The letter writer's age is not disclosed, but he sounds like a teenager. Why exacerbate the panic and confusion he may already be feeling?

The father's taste in porn does not prove any action one way or the other. Particularly, it's unfair to leap to the conclusion that he's putting his wife in mortal danger by having unprotected gay sex. And in no way, shape or form is it a teenage son's job to out his father to his mother!

There is no reason for the LW to speak to the dad about this at all. Simply put, it doesn't involve him and it's none of his business. And he certainly has no reason to bring it up with Mom.

It's that simple.

If he's all troubled about it, the person that the LW needs to talk to is a counselor.

Cary

I admire your advice and your writing but I have to disagree this time. Porn is not always a reliable indicator of how a person self identifys. The father of the LW may get hard, may get off looking at pictures of men, but in his own mind and in all his other actions in the world see himself as a straight man, good husband and father etc. Its one of those things that is hard to understand if it's not you, the same with straight men who feel the need to cross dress, or straight men who love having something put into their anus while having sex with a woman.

To make the leap that this father is just a gay butterfly waiting to emerge from his straight cocoon is a big one. Porn does not always lead to the real thing, in fact I bet in most cases it never does.

For the LW to take the course you recommend may complicate and destroy relationships where their is no need. The LW should see a counsellor and maybe do some more investigation before they confront the father.

David Edler

STOP SNOOPING AROUND IN YOUR DAD'S SHIT!!!!!! Have you ever heard the saying "Ignorance is bliss"? Mind your own business. Keep your mouth shut and act like it never happened.

Would you want dad to have a heart-to-heart with you about your porn? Your dad's sexuality is none of your business.

Cary said, verbatim:

Do not assume that your dad is gay.

Do not assume anything.

Just tell him you saw it.

Ask him what it means.

Listen to him.

If the father *is* gay - and that's a big IF that is the absolute basis of Cary's response - then yes, it does concern the son and the rest of the family. The LW should talk to his dad about it first, of course he should. Otherwise he'd be operating on assumptions and in a situation so rife with potential to make wrong ones, that would be bad. So he should talk to his dad, and if he feels that's not helping - if the father becomes very very angry, or is evasive or seems like he is not being honest with his son, or God forbid if wants the son to collude in hiding his sexual orientation - the LW should try to find an objective adult to whom with whom he can discuss the issue and how best to handle it given the potential for family divisiveness.

But that's getting way way way ahead of things. First the LW should talk to his dad, and, as Cary says, tell him what he saw, and ask him what it means, and listen to the answer.

If the father just likes to look at gay porn every once in awhile - which is not unbelievable- then he is within is rights to say this is a private matter between me and my libido, thanks for your concern but you can butt out now - and in the future stay out of my closet (no pun intended).

LW says "I know my brothers would disown him and I don't want to hurt my dad, but he is killing me." Sounds to me as if it's at least POSSIBLE that LW is a daughter.

I agree with the other letters so far, but I think it's crucial to know the writer's age. Confrontation may be possible for a 20-year-old, but not for a 12-year-old, whose father has too much power over him and can make his life really difficult. I think he should have been advised to seek counseling, but we need to know way more than we do in order to give the kind of advice you gave. In general, I think it would be better only to respond to letters that give a certain amount of background information.

He wrote something like, "ask about it. Say that you saw it, then listen to his response. Don't freak out if the response is a rehearsed lie; that's a standard one to look for. Ultimately, you're his kid and he's done the best he could. Work with that."

I'll buy that. It's better than most other responses, and "keep secrets" isn't a great way to handle this.

Hi Sandram

If you read my letter carefully I wasn't challenging Cary on whether he thought the father was gay or not but on the fact that it wasn't clear that he was and so talking to him, as Cary advocated, about the porn was probably going to do more harm than any possible good. Intruding into somebodies private sexual world is always risky and to what end should the LW attempt it?

Sorry if my letter wasn't clear enough.

David Edler

First: what makes everyone so sure this letter is from a son rather than a daughter? Was there information that was deleted from the letter before posting it that tells Cary it was a son?

Second: Depending on the LW's age, I would say for him (I'm saying him for ease of discussion) to consider keeping it to himself. Parents are adults with their own lives that intersect with kid's lives, but a great deal of a parent's life, especially the sexual stuff, is not for public consumption. You wouldn't want to have a discussion with your father about your sexual interests and habits, and I'm certain you don't want to discuss his. There are many possible reasons for his having this stuff. I bet most plausible reasons are those you really don't want to know. Consider that you accidentally encountered a part of your dad's life that is off-limits and try to let it go. I have found it very useful to adopt the philosophy of never missing a chance to keep one's mouth shut.

If you cannot let it go, you might let your dad know you saw the materials and that it was something that surprised you. He might want to know that his hiding place has been uncovered. If you really want to know if he's gay, then ask him. But before asking anything, remember that you shouldn't ask questions if you really don't want the answers. After all, he's the same person with the same amount of love for you. What he does or looks at in his private life is his business.

I can't imagine that it's the LW's responsibility to tell anyone. And would telling actually help anyone, or only provide an outlet for the LW? If there is no one that would be helped and he needs to talk to someone, that's when you pay a therapist and consider it money well spend. And if the LW can find the porn, it's pretty likely that the mom knows something as well.