Letters to the Editor
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Best advice evah
We should do this more often :)
To the LW - that he mocks your fantasies is not a good sign, as Cary said, if he doesn't loosen up then you have some hard thinking to do. Don't leave it for to long.
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Talk Dirty
I am officially in love with Cary, that dirty fucking fucker. I cannot WAIT to see how this thread will unfurl. Probably long and throbbing like Cary's big cock!
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I always thought Cary was kinky. . .
. . .and now I know for sure. I know that most of the response to this article will be about how hot it is.
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Was there advice in that response?
And do I give a shit if there wasn't? Damn!
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It does not always come in the one package
On cooling myself down after reading Cary's stream, nay cataract of erotic meanderings I think the LW needs to consider a few things.
How important is sexual fullfillment in the wider context of her relationship, is sex an important way of acheiving intimacy and connectedness for her?. It isn't the case for everyone. I'm convinced many people have wonderful relationships in which they don't get that big a charge out of sex with the person they're in love with. And it doesn't matter, whereas other things like sharing their thoughts and feelings may be for some people.
I think it can put an unfair weight on a relationship to expect that one other person is going to meet the bulk if not all of your needs (emotional, physical, intellectual etc.) for the rest of your life. Lets face it how often do most people who have been together for 10 years or more actually have sex with each other? There are ex-marital affairs, one offs, masturbation, sublimation, self denial that come into play for most people in long term relationships.
Presumably LW's relationship is fairly new but if she is planning on spending the rest of her life with this otherwise satisfactory guy she needs to give this some thought. If he isn't meeting her needs now it's pretty unlikely to change too much for the better as time goes on.
How important is sex/monogamy/fidelity in your life?
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Good Advice, Cary
Eight years ago I sat my new boyfriend down and told him that I had something to say. Expecting this nice, polite, man who still wore ARGYLE, for God's sake to run screaming, I told him there were some things I liked to do in bed that weren't exactly conventional. I told him about the spanking, the occassional flogging, the blindfolds and the restraints I had in a bag in my closet. It was harder to tell him about my kinky interests than the fact that I was divorced and a mother of two.
When I finshed speaking, face flushed and nearly hyperventilating, I finally looked him in the eye. And he smiled. "I've been waiting to meet a girl like you," was what he said. He asked me to show him how, point him to some books (he likes to study), and introduce him to someone who could mentor him so that he would only hurt me in a good way. And I did. And he enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, and he got to be pretty good at it.
We celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary a month ago. The capper of our special day was taking out our favorite "toys" so that he could leave a web of red marks on my ass. Beats dinner and a movie any day.
What makes me hot is a part of me, and if I knew that I could not experience it for the entirety of my relationship, I'd have to end the relationship. It's THAT STRONG a need. It isn't just something I try out once in while. The LW is going to have to decide if love is enough with her "perfect" guy. Because he isn't perfect-he doesn't understand or respect her needs. And that's going to leave her feeling resentful and lonely over time. If I were in her shoes, honestly, I'd have left him long ago. It's not that he isn't a good person, but he isn't a good match for her, and I think that deep down, she knows that.
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Leave.
LW -- Cary was too chicken to say it bluntly, so I will.
Decide if freaky-hot sex is important to you. If it is, well...
Get. Out. Now.
If you don't, you may find you've got what I've got: a wonderful relationship with your best friend and intellectual equal in a lovely shared home with nice vacations, good friends, well-behaved pets and sex once a month. Tops. And if he's not ok with your fantasies, he likely won't be ok with you getting any on the side.
Perhaps he will indulge your fantasies, in time, after many tears. What then? Is it going to be hot for you when he's clearly going through the motions? Or is he going to resent it if he's made a half-hearted effort and you don't meet that half-a-heart halfway? I am not talking about failing to encourage scared and sincere effort; I'm talking about failing to go from 0 to cream in two minutes because he managed to murmur "You're so hot," while staring at your every facial twitch. It's a high-wire performance where you both can fall so easily.
You can have a perfectly uplifting relationship with such a man, but the relationship, in my experience, will not be erotic, and sex will be a difficult topic that collects baggage for both of you. You'll face a different choice, namely cheating or going without. It's not his fault. His libido is different. What you're asking for isn't erotic to him. It doesn't turn him on. He needs to feel safe, and that's just what you don't need.
Perhaps I'm wrong, and you'll have better luck with your man than I have with mine. You two might be able to take some sort of erotic voyage together where he learns to let go a bit, and you learn to relax into more subtle pleasures. But ask yourself first: does that seem likely? And do you want it anyway?
Maybe you do want to at least try that voyage. I do. It's what we're trying after several years of stress about this. But I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.