You had me until you mentioned you graduated from a top college with a merit scholarship. Huh? So what? Sounds elitist to me. Maybe you should mention all your credentials to her or give her a copy of your resume.

LW,

You admit that it is probably hard for her to deal with you, but you expect her to treat you better so that you can enjoy these gatherings.

Perhaps you are too used to getting everything you want. You top-school types are like that. The world falls apart when one situation cannot be vanquished by your mighty entitled will... Ok, ok, now I'm just being unnecessarily mean and you're probably wondering again why we women can't just support each other. Oops. Did it again. Sorry. Hey- I'm just bitchy. Maybe you should avoid me.

WAIT- that's it! Maybe you should just avoid HER. Sounds crazy, I know, but stay with me for a sec:

Your whoooole letter boils down to: Why isn't she different and how can I change her?

Now let's imagine her hypothetical letter boils down to: Why does she exist and how can I get rid of her?

Sounds like you guys are a maximum of 5 years out of college. It's time to pull away from the herd. Spend less time with The Clan, make new friends. If your relationship is for the long-haul, "Mr. Wonderful" will commit to this change too. And "Evil Ex" will grieve his absence but finally be able to heal and move on and maybe regain her self-respect.

To phrase it the language of competition: Everybody Wins!

I think the tactic of responding to her with cheerful condescension is solid.

Here's a little something you can toss her way when she puts down your taste in whatever it may be:

You have impeccable taste in __________. We don't compliment you enough about that! We'll do that more.

Responding to passive aggression with a slightly more aggressive and upbeat version of passive aggression seems to work pretty well. Sad, but there you go.

Paul475- yours is a totally plausible scenario. It's not SO hard to simply say 'no thanks' to the carpool. So why is this all so complicated?

In some-- ok, perhaps unconscious --way, the guy in this triangulation is getting off on the lusty tug-o-war over him. He is certainly not doing much to stop it.

Personal example: I just recently cut things off with my ex because it became blatantly obvious that he was using me to feel good about himself, with no regard for my feelings, or even for his new GF's. All the while, he was passing himself as the innocent one, "just trying to get on with his life".

This is why Paul475 is right... If my ex's GF is uncomfortable, her RADAR is WORKING. There wasn't closure, (there was even cheating, sadly) AND IT SHOWED.

I had no desire to be around her, because I'm not ready, and I had made that crystal clear the last time he cheated on her with me. I also then stayed away from him. Some time passed and suddenly he insisted I meet this GF (#2 since me) because, as he put it, she felt insecure about me.

I got what was going on. We were being played against each other for HIS benefit. That, finally, was my 'aha' moment....(duh, right?) I told him that if he can't make his new GF feel confident and secure that is HIS problem.

LW does need to get off the cross and not put up with bitchy behavior. But she's letting her BF off too easy. If he truly sees that she's being abused by his ex, HE needs to take the lead in protecting her. No more "offers" of this or that-- that's bullshit. HE decides his ex should be avoided for the benefit of all.

If he doesn't... he's just the pulling the strings that make the puppet girls scratch each other's eyes out.

to self defense...SECURE ALLEGIANCES!

Listen, the only defense this woman has is that she will do her dirty work in front of the crowd and "under the radar."

She's depending on "good manners" and the polite rules ofpublic social behavior as her means of protecting herself from your offenses.

She will also disavow any hostility if you do rebuke her in public, and may play the game that you are "insecure" and "hostile." And the likelihood does exist that she is sly and under the radar, and that some of the other people in your circle are not aware of her aggression. If you do blow up at her without securing your allegiances, she might manipulate the situation to get you ousted from the group.

You've made your BF on your side by calling attention to her tactics. He is now supportive.

If you are truly friends in this group, you can take certain friends aside (as individuals outside of the group) and confide in them and tell them exactly what is going on with the ex. Tell strategic people who are gossips and who will spread the word without your having to do it.

Then let her continue on her merry path of hidden attack at social gatherings... and the crowd will now be watching, and counting the attacks.

At some point she will cross over the line, and there will be a spontaneous outcry from the group. She will then be shunned... and stunned as to what exactly WTF happened, and how did she lose everything, the group's respect and support... when she thought she was winning?

Trust me. This works. I've done it myself.

Also, read "The Art of War." It works very well in understanding power dynamics and strategies.

Or, you could take the easier path and just avoid her...

OK, so this particular stinkweed has grown from bud to full bloom, but you can still kill it--if you want to.

I have to agree with Samantha T and to a certain exent, BBD. What exactly do you get out of this? Why are you comparing your background and resume with this idiot loser? Do you believe that she's somehow "better" than you and wonder why your boyfriend chose you over her? Stop! She ain't all that.

Or are you simply bored? Otherwise, why invite needless drama into your life?

You've got to take responsibility for your bit in this. Once you do, you'll find the herbicide easy to apply:

1. Climb down from the cross, and don't go back up there again. Stop engaging her by playing the martyr to appear to be the "bigger person." It only causes you pain, and you don't resurrect in 3 days, either.

2. Apply your musings about "why women do this to other women" to other situations that merit the attention. Who knows why she acts this way? You should neither try to analyze nor solve this woman's problems. As the character Mozell said in Eve's Bayou, "Sometimes there is no point, and that's the damned point."

3. Everyone is not your friend. Accept this and move on. You should be civil to her if and when you see her, but that's the extent of your contact. I know a few people here suggested "befriending" her, but don't you dare. Why waste your time trying to "win her over"? Are you mad? Limit your interaction with her, and for heaven's sake, DO NOT let this woman carpool with you. Screw her and the broomstick she flew in on. You will only be a) rewarding bad behavior by granting her an unearned favor b) indulging her by giving her bad behavior yet another platform and c) inviting needless drama. Besides--and you should "ask" her this--why would she want to carpool with her "intellectual inferior"? Surely a woman of her great intellect can find her own way to a class reunion.

4. Your boyfriend has an even greater responsibility than you do to stop the situation. Tell him to call this woman on her behavior--NOW. As someone posted earlier, he must love the attention. What's more important--the ego stroke from someone still hung up on him after two years, or YOU? If it's the latter, then no more Mr. Indirect Guy. Four stars to the person who advised him to say "Remember why I broke up with you." Short, sweet and brilliant.

And it does work. I had an ex who'd call occasionally but the one time my husband (at that time, my fiance) answered the phone, the ex barely acknowledged him. My man kindly--but directly--informed me of ex's behavior, and I handled it. I told said ex, "Look, you're free to call, but understand that he IS my fiance and that he WILL BE my husband, and that you WILL respect that. Friends?"

After more than a decade of marriage, we've not heard a peep from him since.

You two can end this situation, if you want to do so. Good luck!