Definitely jealousy on the part of the needler, and a surprising amount of insecurity showing in the LW. I would recommend looking into verbal self-defense; there's practically a whole genre around that sort of thing, and a little research can give you suggestions that are both more in-depth and more specific than what Cary could offer here.

Personally, I would recommend the basic cold shoulder. Her petty behavior is not worth tolerating and not worth retaliation. That calls for simply ignoring it and her, at least until such time as she chooses to cut it out. Definitely turn down the carpool.

LW- First, she's well aware of what she's doing. Second, perhaps you should focus less on her behavior (poor) and more on your own. Why would you agree to be in a car for hours with someone who insults you? Why do you want to like this small, mean-spirited person? Why do you need to prove yourself to her? I am not trying to criticize you, just point out some things that would be more productive to think about. It's not realistic to expect to get along with everyone, you need to let this one go. Hoping for friendships with toxic people will only drive you crazy.

If it makes you feel better, the other friends in this group are probably aware of what she's doing as well. Pointing out your degrees and talents will only bring you down to her level and make you look as childish as she is. Think of a witty comeback that will stop her in her tracks, minimize your contact and move on with your life.

"She's beating you up verbal-ninja style. She's ripping you to shreds with razor blades of icy sisterhood."

Uh, no, she's being a catty bitch. The stuff about jealousy and blame is true, though.

"WE" women don't do this to each other. Immature women (and men) do this to each other (anyone remember middle school?) because it gives them a sense of power. It is up to the LW to let the ex have the power or not.

I would say NO to the carpool. The LW doesn't have to prove herself to the ex or anyone else, and I am sure the BF would be happier not to hear two women exchanging tense remarks leading to veiled (or not) insults. As for putting the LW down in public, do those nearby chime in, do they grin, or do they have that "I'm not looking at that train wreck" expression? If the latter, the LW is doing all she needs to do. Otherwise, a well-placed expressionless "Whatever" or a quizzical "Why do you say that?" should put her on the spot...and in a way that makes clear she's in that spot of her own doing. The problem with coming up with bitchy retorts is that the whole situation will spiral downward and they never sound as good as they do in your brain anyway.

The ex doesn't like LW? Nowhere is it written that everyone must like you for you to be a good person. If the thought of the ex's disdain bothers the LW, she should practice following each said thought with the words, said slowly "So. Fucking. What?"

...where Izzy finally had to deal, once and for all, with her modeling background and put an end to being ribbed about it, when another resident (who actually liked her, ironically) had posted a bunch of photos of her on all of the locker doors.

The way Izzie dealt with that hazing might give the LW some ideas, but if not, then she could just relate that "particularly amusing" episode in that same group of people at an appropriate moment, and then turn to the ex and say, "So, what is it going to take to make you stop constantly trying to embarrass me in front of everyone?" That should stop her in her tracks.

It was a very gratifying episode for anyone who's been bullied or goaded. I especially liked Izzy's 'coup d'grace' line (paraphrasing here) "...and when you're all through with your education and struggling to pay off hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans... I won't have any debt." The LW's might be something similar... that when all is said and done, none of her hostility or insults are going to win the LW's boyfriend back, and instead are only likely to make her even more disagreeable to everyone else in the group. Or something like that.

Count me among those who also think the LW should say "No" to the carpooling. Saying yes does nothing to enhance one's reputation in this case, while saying no can only increase one's sense of self-respect.

It was an important moment when I finally realized that increasing one's self-confidence or -esteem is not necessarily a "feel-good" experience, but can actually be uncomfortable and feel unattractive. It's okay, though.

While the question of why women sink to cattiness and arguing over men is an important one to ask, there's another one that's probably more relevant in this situation: Why do we women feel we need to make everything okay for everybody? In other words, why do we need to be people pleasers? Why can't we acknowledge our own feelings instead of burying them and focusing on other people's all the time?

Oh, and for God's sake, please don't carpool with her. It's certainly one thing to be civil to this woman in social settings, but it's entirely another to actively put yourself in her path. Don't do that to yourself -- you don't deserve that kind of treatment.

Not everybody has to like you. What I would be wondering is what kind of guy wants to hang out with his ex-girlfriend, especially if she's mean to his current one?

And if you're such an accomplished success, start acting like it and stop being so goshdarn insecure. Being a mature type person means not giving a damn what people like this think of you.

She's hurting you because she's hurt. But that doesn't mean she deserves your sympathy and understanding.

I generally agreed with the advice, except for this part. Maybe it's because I've been in her position -- but I can't help thinking about how agonizing this situation is for the ex. She loves someone that she can't have, and she must regularly witness his happiness with someone else. Since she shares the same circle of friends, she must either give up that circle or face a painful situation every time the group meets.

Her behavior is still inappropriate and wrong. You are completely justified in responding to her insults with "Fuck you," or whatever you want to say. But, I still wish you could feel some empathy for her situation. You are essentially in the privileged position. You get to be with the man you love, while she is alone and hurting.

It sounds like it would be best for all parties if you avoided the ex as much as possible. But when you do have those encounters, remember that nothing she says can change reality. You are secure and happy, while she is pathetically insulting the girlfriend of a man that she can't have. In other words, I'm suggesting that you should feel sorry for her. Don't worry about her comments. She might lead others to believe that you did not have a prestigious education.. the horror! Instead, remember the reality that surrounds those comments.

Yes, you should speak up for yourself. Talk to the ex. Attempt to escape her behavior, or tell her to stop it. But don't let her behavior upset you, to the point where it's a big problem in your life (advice column worthy). She is the one who should be writing a desperate letter to Cary. You should feel fortunate that you are with the man you love, and focus on that.