the whole hog and kills the baby father for good measure).
We seem to have come quite a long way in 100 years or so, and as far as I know the Church of England has slightly relaxed the rules on christenings.
The mother should be grateful that the child is getting a timely baptism, and that the family wants to be involved.
To begin with, I agree with the writer of "What's the fuss, again?" What IS the fuss? Relatives are a pain. Big surprise. It's even worse when it's your "spouse's" relatives and you don't know all the family shorthand. Believe me, he's just as uncomfortable with your family -- even if he doesn't tell you. You'll need to learn to get past that and a lot more if you're going to be successfully married, much less successfully raise a kid or two or ten.
But the real point here is Cary. I love how he sometimes sees so far behind the scenes in his response. He sometimes misses the mark, but when he's right it's a pretty powerful read. Today falls on the powerful side, and he rightly puts the blame for the "loss of control" on the LW because she never did anything to give herself control of the situation. Not many other advice columnists would, I think, divine that based on this otherwise persuasively written letter.
Genius, man.
How is it even possible to hijack a Christening? Were they trying to go all John-The-Baptist on you and serve locusts & wild honey at the afterparty? Emily Post & Miss Manners are great on how to host a swoiree, but this isn't a graduation party, baby shower or Bridesmaids luncheon, it's a Sacrament for pete's sake!!!
The whole point is to commit to raising your child to know and serve Jesus. Long before you can start teaching your precious progeny to memorize scripture or make him go to Sunday School, you do that by being an example. So how about taking some time with the WWJD book and find out how to be that example. Let's all turn to Hebrews 13:2. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
Like a lot of other posters (and Cary), I'm a bit confused about this whole "Christening" thing. I feel like there's some sort of cultural knowledge that I'm not up on.
I've never heard of such a formal christening where people from out of town are sent invitations, as if it's a wedding. (I was raised Catholic and we never had anything like that in my family, nor have I ever encountered it with any friends/acquaintences.) I'm afraid, like many other people, I haven't been able to get beyond that to consider LW's problem, which seems to be, "I invited people to an event and they decided to come, and now they're taking over."
Sorry, but I'm still hung up on the event itself. What the hell is that about?
Great insight from Cary, and I think Psycprof gave some helpful suggestions if the relatives absolutely must be barred from the house at all costs, but mostly I agree with the suggestions that having family in the house is no big deal, the ceremony itself does not sound like it is being hijacked, and learning to deal with relatives you don't "get" is part of being an in-law.
In addition to not seeing what the big deal is with the family, I don't get what makes the siblings "dysfunctional" (unless that's shorthand for saying she doesn't like them and doesn't want to try to understand them) or how she differentiates between her future husband's parents, who she sees as soon-to-be "inlaws," and his siblings, who she does not. Guess what? Those "dysfunctional" people will be your in-laws. Brothers-and-sisters-in-law, to be specific.
Sounds to me like she wants little to do with his family beyond the parents. Also sounds to me like that's an impossible goal unless she very rudely excludes them from her life and all future religious/holiday festivities.
some churches do christenings, some do infant baptisms, basically same ceremony.
As far as baptisms go, some churches pour water on the head, some dunk the person (adult) entirely, i.e., the Baptists, hence where the name came from.
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