to self defense...SECURE ALLEGIANCES!

Listen, the only defense this woman has is that she will do her dirty work in front of the crowd and "under the radar."

She's depending on "good manners" and the polite rules ofpublic social behavior as her means of protecting herself from your offenses.

She will also disavow any hostility if you do rebuke her in public, and may play the game that you are "insecure" and "hostile." And the likelihood does exist that she is sly and under the radar, and that some of the other people in your circle are not aware of her aggression. If you do blow up at her without securing your allegiances, she might manipulate the situation to get you ousted from the group.

You've made your BF on your side by calling attention to her tactics. He is now supportive.

If you are truly friends in this group, you can take certain friends aside (as individuals outside of the group) and confide in them and tell them exactly what is going on with the ex. Tell strategic people who are gossips and who will spread the word without your having to do it.

Then let her continue on her merry path of hidden attack at social gatherings... and the crowd will now be watching, and counting the attacks.

At some point she will cross over the line, and there will be a spontaneous outcry from the group. She will then be shunned... and stunned as to what exactly WTF happened, and how did she lose everything, the group's respect and support... when she thought she was winning?

Trust me. This works. I've done it myself.

Also, read "The Art of War." It works very well in understanding power dynamics and strategies.

Or, you could take the easier path and just avoid her...

Paul475- yours is a totally plausible scenario. It's not SO hard to simply say 'no thanks' to the carpool. So why is this all so complicated?

In some-- ok, perhaps unconscious --way, the guy in this triangulation is getting off on the lusty tug-o-war over him. He is certainly not doing much to stop it.

Personal example: I just recently cut things off with my ex because it became blatantly obvious that he was using me to feel good about himself, with no regard for my feelings, or even for his new GF's. All the while, he was passing himself as the innocent one, "just trying to get on with his life".

This is why Paul475 is right... If my ex's GF is uncomfortable, her RADAR is WORKING. There wasn't closure, (there was even cheating, sadly) AND IT SHOWED.

I had no desire to be around her, because I'm not ready, and I had made that crystal clear the last time he cheated on her with me. I also then stayed away from him. Some time passed and suddenly he insisted I meet this GF (#2 since me) because, as he put it, she felt insecure about me.

I got what was going on. We were being played against each other for HIS benefit. That, finally, was my 'aha' moment....(duh, right?) I told him that if he can't make his new GF feel confident and secure that is HIS problem.

LW does need to get off the cross and not put up with bitchy behavior. But she's letting her BF off too easy. If he truly sees that she's being abused by his ex, HE needs to take the lead in protecting her. No more "offers" of this or that-- that's bullshit. HE decides his ex should be avoided for the benefit of all.

If he doesn't... he's just the pulling the strings that make the puppet girls scratch each other's eyes out.

I think the tactic of responding to her with cheerful condescension is solid.

Here's a little something you can toss her way when she puts down your taste in whatever it may be:

You have impeccable taste in __________. We don't compliment you enough about that! We'll do that more.

Responding to passive aggression with a slightly more aggressive and upbeat version of passive aggression seems to work pretty well. Sad, but there you go.

LW,

You admit that it is probably hard for her to deal with you, but you expect her to treat you better so that you can enjoy these gatherings.

Perhaps you are too used to getting everything you want. You top-school types are like that. The world falls apart when one situation cannot be vanquished by your mighty entitled will... Ok, ok, now I'm just being unnecessarily mean and you're probably wondering again why we women can't just support each other. Oops. Did it again. Sorry. Hey- I'm just bitchy. Maybe you should avoid me.

WAIT- that's it! Maybe you should just avoid HER. Sounds crazy, I know, but stay with me for a sec:

Your whoooole letter boils down to: Why isn't she different and how can I change her?

Now let's imagine her hypothetical letter boils down to: Why does she exist and how can I get rid of her?

Sounds like you guys are a maximum of 5 years out of college. It's time to pull away from the herd. Spend less time with The Clan, make new friends. If your relationship is for the long-haul, "Mr. Wonderful" will commit to this change too. And "Evil Ex" will grieve his absence but finally be able to heal and move on and maybe regain her self-respect.

To phrase it the language of competition: Everybody Wins!

You had me until you mentioned you graduated from a top college with a merit scholarship. Huh? So what? Sounds elitist to me. Maybe you should mention all your credentials to her or give her a copy of your resume.

First your boyfriend dear letter writer has told you he really has no problem extricating this person from your lives. Why do you not take him up on it? You state these gatherings are on her turf, why do you go? Do you need to see all his friends every weekend, ever tried throwing a gathering of your own where this annoying gal is not invited? If your man is willing to cut her out of your lives, I don't see why you don't do it.

I really hope it's not some PC thing about not having problems with your guys ex's or female friends.

Do you have a perverse need for everyone to ever come into your existence to love you?

No, don't do the carpool. Have your BF just tell this ex, I do not give rides to people who insult my girlfriend, especially when they do it when I'm out of earshot so they'll think I don't know what they are doing. Then he hangs up on her and gives her no chance at rebuttal. When at the reunion, just keep doing what you are doing, ignore it and walk away from her with a big smile. You don't need to talk to her, ever.

I went through this in high school, I had many male friends and boy did chicks hate me, I have large breasts and a tiny body, so the jealousy claws were out in force. Mainly my appearance or virtue was the source of ridicule, as is generally the attack of teen girls. There was rarely a time when I was at a party or some other social gathering where a certain group of girls would put me down in the company of their male peers. I would just ignore it, because I didn't enjoy fist fights and in high school, the bitchy girls are always waiting for you to talk back so they can escalate it to violence. I used to wonder why do they hate me, I don't even know them or barely knew them, what the fuck is their problem? Well, you know what I noticed, the guys seemed to like me better than the bitchy harpies anyway! Sometimes the guys, who were just friends, would tell them to just shove it or say hey, I think she looks nice. I found that most guys find the cattiness low and don't respect it, but it's not enough to stop being friends with the women, but through the years I'm still thought of fondly by those guys, while the other girls are crazy bitches, as I found out at my reunion. When you go back and forth with women who are all catty, they do win, because you've sunk to their insecure level and the guy in your life could see you in a different light and from your letter you don't seem like the type of person that likes confrontations, otherwise you would have done so already. So I would ditch the fuck you advice.

I know what the vieled insults and threats feel like, while there is a certain pleasure in telling someone off, that is for personalities where wit comes naturally, becuase if it doesn't, you will just end up looking like a sputtering idiot. While if she's foaming at the mouth with her insults to your taste in music/books/art probably looks a lot like crazy to others and they all probably talk about it behind both your backs. Some of them are probably waiting for a fight or something good to talk about. My husbands friends are all from high school and college and I know something of this dynamic, and yes they do notice, and yes they do talk about it and they probably side with you, but they have history with her, so if you bear claws, you may lose any respect you have gained.