Lots of helpful commentary, some conflicting, of course, but that is part of the charm of the responses on a letter like this. LW needs to think about her altenratives with a clear understanding that LW's with the man she loves, and he's with her, and that he is protective of LW and "gets it".

Thus, there is no real "competition", "race" or "contest". There is a relationship, and a past relationship, and the woman is still trying to revive the past. She can't attack her ex-lover directly, so she is targeting his current focus of attention. Cheap, narrow and unkind, but borne out of pain and hurt. In truth, whether her taste in books, music or antique furniture is "better", "worse" or whatever, is really irrelevant to what this hurt woman is doing. Sad, painful actions, and ones that she might not be entirely aware of.

There are several approaches:

Ignore her, which seems to be only encouraging her, but LW could try proactive efforts. When she makes a barbed comment, simply indicate that you're not comfortable with the conversation, and that you're going to go refresh your drink, go to the ladies room, step outside for fresh air, whatever. And leave her hanging with the barb/jab in mid-air, and a circle of friends that have now had the 'elephant in the living room' (her behavior) suddenly pointed out for what it is.

Ask her to explain specific comments; generally (as other writers have noted) acerbic barbs loose content when analyzed and discussed objectively. Pissy sarcasm does not stand up to clear light.

Don't be afraid to "trump". LW's background in academia, which "you don't talk about' is, perhaps, something that, when the conversation is appropriate, LW SHOULD talk about. No reason to be shy about real accomplishments. Aside from displaying a different facet of your personality to this woman, it may well display that part of yourself to your current circle of friends, and inspire a different and more informed way of relating to you on any number of levels. And, it might be a simple, and seemingly self-depricatory comment, such as "I just didn't have time to keep up with current music trends while I was bashing out my final semester at (insert prestigeous university name here), so I really appreciate your commentary." or "the time spent meeting the criteria for maintaining my scholarship didn't allow me much slack time for real entertainment......" Leaves her with her presumptive "turf", explains the presumptive difference, and leaves her looking just a tad foolish. That kind of "trump card", which is relatively gentle and non-destructive, also highlights the pain-based source of the other woman's commentary, but gives her a basis to steer away from it in the future without embarassment.

Confront her directly, pull her aside, tell her that her comments are painful and tiresome, and that you would like her to stop. Then, if she doesn't LW has every basis to walk away, change the subject, or even confront her directly if she does it again - "You know, that is exactly the kind of barb that I was talking about with you the other day........." .

If she does carpool with LW, that could be the time for her to be a captive audience for LW to have a blunt conversation. If LW doesn't carpool with her, I might suggest that LW and the boyfriend jointly pull her aside and tell her, together, precisely why she is not welcome - that the concept of being sniped at for several hundred miles holds no allure for either LW or the boyfriend in question.

My wife was, prior to her leaving a large internatnional organization, the highest ranking woman on the executive floor. She had no degree, which caused one of her peers to constantly and mercilessly, even ruthlessly, snipe at her. As it happens, he, his wife and I had attended the same brutally grueling, prestegious, academically rigorous (and snotty) undergrad school. On one social occassion created by a mandatory attendance corporate retreat, he was particularly overbearing, then turned to me and began the same tecniques of insecure pedigree-trotting. As the conversation evovled, I was able, quietly, to slip in the fact that I had completed an aggressive five year program in four and a half years by taking 27 credits in one semester, an adacemic stunt that was shortly thereafter prohibited by policy at that university, specifically because of my actions. I followed that by noting my subsequent "two for one academic sale" at a prestegious ivy that I subsequently attended, where I earned two masters in two years......His wife literally gasped, he was stunned, he backed off - not only me, but my wife, and mananged, in subsequent months, to become marginally civil to her and take her formidable skillsets at face value, absent degree notwithstanding; she attributed it to the 'watershed impact" of my comments. And, in subsequent corporate retreats, his wife and I struck up a decent, if not spectacular, friendship. In other words, there is absolutely nothing wrong with playing a trump card, nicely, firmly and irrevocably. It does change the social scenery rapidly.

LW, you are new to this crowd and, thus, vulnerable. Without your boyfriend, you wouldn't be hanging around these jokers. Thus, it is his job to protect you from this ex by confronting her. This is between her and him, whether he wants to see it that way or not. She's jealous of you because you have him and she wants him - you could be anybody, frankly. It's not personal (though I'm sure it feels that way when it happens). You're absorbing her anger at him, which is unfair.

For once, put him in an awkward position and make the ultimatum: talk to your ex and make her stop or you're going to have to hang out with your friends alone. Gentle reminders while rubbing your shoulder is, clearly, not working. He is going to have to make waves for her to stop, just like you're going to have to make waves with your relationship with him. Do not play the competitive female game - it sounds like it's not your style, so don't sink to meet this woman's standards. Unfortunately, this woman has succeeded in testing the fabric of your relationship, but this is just part of growing up and growing closer to each other.

You have no idea how relieved you'll feel when you make a stand and truly don't have to see this woman under these circumstances anymore. Best of luck!