The boyfriend has already offered to cut the ex out of invites, the carpool, etc. so why hasn't the LW taken him up on it? I think the LW is engaging in similar behavior as the ex, only using different weapons--passive-aggressive "niceness" and martyrdom. She needs to own up to her own feelings of jealousy and competitiveness--perfectly understandable under the circumstances--and just steer clear of this woman as much as possible. If the LW has to interact with the woman and is insulted, she should simply pull her aside and tell her very directly to cut it out. That way she'll reclaim her power and get out of the passive-aggressive trap she's in.

I suggest she be as direct and unambiguous as possible.

"I know what you're doing, and I don't care if you're making passive aggressive quips at me because you are trying to fool yourself or others. It doesn't matter. It just needs to stop now."

The end. No chance for her to misinterpret what you said, and having a little backbone will do wonders for your self esteem.

Good luck!

LW, you're the outsider in this group of friends. If the ex is openly putting you down and nobody is coming to your defense, either they are all wimpy a-holes or they agree with her. Breakups suck, and as Kate mentioned earlier, there is often a division of "assets:" friends, bars, etc. If bf's not willing to part ways from the ex, then he needs to at least have the balls to stand up to her. I've been in this situation, and it irritated me at first, but you know what? This isn't your battle, because her problem isn't with you. It's with your bf and his choices, namely that he isn't choosing her. There's a lot of things my fiance's ex likes to say about me, and I think she needs to believe I am a moron to feel better about herself. Fine by me, because I got the ring. I won, and all of her bitchery won't change that. Her sniping only makes her look bad, and I don't crave the company of anyone who will believe her. Next time she drops some bitchy comment, your bf should step up and say, "When you act like that, I remember why I broke up with you." Somehow I doubt she'll have a retort.

On the face of it, this seems like a very simple situation, and not terribly worthy of the amount of angst LW is feeling. The Ex is (understandably) jealous, and is unable or unwilling to suck it up and play nice. Believe me, everybody in the room is aware of this when the Ex is acting out and she's only making herself look bad, so LW needn't worry. (Perhaps it might be better not to spend so much time with her, however. If she's not into ugly confrontations, I'd avoid the car trip.) I recall being in a very similar situation 10 years ago, and to this day I remember how hurt I was by the woman's quite inexplicable nastiness towards me. She wasn't even my boyfriend's Ex, but merely the girlfriend of an aquaintance! Perhaps she had a crush on my boyfriend or something (he wasn't attracted to her, "not his type" to say the least) but whenever we were around her, she would say something mean to me. Always around other people -- we didn't know each other well enough to be alone together. I remember being confused, embarassed, and -- deeply deeply hurt. It was weird. I did nothing to her, I barely knew her -- maybe she just sensed weakness in me and decided to pick on me because she could. (An excellent novel about girl-on-girl emotional abuse is Margaret Atwood's "Cat's Eye.") I think women can hurt other women FAR more than any man, because there IS this idea that there should be some sense of "sisterhood." But I've rarely experienced that. Unfortunately (and I'll probably get my ass kicked once again by the women on this site for saying this) I've seen "sisterhood" disintegrate, again and again, whenever A MAN comes into the picture.

I had written a letter that, to my great chagrin, "glitched out" and disappeared upon my command to Publish. Sheesh.

I don't think I can duplicate it now, but others have made my main points: LW doesn't have to tolerate insults and put-downs; she can "counter" them by silence and perhaps a wry smile (as in "whatever do you mean by such a silly remark?"); she ought not to seek out the friendship of this petty, mean, insecure person; she can act with grace and maturity, neither of which the ex has--and, believe, me, people will notice.

She can tell her boyfriend that she does not wish to socialize with this pesky gnat of a person, be generous and kind to her true friends, and expect reciprocation. She should not have to apologize for herself and should boost her self-confidence and standards.

She can react to any attempted put-down with silence or few words and a smile. And believe in herself.

Now, THAT'S class.

Next time she's "subtly" cutting you up, lean in close to her, ask her to come closer and say -

"What did the five fingers say to the face?"

and when she, with a perplexed, condescending look on her face asks "What?"

You say -

"SMACK" and lay her out, pimp-bitch slap style... after which you raise your hands up in the air and yell out "IM RICK JAMES BITCH!!!" and laugh maniacally.

Sorry couldnt help it... Violence doesnt solve much, but it sure would make youn feel better in that situation.

If you use it make sure to thank Dave Chappelle for the inspiration.

During the first season of "The Apprentice", Donald Trump states "Stand up for youself, because nobody else is going to do it for you".

This is a female vs female fight, and for that reason I think other females are best equipped for advice on that, no offense to the men around here.

She's jealous, and she has too much time on her hands.

Having said all that though - the simplest solution is sometimes best. Sometimes strength in numbers is what you need. Have both you and your boyfriend confront her at the same time, ask her to step aside at the next time she slags you. Make it clear to her that:

- You're number one to the boyfriend, and she's yesterday's news.

- She's the ex-gf, making subtle jabs at you, and must stop now.

- Boyfriend should now say that you're the woman he loves, and she's just not in the picture, and never will be again. He too, must tell her to stop immediately. It's important for him to make it very clear: "I love LW. I DON'T love you".

Through forming a strong united front - what's she gonna do? She has few options other than to say "well I was just joking" or non-sensical things like "well if you can't handle me, how can you handle HIM?" or quite simply back down. But never allow her to justify her behaviour. Never give her an inch.

It's funny because I feel that a women's worst enemy is never a man.

It is another woman.