As an American woman, I can advise only what I've heard so many times--enough to sound like a cliche, but nonetheless true: If you're an interesting and social person, others will find you interesting. If you give of yourself (in ways you enjoy, like volunteering), you'll find others of that ilk. I've been divorced for a decade and have two sons. I joined a social group for singles six years ago (don't know if these exist in Pakistan, but maybe they should--there shouldn't be a stigma attached to it). There was a man in that group with whom I became friendly, but had no romantic interest in. For three years we saw each other at club events, and ran some events together. Then we had (or made) the opportunity to have some one-on-one time, over several dinners and cups of tea. After several of these "dates," it appeared that our friendship had blossomed into something more romantic and committed. We've now been a couple for almost three years, and looking toward the future.

Before we started dating, I had some false starts with relationships, including one really bad date. I had pretty much given up on finding someone who was right for me (especially at my age; I'm older than the LW). Turns out he was in front of me for three years (he had an interest in me for a long time, but was afraid to make a move in fear of ruining the friendship in the event that I wasn't interested).

My point is that when you get out in the world, socialize, make yourself available, and make friends with women and men, you will get noticed, and your chances will improve towards finding someone with whom you can have a friendship (shared interests, values, compatibility) that can blossom into a romance. When you're friends first, you can really appreciate the solid foundation upon which the relationship is built, as opposed to a more superficial attraction (as I like to say, "sparks, shmarks").

Patience is a virtue, but it shouldn't prevent you from getting out there and enjoying your life. People who are interesting and fun will attract others who are likewise.

Dear Mt.,

You seem prone to obsession, such as when you ignored your VISA status because you were too preoccupied with convincing a certain guy to marry you. Now you are obsessed again, with marriage. You have decided that marriage is what will save you from a life of loneliness, and indeed all your greatest fears. All obsessions are rooted in illusion.

There's plenty of evidence that marriage is not the answer to all. Look at the divorce rates -- plenty of people are at least as lonely -- if not lonelier -- in marriage than they were when they were single. Then there are unfortunate cases where a spouse becomes severely ill or dies. There are no guarantees in life against hardship or heartbreak. Everything can change in an instant at any time -- for better or for worse.

<<A very good friend of mine told me the other day, "You will get married when you stop thinking about it so much.">>

I agree with your friend. I've been thinking a lot lately about something a friend said to me about ten years ago, "The extent of pain I'm in always seems to be in direct proportion to the discrepancy between what I want (expectation) and what actually is (reality)." Life goes by moment to moment. Be grateful for what you have, and resolve to enjoy and make the most of it. If you are able to do this, you will undoubtedly connect with others in a way that will make your life less lonely whether you marry or stay single. It's a planet of billions of people; you are never really alone. That too is an illusion.

Whatever you do, do not get married to "anyone." You're not choosy? Everyone should be choosy! Forever is a long time, and it's not such a bad thing to hedge your bets by marrying late....

Best wishes.

I don't think the solution to this lw's problem is going to be as simple as just "getting out there." It seems that the most accomplished women around the globe are facing the existential crisis of possibly living out their lives alone. The best piece I've read so far on this phenomena is "Single Professional Women: A Global Phenomenon: Challenges and Opportunities" by Linda Berg-Cross , Anne-Marie Scholz, JoAnne Long, Ewa Grzeszcyk, and Anjali Roy, which can be found through Google.

thank you so much for picking this letter.

i am a few years younger than lw (33) and in the u.s., but feel similarly oppressed by the often silent but weighty pressure to get married. the thing is, when i think about it, i don't even feel ready to get married! yet i sense this societal judgment that if i'm not, then there's something really wrong - unmarriageable - about me. my unmarried friends are distraught with grief and my married friends are so smug - in spite of the ridiculous partners many of them have settled for. it is all so disgusting and i don't know what to do about it.

and i feel it's coming from women. why do we put this pressure on ourselves?

then of course there's the biological clock issue... but i'm also not ready for kids and not opposed to adoption or egg-freezing. i'll try when i'm ready but i'm not going to plan my life around pregnancy.

am i supposed to get married because the pool of good men is shrinking? or because my looks are (in theory) fading so i need to cash in my chips while i'm still ahead? these seem to be the concomitant assumptions to marital pressures.

i strongly believe that this pressure should be examined much more thoroughly. i see my strong, independent, incredibly successful friends racing for the next man they date for fear of ending up alone - i swear, it's like musical chairs for men once you hit 30! and if people actually thought about whether or not they even want to be married and why, i think this pressure would dissipate. for example, this pressure is not as strong for men, and i don't believe that men are more resistant to loneliness. so why the double standard?