I agree with Cary, you have to fight back.

You need to fight back for your own good---by realizing that you don't have to do what other people want you to do.

If you don't like someone or someone makes you uncomfortable, you are justified in avoiding them. It doesn't matter why, just be true to yourself on this. Some people out there are just "not nice", some people are even maybe a little nuts, some people may be just clueless and obnoxious or they smell. Whatever the reason, if you don't like having them around, why not avoid them? Of course, in this case, she is aware of what she is doing, and she is relying on your "niceness" to put up with it. So don't offer her a ride to the reunion---jeez, why would you even think that you should? She's trying to hurt you, why would you think that you have to do her a favor?

If you confront her verbally, I don't think it will make a bit a difference in her present or future behavior. People like that are incapable of acting in a rational way or controlling their behavior.

I was in a similar situation many years ago... a woman in my social group had a crush on a particular man...but she denied it when I asked her about it. But later, when he and I started dating, she just totally flipped out because of this--she stopped talking to me (in a "3rd grade silent treatment" type of way: if I asked her a question to her face she would just stare over my shoulder--and this was a 30 year old woman!), she pointedly stopped inviting me to events (although she did invite my boyfriend--how obviously lame is that?), she tried to get others in our group to do the same, she talked trash obsessively to others in our group about me, etc etc. Incredibly (and yes, painfully), our social group splintered into factions because of her behavior, and even despite my efforts to talk and reason with her in friendly and also not-so-friendly ways. A year later, most everyone had moved on anyway, I moved in with my boyfriend and eventually got married to him, and occasionally I hear about this woman through the grapevine and how she is still obsessed with putting me down--pretty pathetic, really.

And tell the BF either she gets kicked to the curb or he does. End of fucking story.

I agree with those who say why are you so eager to hang around with someone who treats you so badly? Stop feeling like you have to one-up her and move on.

Why do y'all always hang around with your BF's college pals? Why don't y'all hang out with your friends? (Presumably you had friends before you met your BF--please don't ignore them just because you have a new BF.) Maybe it's time to start growing up and evolving into friends beyond the 'ole college gang. And spend some time with your boyfriend alone, that's another step in the growing up process, being comfortable alone, or with your partner, not having to go out with the whole gang. That'll start to feel juvenile soon.

And you LW, need friends of your own. If you only hang out with you BF's college gang, (1) you have to bear old GF's and their baggage, and (2) if you ever break up, you're left with no friends and the realization your entire existance was through your BF and HIS friends.

Cultivate your own life, with your BF as a part, of course, but cultivate your own friends so you can hang out with them instead of willingly going out with the insulting girl. Once you have your own friends, life, interests, sense of self, the immature lashings of a unstable girl will not bother you so much.

I am getting the picture that y'all are standing around a keg in someone's yard...

About these "functions": Obviously, she isn't calling YOU & inviting YOU. BF is following the college sophomore pack mentality if he is getting word of these events through the grapevine and dragging you along. Hello?!?! No one lives in the dorm anymore. Grown-ups don't 'roll' that way. Bitchie-Poo is likely quite peeved that you just "show up" and rub her nose in it.

Yes, you should avoid her. You should also work on designing your social life to suit yourself. You are a professional person, probably a little tired at the end of the day, need a little R&R at the end of the week. What purpose is served by socializing with this woman? It is hurtful, yes? Then, stop it!

I agree with Cary that the LW ought to directly wipe out the subtle hostility.

But before that, here's what I would do: pray for the ex. Bless her & ask that she be healed. Ask (God, the Universe, Mother Nature, Buddha) for guidance.

And next time LW is in the ex's presence, LW can concentrate on opening her heart & blessing the ex.

It will totally disarm the ex.

This has worked for me on many occasions. It's as though people can pick up a 'vibe' from you; for example, the LW may get uptight around the ex, thus creating tension in the group, being a little insecure/sensitive herself, etc. But if the LW has an open heart & blesses the ex, LW is no longer sending a weird vibe. And the ex is totally disarmed -- can't feed off any negative power.

Dear Letter Writer:

Everyone in your common circle is likely well aware of exactly what is going on. Catty comments aimed at one person are heard by all in attendance... and I would wager to say that the rest of the "gang" are waiting for you (LW) to stand up to this angry woman... this poor, pathetic ex-girlfriend... I mean, everyone in the gang knows the "Bitchy One" is your boyfriend's ex.

So, for what it's worth, here's what I would do:

Call it out into the open, drag it into the light... take your power back and seize control of your own reaction... she IS getting a reaction out of you, LW, or (as others have so astutely observed) you wouldn't be writing to Cary. I wouldn't necessarily feel the need to tell her to "fuck off," but that's probably just me (I wouldn't want to be seen as sinking to her level of hostility).

Some people are suggesting that you, LW, should "fight fire with fire." But, do not overlook an equally effective plan of action, one which would not end up leaving you smelling of the same stink the ex-girlfriend reeks of:

I would suggest that you wait for the next subtle put-down, turn smilingly to the entire group and say: "This, from his ex-girlfriend." and then stare her in the eye with a smile that could kill (if smiles could kill!) She's just been dragged into daylight, where most bullies wither, and now everyone is laughing at her.

And I know, LW, you will NOT like that. Frankly, neither would I. But this woman should be held accountable for her words/actions, just like the rest of the grown-ups in the world. And if you, LW --- who has the inner fortitude and the support of a good man next to you--- do not hold her to account, who will? The new kid at her place of work? I doubt that you are the only person she does this to. Someone has got to clearly communicate to her that this is unacceptable behaviour.

And please find and read a book about "boundaries"... do NOT carpool with this person, do NOT attend parties in her home, and do NOT invite her to your home. You are allowed to say "I do not like her, she is mean!" No one should think you a mean person for standing up for yourself.

And if you find yourself in a small gathering with her, ignore her... take the wind out of her sails by completely ignoring her... when she starts in, just immediately turn to the person beside you and tell a joke... don't even wait to hear the entire put-down (you've heard them all before)... tell a knock-knock joke! Just laugh and be happy... because, after all is said and done, what really drives your man's ex-girlfriend crazy is that her ex is now very happy with you, dear LW, a woman who does not have to stoop to such a low level.