I'm a fat man. Probably not as overweight as the LW's friend, but not as dead sexy as I used to be. I knew what it was like to be that head turner - to catch a look between the girl I was out with and her friends that said, "hey, pretty good huh?" The LW's guy friend just might remember this from his past.

I say this in service of an idea. Consider talking to your man about getting his weight down. Be honest with your friend and say: "You know what? I like guys to be leaner than you, but I like you so much I don't want to walk away." He'll appreciate the fact that you don't like fat guys and appreciate even more that you could say that to him and also admit that you want him anyway. Tell him that, together, you two will get him down to a sexy size - and that he'll appreciate every pound that comes off in your increased excitement. A benefit for you, the LW, is that when he does get sexy, you will have a feeling of ownership and participation in that new body.

The fact is, it's a lot easier for men to lose weight than it is for women. I can do it pretty easily if I set aside the time and scare up the will. Moreover, this guy probably wants to lose the weight. You should be happy that the only thing wrong with your man is the one thing that you can change about a man. It certainly is a lot easier than trying to make a thin jerk cool.

First, Cary is absolutely right that you shouldn't punish yourself for your feelings. You sexual preferences don't make you a bigot -- if you're not turned on by someone, you're just not. It doesn't mean you believe fat people are less worthy, it just means your body doesn't respond sexually to fat men.

Second, sexual attraction matters. When I was a little girl, I wanted a husband -- but I'm only attracted to women, so I only date women. I can't have a healthy romantic relationship with someone who doesn't turn me on.

And finally, it's important to remember that some people are attracted to fat. Salon ran an article, "Big Love," that expressed this eloquently. If you aren't attracted to this man, chances are, a woman who appreciates large bodies will fall for him.

You don't have to pity him for his size. If you don't want him sexually, you aren't doing him a favor by staying with him. This man deserves someone who craves him -- who wants his mind and body. This might be you, and it might not -- only you can know for sure.

feed that standard issue female shallowness some more why don't you.

I am sure you would agree that guys also need not ever feel bad anymore that they do not want the chubby chick either and that she should be left alone her whole life without a man too.

I do applaud the LW for her honesty, but I can tell her from experience that her concerns are more than a bit shallow...the fact is that if she is looking for a LTR, she should understand that sexual interest comes and goes, but the feelings she needs to sustain the relationship are exactly what she describes experiencing with this man...if she really wants to pursue this guy, she should help him explore where his weight issues come from--there may be a pathology involved that she can help him resolve. There is no question that our culture has produced people with weight problems, but there are ways to address them--working on this together will probably bring this couple closer, if he is open to this inquiry. She should approach this is a health problem, not as an aesthetic problem...eventually I think she will see it as such if she begins to really care about him...

Re: "I would suggest one more idea"

Hmmm, you know, if you reverse the genders, this "one more idea" becomes pretty loathsome, doesn't it?

"You know honey, I like you, but I like my women skinnier. Why don't I help you lose weight? Then I'll be attracted to you! Won't that make you happy?"

Isn't this exactly what WOMEN have been fighting to escape for the past forty years? The idea that SELF-fulfillment comes from being attractive to OTHERS?

Your guy is fat. He might want to lose weight or he might be happy being fat. Either way, he is who he is.

What if he loses the weight and gains it all back in five years when you have a mortgage and some kids? Will you find yourself...

TRAPPED WITH A FAT MAN?!?

And what if YOU put on a few extra pounds or lose an eye in a barfight and HE decides he wants to be with someone younger? Prettier? Skinnier?

...who would die to meet a guy like this. If he's straight, that is. (It's not clear from the letter whether the LW is male or female). So there's absolutely no need to consider him some kind of mercy date. I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who would like me a lot better if only I looked different. Who would?

I always appreciate the fact that Cary has a calm, even-handed approach to the subject of weight -- so refreshing in light of the relentless fat-bashing in most of the media. I think most of what he said was pretty spot-on, and I'd add only the following.

LW, you might want to ask yourself why this man's weight bothers you so much, in light of the fact that you say you like pretty much everything else about him. Perhaps, like most people, you've been indoctrinated in fat-is-disgusting and fat-people-are-out-of-control thinking. It's everywhere, so it would be hard for someone to live in this world and never be affected by it.

What is it specifically you associate with being fat that is negative? Does it cause you to make certain assumptions about his habits which may or may not be accurate? (What is true for some is not necessarily true for all.) Are you afraid of what others will think of you in association with him? Are you worried that he will die young and leave you widowed? (If he is cardiovascularly fit -- that is, if he is physically active and has done well on treadmill testing -- he is no more likely to die young than a thinner man. See extensive research done by Dr. Steven Blair at the Cooper Institute in Dallas.)

How does he feel about his body? Has he ever brought it up? Does he seem comfortable in his body? Does he regard himself as appealing and sexy? If he's ill at ease in his own skin, he could be unconsciously communicating that to you as a lover and making you think about it more than if he felt better about himself.

And what if the tables were turned, and you were the one who was fat? How would you want/expect to be treated by a lover, particularly one who was having a problem "getting past" your size? Would you want to talk about it, or would you want him to just quietly leave you alone and let you find someone who wasn't turned off by your body? Neither answer is right or wrong, it's just what's right or wrong for you.

Not everyone is going to find us a huge turn-on, for whatever reason. But I think many people literally don't know what they're missing not giving someone who "isn't their type" a chance. I remember a brief passage from Laura Fraser's An Italian Affair, in which one of Fraser's Italian girlfriends (a thin woman) mentions that she has a new boyfriend who is fat, a first for her. "It's like riding waves," she says. "Wonderful!" How many people, bombarded constantly with anti-fat hysteria, could manage to see a large lover that way? Could you be one of them?