Read other letters about this article

• Monday, July 24, 2006 07:11 AM

  Attitude adjustment

  My husband grew up the child of relative privilege while I grew up the child of well-educated parents who were buffetted by circumstances mostly involving the breadwinner's (my dad's) mental illness. As Dr. Phil might say, exposure to insecurity and want changes who you are. It makes you pessimistic about the future and it leaves you feeling needy and dependent even when, objectively, you are doing amazingly well in life. It can trap you into staying in jobs you hate because you are too afraid to take a chance on something new and, in general, it can stunt your enjoyment of life. It used to scare me how much my husband could spend on things, like travel, that to me were just out and out extravagant. Somehow, I did adjust but it still feels scary.

  It's possible that LW's BF is just a jerk, and really, he should have figured out that LW cannot match his lifestyle with her own resources and should not be expected to. Nonetheless, she should not assume that the only issue is the relative disparity of resources between them. Because, even if her boyfriend is genuinely willing to share and is not trying to control her through money, LW might find herself continuing to feel uncomfortably insecure, and unhappy unless her world is narrow and self-contained. She might give up things that she really does value, out of fear, or even out of loyalty to those who cannot share her good fortune. So without excusing his lack of empathy, even if the relationship does not succeed, for her own good, she needs to address her own fear of always falling back into poverty.

  —BR Read BR's other letters
  Permalink
  Flag
  Click "Submit Flag" if you feel this post is inappropriate. Explain why below if you wish.

  Cancel