I also recommend what has worked very well in my family: my husband makes more money than I do, so we prorate the expenses according to how much money we actually make. He makes about 50% more than I do, after taxes and deductions. We have worked out what the expenses (mortgage, groceries, utilities, child care, auto) are in a month, and each month we contribute that much to a joint account from which we draw to pay the joint expenses. He pays 60%, I pay 40%.

He has more money left over after he pays in than I do, but he also pays in more, and this seems fair to both of us.

The LW might want to try this plan with joint expenses BEFORE they move in together or get married. He wants to go to Japan (or, hell, out to dinner?) If he makes $6000 a month after taxes and deductions, and she makes $1500 a month after taxes and deductions (and I would include the student loans in her necessary deductions, and her contribution to her own "rainy day" fund too - after all, he's got a "rainy day" fund called "his parents"; she doesn't), then she pays 20% of the bill for dinner, and he covers the other 80%. Would they both be happy with that?

If they are, then try it on the trip to Japan. Or Seattle. If they're still happy, frankly, they might as well get married, because if they can work that arrangement out it means that they're both prepared to think seriously about money, and to negotiate. The only thing left for a successful marriage is to figure out who gets up at 3 a.m. to put the pacifier back in the wailing baby's mouth :)

People with money, especially those who have always had money, see money much more differently than those of us who've had to learn to live on a limited budget. The way I see it, money buys you choices. If your income is limited, you have to buy an inexpensive car. If your income is moderate or high, you can buy a nicer car. The person with a history of limited income knows that the inexpensive car is still an option, you just have a lot of alternatives, but someone who has always had money might not understand the idea of making financial choices. To BF, Japan and dinner and whatever are options on the table, and he cannot fathom someone not having such a wide array of options, thus he probably doesn't really understand the LW's mindset. He's never been in a situation with very limited options or no real choices to make.

I'd be more concerned about his cavalier attitude about her financial status than the money itself. The idea that he would willingly put her in debt to fulfull his desire to go to Japan is worrisome and suggests that he might put himself at financial risk at some point. Also she'd want to be sure he's going to willingly share his resources without constantly reminding her that it's really his, or using the money as a means of control. But if he wants to make her comfortable and provide her resources, that can't be too wrong.

She would be condemned swiftly if she was recalcitrant because he was poor. She shouldn't hold it against him just because he's wealthy. It depends.

They're not compatible as people. Not even close. Their value systems are miles apart. It would not be an illogical leap to see that gulf will be there at every turn of their relationship. Cyndi Lauper was right. Money changes everything.

According to her, she'd attempted discussion on numerous occasions, and he's not getting where she comes from. Blows her off, based on the descriptions she's provided.

Look, LW, with this guy it will be always be about money, and money will play a major part in every decision. Money is power, and in his world you won't really have any. There will be a pre-nup--his family will insist. And you will never feel like you truly belong, because you don't. The rich are different than you and me.

Best to listen to exactly what you already know, otherwise why write to Cary and read these letters? You know it won't work. Get out now while you still have your dignity, because eventually he'll find a way to buy that, too. Trust me. Been there. It's very hard to buy that back.

For two years I dated a guy who made almost exactly twice my salary. His family was very well-off; he grew up in a tony Philadelphia neighborhood in gigantic stone manor house that was apparently one of the smaller ones on his 'hood (a good buddy of his grew up in an honest-to-goodness mansion). The first three years of my life saw my dad as a delivery truck driver followed by food-stamps and my mother working as a home-health aide, living in a budget apartment complex. Early days in the relationship were exactly as you describe, he would want to go out for dinner every night instead of cooking at home and although an $8 burger sounds sort of reasonable, five of them are kind of expensive (plus beer and tip, naturally). When I finally broke down and told him that I was going broke trying to keep up with him (I was actualy tapping into my savings account in order to match the lifestyle to which he was accustomed) these were his words to me:

"Don't insult me."

That moment is etched on my brain. I should have dumped him on the spot, but unfortunately I lacked enough self-respect to do so (turning 30 nicely cured that, incidentally). Until that moment I thought he was a reasonable, humble, insightful sort of person. But at that moment I realized that not only did he not have any understanding of what it really meant to be even *middle class* -- forget about poor! -- he couldn't even believe such a thing existed in proximity to him. For all his intelligence and thougtfulness and well-read, well-travelled-ness, he really and finally could -- or would not -- not comprehend that the people he knew and were close to lived lives that with carefully-defined budgets. That was not the dealbreaker, but it was one of wedges that finally drove us (far, far) apart. His willful ignorance of my financial realities (not to mention the financial realities of 98% of the rest of the world) signalled a profound and irredeemable lack of respect for me, for my intelligence, and for my life experience.

Your honey's comment about "there's always a way" reminds me of that in a nutshell: he refuses to acknowledge that he lives a privileged life, and you do not. He may hear you when you explain your situation to him, but he doesn't seem to be listening and -- to my mind at least -- doesn't respect you enough to concede that you are the expert on your own life.

"Tread carefully" is the only thing I can think of for advice. To love someone is also to respect them and accept them, and if he persists on knowingly pricing you out of your time together I think it would be worth your while to decide whether you really should be wasting any additional time trying to make him understand who you are.