Letters to the Editor
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Does he know?
LW, you say you have told your boyfriend all your fantasies, asked him for what you want sexually, and he has repeatedly turned you down. But have you made it clear to him how important this is to you? Does he understand how unsatisfied you are with your sex life? Have you said to him, straight out, that you need something different to continue the relationship?
If so, leave and don't look back. I am also a very sexual person, and I have found that sex, if it is good, will smooth over almost any difficulty in a relationship, but if it is bad, it will make even the smallest conflicts unbearable. But is it possible that he just doesn't get that this is a dealbreaking issue for you? Men can be pretty bad at picking up hints - you may need to smack him over the head and say, "I am going to leave you unless you spank me!" for him to get the motivation. If he loves you and wants to keep you, you owe him the chance to do whatever he is willing to do with that full understanding.
If not...don't set yourself up for a lifetime of sexual frustration. You'll resent him, you'll feel guilty about being unsatisfied whether you stray or not...it'll never work out. And there are plenty of decent, loving men out there who would be happy to fulfill your fantasies.
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"the ties that bind"
Great, great advice. Thanks for posting.
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Sexual Maturity -- what to do?
Let me begin by saying -- Hell yeah Carry!... smack that ass!
I have read Savage love and Since you asked for years, and generally Dan has you beat cold for pure entertainment value... way to step up ... you rock.
It seems like Dirty Thirty's problem can't be addressed without a serious committment to working on this from her partner. Clearly, he is really confused right now, as he sees this as her thing, not seeing that a) his sex life is wayless fun than it could be b) ignoring/dismissing his partners needs in this area is a recipe for disaster.
So now the question, how can he address this if he does clue in? Having a partner that is willing to take him along for a ride is totally key, but I think there is lots that he can do outside the bedroom that could be to help things along. Activities like yoga that increase body awareness, therapy - meditation - "work" that could help him become aware of his own stuff and let go of it instead of remaining stuck in it and unwilling to open up to new experiences.
Dance is very helpful for learning to let go of ones judgements of oneself and others and cut loose -- key skills when one is out to hit it with reckless abandon, how to move, how to express ones sexuality openly, and finally theater of various sorts -- normal stage acting, improv, can help him get more comfortable with putting on a mask for his partner -- seeing the challenge and fun in it, recognizing the reality that we all play differnt roles for each other -- father, teacher, mentor, loyal friend -- and when we are lucky -- naughty boytoy, powerful dominatrix, etc. ...
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I heard that.
Been Down That Road writes:
"That kind of kink might seem fun now, but my experience is that it lost a whole lot of steam once I got to know myself better."
So true, but I know a lot of people who love their scripted sex lives, are very happy there and fairly self aware. I find most generic role play (esp baby talk -- a pet peeve) cheesy, but have had lovers who were dull missionary types despite their Prince Alberts. It's not really a matter of kink and beige, for I certainly do not run to beige. There's a whole spectrum of color and texture out there.
This LW reminds me of a recent short film by relentlessly pervy Larry Clark called "Destricted" that illuminated how porn has reduced our sexual creativity (and twists porn through a few other classic Clark themes). What she wants sounds like the element of surprise and a bit of dirty talk, not kink. Diner menu serve-it-up-sex. Shouldn't be hard to find. BDSM players (real kink) have some of the most substantial variety in their eroticism, because so much of it *isn't* sex, but sexy power games.
For the person interested in delving into the differences in the fantasy lives of men and women -- Look back to Nancy Friday's sex research from the 70s and early 80s. The first book "My Secret Garden" was full of lengthy, detailed and original women's fantasies. Things became more and more formulaic from there. The men's volumes were...predictable. Very Penthouse Letters.
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This could be complicated...
I, too, would hesitate to do some of this that you want. Part of it is the "you DON'T treat women this way" etc., but another, darker part of it is that I would REALLY want to do it, too.
That may sound stupid, or at the very least contradictory, so let me explain. I would be afraid I would go too far - I would cause lasting pain or damage, and can you really forgive that? Maybe you can, but that line between sex and agression is, for me, very VERY thin.
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As a guy, the biggest motivator for me is...
...seeing my partner getting obviously turned on. If it's part of a vanilla repertoire that is getting her turned on, then that is what I'm all about. Standard in-the-bed me-on-top is incredibly satisfying if she is really into it too; it's amazing in the way of well-oiled industrial machinery operating at full tilt, noisy and on the verge of throwing gears and springs in every direction. If it's something else, than that is what I'm going to do instead, because seeing her heat up is what really stokes the flames. Rather than expressing her desires as a request, as if ordering from the menu, where he can say that he's all out of that particular item today, perhaps the letter writer might slowly coax out the desired behavior by appearing less than aroused during vanilla sex, if it's possible to fake that (doing mental math problems is my common delaying tactic if I might be allowed to admit that here). This might be a natural way to elicit a few tentative "Do you like that"s at least. If that worked than she could move on from there. Maybe?