Letters to the Editor
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Whoot! I'm the first to post a response to this column!
Yes!
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Cigarettes -- My Best Friend
I don't know about all the other issues for this LW, but I can tell her one thing.
That "I want to smoke more but I'm not going to become a regular smoker" is the voice of nicotine addiction talking.
It's that crazy-making part of the brain that has already decided that it really LIKES the way it feels on nicotine.
Your brain really likes that hit of wow it gets every time you take a drag.
It likes it so much that it's going to start making excuses for you as to why you can do it more often, without it actually becoming a problem for you.
Yahbut, you say. I'm not going to be a smoking fiend. I'm a social smoker. I just want to light up at a bar.
That's ALSO your nicotine loving brain, trying to psych you into doing what it wants.
I know because I said all these things to myself...and a lot more.
I smoked for more than 20 years.
I lost my mother to lung cancer a few years ago.
And now, one of my best friends also a former smoker, has lung cancer, and is going to have to have a lung removed in just a few weeks. He's in his 50s.
Smoking feels SOOOOOO good when you do it, it's so much fun -- believe me, I still think about how much I loved it, what fun it was to smoke with friends, with a drink, with a coffee, etc. -- but don't fool yourself.
If you are trying to figure out ways to smoke more, you are on your way to dependence on cigarettes, if not there already.
And seriously, there are a hell of a lot better ways to die than lung cancer...
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boyfriend is right, girlfriend is wrong
Yes, LW will readdict herself. Any number more than zero cigarettes is addiction. LW needs to grow up, do some psychotherapy, and give up the idea that independence means the freedom to smoke herself into a painful early grave, whether from heart problems, lung cancer or emphysema. How many friends and relatives do you have to see suffer and die before you realize that smoking is stupid?
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Bad Advice
I read the letter, expecting to conclude the guy was controlling, but at the end didn't see the evidence. That's not to say he isn't, but Cary goes way too far in assuming he's "Mr. Rigid." One has to consider the amount of flexibility this man has shown to validate the LW so consistently.
Also, and Cary hinted at this, one should consider how habits can form as partners play the roles of caretaker and injured, without the caretaker having to be naturally controlling - or rigid. Often, the caretaker in a relationship is simply the one in a better position to help a partner with less resources, nothing more. If the partner who's down is way down, the caretaker has to show a lot of flexibility and trust in order to avoid making the caretaker dynamic habitual (much like smoking). The LW's man appears to have navigated this threat relatively well, if he just gives glances when the LW's smoking. It sounds like he objects in no way to the LW's experiments with freedom in other ways.
Finally, I agree with other writers who argue that it's an addition calling the LW, and addictions make you less rational. I used to smoke. The first time I really quit I started dating a non-smoker. Once and a while I'd have cigarettes, but never around her. What I found, is that there were times where I looked forward to not being around her so that I could slip in a smoke. What a terrible effect - and I was a very casual smoker.
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Why do you need to smoke?
I believe one of two things is going on here:
1. Cigarettes represent freedom for you. You want to smoke in moments of defiance -- you feel trapped, you feel policed, and you need a small rebellion to remind you that you are an autonomous individual.
2. You are gradually re-addicting yourself. I know countless people who started smoking "only with alcohol" in a social, bar smoking type way... then a few sober cigarettes... then a full blown habit.
To be honest, I suspect the second option -- otherwise, why not just drop cigarettes? Many people live happy lives without smoking a single cigarette ever. You could be one of those people.
Yet, cigarettes have become a big deal for you. Big enough that you wrote a detailed letter to an advice columnist about your desire to smoke "not that often."
You might need to work on your relationship with your boyfriend. You might even need to break up with your boyfriend if things get bad -- but if that's the issue, deal with your boyfriend by dealing with him -- not by smoking.
So whether it's emotional issues or addiction -- stop smoking. Stop for yourself, for your health, and because you don't need chemicals to get through the day anymore.
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Secondhand smoke?
The LW says her boyfriend doesn't like smoke, yet she argues that she should be able to enjoy an occasional cigarette around him.
She's lucky that all he throws at her is a disapporving look. If I were him, I'd throw something a lot heavier. She has the right to ruin her lungs, what she doesn't have the right to do is smoke in front of someone who doesn't want to be nearby. Not to mention how disgusting it is to kiss a smoker.
What he bargained for when he started dating her was a healthy person who rid herself of truly bad, destructive habits. I can't blame the guy's alarm for going off after she's taken up an old habit, albeit "occasionally," considering that she has a history of substance and alcohol abuse. An addictive personality may lie dormant, but it never really goes away no matter how much time has passed or how much you delude yourself. One day at a time, right?
The LW should be grateful that she has a guy who was willing to see her through all her fucked up shit and still continues to care for her. He's not your mother or a hall monitor; he sounds like a saint. If this is the biggest complaint you have about him, a lot of us should be green with envy.