Some people just get under your skin, even if your relationship with him/her was only for a short space of time in college, or out of college, or in your twenties, or thirties, or whatever.

I don't excuse rudeness or meanness, but I can tell you this: I still have very strong feelings for my ex boyfriend even years after we split up, and if he showed up at my local hang-out spots with the new girlfriend that he is blissfully happy with I would be utterly. totally devastated.

I think I'm a pretty nice person on the main, and I would try my damndest not to turn into a screeching harpy, or a junior-high-school catty bitch, or weep hysterically, but it would be very, very hard. Fortunately, he doesn't come around to my spots and I don't go to his spots. That means I've "lost custody" of a few restaurants and pubs nearby, and he's lost custody of a really nice pub just down the road from him because some of my friends bought it, but that's what you do when painful breakups happen. You cede a little bit of territory to keep the peace.

I don't think this is a situation that calls for some womyn-power sisterhood is beautiful sociolocial analysis. This is a situation that calls for distance and time. She sounds like someone who got her heart broken badly, and now is having her heart broken again by her ex boyfriend who thinks its a good idea to bring his new girlfriend around to show her how happy he is with someone who isn't her. That just sucks, no matter how you slice it.

Sometimes people just don't get how badly they've hurt someone; I think your boyfriend needs to be made to understand how *his* behavior is also kind of selfish, and start making decisions about how his adult relationships are going to unfold. If that means pulling back from his college crew a little (because your combined presence is causing one of them great pain) then maybe he should do that.

I think Cary's got it right that this is jealousy and there's no need to look for a deeper meaning. This sort of thing is not unique or more prevalent among women. It's human.

Cary's approach is a good suggestion though I think there are many logical and reasonable ways to deal with it. Choosing the right one the LW can best accomplish by thinking about how she'll feel about herself afterward. Obviously she has a sense of what being a "good" person and doing the "right" thing is. It's not going to be the same for all of us. So she needs to choose the solution that will sit best on her conscience and with her sense of self later.

That said, she needs to keep the heart of Cary's response foremost in her mind. The ex is jealous and it's not for you to help her figure it out so she'll stop acting it out. There is a reasonale limit to the whole bigger person bit.

I understand the contortions the LW is putting herself into trying to be compassionate. But, as Cary's pointed out, it's not working. The main problem here is that the old girlfriend hasn't found someone new yet (and if she keeps up this level of snarkiness I can see why). And even then there is no guarantee she'd stop putting the LW down for whatever hateful pleasure it offers her. People are weak, tortured and inelegant.

I think Cary is right that a direct something in front of people is needed. Right now the LW is a public punching bag and that is making everyone collude, even through silence, with the ex. Having said that, there's no further need to take the high road. Take advantage of the boyfriend's offer to go in another car. And there's no reason to hang out with these people if it's awful. It sounds like the boyfriend has the LW's back, which is not always the case, so use that!

If the ex is left with her own stewing and potshots maybe she will start finding the means to clean up her own life. But either way, the win-win is that at least the LW is free of her.

Blow her off. And make sure she knows why. (Your boyfriend even said he'd do it for you, so there's no excuse not to.) You will feel so much better afterward.

The problem is that you are too invested in being nice. This woman's been nasty to you, and YOU are the one who's afraid of looking like a jerk? Forget that! Niceness clearly isn't working with her, so I hearby give you permission to be a jerk. You can do it. She's a bully and will probably shrivel up and blow away if you give her as good as you get.

And for pity's sake, eliminate her from your social circle. She's toxic and you have better things to do with your free time than spend it with her. Your boyfriend is already on board with this, so why wait a moment longer? Cut her dead the next time you see her and work on making new friends who aren't jealous wankers.

Slap the bitch.

Why do you hang out with her?

As someone else said, "women" do not do this to each other. Catty bitches of either gender do this to each other.

The LW seems obsessed with rising above this behavior. Her boyfriend is more than happy to skip events his ex is hosting? Maybe he doesn't want to go and the LW is dragging him along just to make the point that she can't be cowed. And I don't know where to begin with this bit about carpooling with her to a distant event. The ex has other friends, no? Why on earth would the LW do this to herself and her boyfriend?

I don't see any need to make a big deal out of this. If you run in the same circles, distant politeness will do nicely. If you don't have to, then this won't be an issue. The worst punishment for the ex is the punishment she's already got: living in that brain. If you can't be good enough to take the truly high road of wishing for her happiness, then take the backup high road of aloof disdain.

The disadvantage to taking the high road and ignoring the childish putdowns is that that gives the person willing to talk all the public voice. I've dealt with this with a woman who had children old enough to know better. OTOH, any friend you lose because of this kind of treatment isn't much of one anyway. My true friends, I kept.