"You are struggling in a self-defeating manner against your own natural impulses to defend yourself." - Cary

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"Climb down from the cross, and don't go back up there again. Stop engaging her by playing the martyr to appear to be the 'bigger person.' It only causes you pain, and you don't resurrect in 3 days, either." - No more drama

You fall into the trap she sets for you when you start measuring yourself by saying to yourself that you too went to a good school...that's all just snobbish business. Plenty of smart talented people don't go to "good schools"..it's over-rated, good schooling. Some of the smartest people I've known have made tons of money (or not) and never attended college at all..it really doesn't matter. And just avoid this woman. Don't go where she goes, don't exchange chit chat with her and certainly don't take a long ride in a car with her. And if you find yourself somehow standing next to her and she starts with her backbiting remarks, for goodness sake just let her have it. Do it softly and slowly and look her straight in the eye..in public. But I do think the wisest advice is to steer clear of her. If you know she will be a a function then don't attend..simple as that.

This reminds me of the ongoing "discussions" that my ex-husband and I used to have. He would call on the phone "to talk about the kids" and the calls would always be long and painful, with me trying to be nice.

My mother was visiting one day, and heard my end of one such call. She looked at me and said, " Why do you think you need to be polite to this man?"

I was shocked. My mother was the ultimate in polite Southern behavior, and I was very thoroughly trained.

She was right. I am polite to family and friends, and to strangers. But now I recognize when people do not deserve my respect -- and they don't get it.

I try not to be nasty, but I will be direct. And I will make every effort to stay away from people I don't respect. Sure, I'll go to a party without worrying about the ex's attendance -- but I'd never go to a party that the ex held. I'd just say "no thanks" to the invitation.

Many of the other letters held great suggestions. Find your own voice, and respond to the ex in a way that is not defensive. I suggest that you address the remark itself - "that wasn't a nice thing to say" - which also avoids putting you in the position of attacking her directly. Laughing at her is really great, if you can sincerely laugh.

(BTW, now I put the phone on mute when my ex calls, so I can laugh out loud while he talks. And if he starts to bug me, I tell him to change the subject -- or I just hang up.)

Don't ever get in a car with this woman! It's just not worth the wear and tear on your soul.

Dear LW,

I think that the ex needs a very good reason to get angry. Nobody's giving it to her, and things are just going to get worse (because, no: it's not said that you have to hang around the same people, and no: it's not compulsory to be friends with the exes).

What I would do, since he seems aware and sympathetic: ask to my BF to become the target of her rage. The ex snaps at you because she can't snap at your boyfriend. Possibly she's deluding herself with the thought that you are the obstacle between her and him. Consider too that she may be angry at herself in the first place for her unrequited love, but as long as you keep on being her still target (and seemingly you are a very good one!) her rage will never evolve.

So, ask for his help: next time she makes a sarcastic remark about your tastes in front of both of you, ask him to tell, cheerfully, but loudly: "When she told me she read that book/saw that movie, I thought: 'The girl after my own heart!'", or "Can you believe that this is just OUR song?".

Are you being a bit pitiless? Surely. But break-ups don't have to be nice agreements, they are painful, as a matter of fact. It's the only way to gain some momentum, to make the changes we need. It's not a happy process, and sometimes -- when the parties involved repress their emotions -- the tail is surprisingly long. So let's not pretend we can sanitize it by being friends and getting along.