One way to diffuse the situation is with humor.

The LW doesn't seem cut out for either the relentless self-promotion or mean-spiritedness that is so prevalent -- and indeed almost a requirement for getting ahead -- in American culture. Maybe she's of British or Chinese or some other foreign background, where modesty is actually favored?

I don't get the sense that the LW's niceness is due to passive-aggressive motives or any feelings of superiority. She knows what the deal is -- the ex is hurt and angry that the LW has "her" man -- and she is trying to find a make to it okay along the lines of "Can't we all just get along?" What's wrong with that? That's not weakness. It's compassion. If more people tried being that way, the world might be able to settle some of the wars that have been going on for my entire lifetime. Well, maybe....

Back to the mudfight. The LW should practice coming up with some good, appropriately self-deprecating comebacks to the LW's verbal assaults, based on the comments she's already made -- there's probably a pattern to them. Run them by the boyfriend. If nothing else, coming up with funny wisecracks will get the LW and boyfriend to bond and laugh over how ridiculous the ex's put-downs are. Anger has a way of building on itself; it always feels better to laugh.

Then, when the time feels right, whip out a knowingly self-deprecating comeback in front of the friends. They will laugh at the LW's ability to laugh at herself (rather than at the ex, which would be awkward for all present.) Everyone will know what the score really is and who has the upper hand (including the ex.) Plus, the ex won't be made to feel even more insecure, which would only lead to more trouble. Insecurity is the root of all evil, I read somewhere once, and I think history has provided ample evidence of that.

I do agree that the LW should also focus on expanding her and her boyfriend's social circle, as well as avoid unnecessary contact (such as the carpool) with the ex. There's no need to turn the other cheek. Everything has a limit!

What do you get from being around her? What does she add to your life? It sounds like the net effect is anything but positive. Life is entirely too short to subject yourself to behavior like that, but more importantly, by continuing to allow it to happen you continue to perpetuate it. You deserve better than to put yourself willingly into these situations.

all right, cary's response is gawd-awful.

first off, he is assuming quite alot about the "other woman" based on, what, the LW's discomfort with her?

He even thinks he knows what the "other woman" is thinking, for pete sake.

also, for all we know it was the "other woman" who ended the relationship with the boyfriend. It is not uncommon for guys to deny that they were dumped. Why does Cary assume that every ex-girlfriend is a Woman Scorned?

To make matters more absurd, he then offers terrible, jr. high advice: he advises her to strike back!

For the "other woman" to comment on differences in personal literary taste between herself and the LW hardly seems like a "slashing attack."

Plus, the LW has indicated she does not even share the details of her educational background with her "friends." This does not sound like a woman who can pull off a "snappy come-back." No, her counterattack come off awkward and unsociable.

It sounds to me like a 2 hour car ride would offer an opportunity for the LW, with the support of her boyfriend, to discuss the ill-will between them, since as she says they are all in the same "circle" and will have to continue to deal with each other. (The LW is not willing to forgo the "other woman's" parties.) After having discussed the matter, the LW confront the "other woman" in public the next time she felt "putdown." If the "other woman" then responds in a derogatory manner, the question becomes, "why would the LW accept an invitation to go to the party of such an unsociable person?"

I want to amend my previous letter, because I re-read the original article and found this choice quote:

My boyfriend is more than willing to just not attend parties or other functions that she throws, but I don't want her behavior to dictate my actions.

Have you considered letting compassion dictate your actions? Your boyfriend is aware that his ex is hurting you, and probably knows on some level that your combined presence is hurting her. He is willing to take a few steps back, but YOU are the one who insists on keeping company with her! You know that she still loves him and that seeing you together hurts her, yet you continually, intentionally, place yourself in her line of sight.

I don't excuse meanness as I said it in my prevous post, and you can say whatever you like about her maturity level or her character, but I think people can only take so much pressure (for example, seeing someone they love on the arm of another) before their stress starts to come out in weird, often uncharacteristic, ways.

In short, back the fuck up. Give her the time and space to transcend this. Your boyfriend already gets it. She will get past it, but not if she constantly has to put up with the two of you giving each other shoulder-massages at her parties.

If you understand Zen, you're missing the point.

If I throw a ball at a wall it bounces back. The wall doesnt ask the ball "Why are you doing this?", it simply bounces the ball back. BOUNCE!!!

There is no right or wrong to the situation. Thinking about it too much got LW here.

Cary seems to be telling her to BOUNCE!!! back. Seems natural. Whether or not the ball likes it, if it will strike again, not the point.

BOUNCE!!!

Here are a few sample responses I've used in similar situations:

"Oh, I stopped trying to impress people with my taste in movies/books/TV/music years ago."

"Well, I spent four years at [Awesome University] working my ass off to earn the right to read/watch/listen to whatever I choose."

"You know, I used to feel really silly/insecure/embarrassed about enjoying stuff like this, but then I grew up."

"Don't you think we're all too old to still care about passing the 'cool' test? It's so exhausting."

Growing up is about becoming comfortable with who you are and what you like, and not trying so goddamn hard to be cool anymore. It's very liberating not to be vulnerable in those conversations.

By saying and believing that you aren't controlled by her opinions, you take away her power without causing a scene. She probably does this to EVERYBODY, and they will be relieved to hear you say what they've all been thinking.