Letters to the Editor
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Best.Response.Ever.
Cary, you absolutely made my day with your response (and thanks, I really needed that today).
Other than that, I can only echo what others have said ... dont't stay. Been there, done that, ended in a train wreck. Go now while you're not suicidal yet.
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In praise of Beige...
I join the voices that urge LW to try to distinguish between "want" and "need". There's a whole lot more to "happily ever after" than sex. The reality for alot of us is that once there are kids and dogs and a mortgage in the picture, things are calm and great, just different. I mean, when I was 21, it was, like, "Dude, what are you doing tonight?" At that time in my life, it was very important to have party plans. It was a habit - go! go! go!- not a function of my nature. Now, I enjoy my family time, my quiet time with my partner, and I express a quieter, less performative sexuality.
I also, respectfully, question whether her requests are a function of desire or habit. Perhaps, all this whoopin' it up is just how she did it in the past. Cary has suggested that LW try to train her partner to her habits... I dunno. I have to question why she "has" to have it a certain way. I bet her man is questioning this, too. Is she just asking him to replicate the past performances of other men?
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Does he know the consequences?
First off, for the prudes who have written in on this one, relax. All this tomfoolery and loony lust is healthy and fabulous. Life is short. Sex is good when its about getting happy and crazy. Please, go judge yourself, let the rest of us live life to the fullest. Cary's advice and thoughts are right on and spoke to the 50% of us who find sex about letting go and dancing with the cosmos.
As to those who say, let the guy go, or pull up stakes, or even, there's more to love than sex, stay, grow up, be happy with what you've got...whatever: it seems to me that the LW's needs are legitimate and quite reasonable, but that the real question is whether her partner fully understands how important this is, that his response so far is either a deal breaker or that she will give up very deep, legitimate needs about a very fundamental part of adult personality, to make things work. I have a number of friends whose wives have left them after years of marriage (20+) all for sexual gratification outside of their relationships. While my friends for the most part are unwilling to talk about whether there were problems with their sex lives, they have all said in so many words, "Had I known she would leave me, I would have done anything to keep that from happening."
So my vote is for much deeper conversation. What does sex mean to this guy? Does he understand that it can mean something different to LW? Does he understand that it is important to create a mutual relationship in bed (or fucking in the garage, or wherever)? The best long-term relationships, the ones where love stays alive and life is more than just good, are those in which the partners grow and change and morph and expand together. It's not easy, especially with sex. It's not easy either if one of the partners is somewhat of a prude or traditionalist. These two may need counseling. LW needs help expressing her needs. Partner needs help hearing them and understanding that they are legitimate. The partner may in fact need help figuring out what his own needs are. He may feel inadequate in bed, he may have "issues" from his upbringing. Everything's got to come out if you're going to move forward.
In the end, if you ask me, there should never be compromise when love is at stake. Nothing's perfect, but people who feed off of each other, who's lives are enhanced being together, people who make the world light up when they are out on the town with friends or show up at gatherings to get the dancing started, or hold court during dinner parties making guests laugh and come out of their shells--people like that should not give up anything. They need to pledge to one another to grow and change naturally and to support each other in every way possible.
So, stay LW and really get down to the nitty gritty with your guy. Watch some porn with him (good porn). Tell him what turns you on. Don't expect much at first. Talk a lot about it all. Go see a sex doc. Eat dinner together naked in bed. Feed one another. Have faith. That's what love is about afterall. Give him time. If he loves you he'll figure it out. If he just can't get there for you, then he'll let you know that it's not working.
In the mean time, God bless the man for finding someone like you.
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I'm surprised
that there aren't a bunch of men out there offering a trade. As in, "Can I have hot domination sex with you, while your bf has ... hot vanilla sex with my gf?"
Interestingly, I've been in the LW's situation more than once. I guess because I don't come off as submissive in real life, I attract men who want to "make love." Which is fine, and often really hot, but the other stuff can be really amazing. Now I'm in a situation where the guy CAN'T just "make love." Which is also disappointing.
I'm curious though... Are women more sexually advenerous than men, generally? Any thoughts?
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Too Sad
Unfortunately if sex is so so now most everything else, even if it is fantastic now, will eventually be so so. It is not important wether she needs or wants. What is important is that she will need and want 20 years from now no matter what. So if you have a great time now thats cool but this sex thing is going to be in the way as one of the partners is not satisfied. It will interfere with everything and it will be terrible. Same as if sex is great but everything else sucks ass. AND speaking of - Try licking his butthole this gets most guys going even if the don't admit to it. It works for me. :-)