Dear LW,

Why did you write when your mind is made up?

Don't do it.

OK, do it.

Whatever. I'll think of you, as if that matters.

xoxo,

Cary

telling the truth is almost always the right thing to do in these situations. A writer I admire once had a character of his say "in all emotional situations, the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do." And that's true, most of the time.

Going through my own divorce, which happened very quickly, I often wished my spouse had told me the truth. But she told only part of the truth. To this day I wonder what would have happened if we'd both told the truth. Our truths. All of it. Unfortunately, we simply didn't know how.

Thing is, if you don't know how to do it, then you can't do it.. and the correspondent here may not really know how to tell the truth. Her husband may not know how either.

In that case, it's unlikely they'll make it without a lot of couples' therapy with a really good shrink. Without that, neither of them will really get it. Human psychology is a very subtle and involved thing. It's hard to have a deep and meaningful relationship with anyone without some fairly high-functioning understanding of what makes us all tick.

Sad situation. Being in-love is so much easier. All those nice brain-chemicals making us feel sooooo good. Trying to make a life and a relationship without that...building a different kind of love from scratch...that's really, really hard, and I suspect most people never figure it out.

Whatever else your correspondent does...she should try your way. Tell the truth, hell with the consequences. Why not? What does she have to lose here? Not much, it seems. And the off-chance of much to gain.

...does the writer never take into account the effect leaving her husband could have on her daughter? Of the three, I have the most sympathy for the child.

To the LW: Please get a complete psychological and physical evaluation before you make any drastic decisions. There is something about the grandiose sweep of your letter that suggests that you might be bipolar or have some similar disorder. The symptoms of bipolar illness include sudden, strong fixed ideas, impulsive decisions, unrealistic beliefs in one's own abilities and powers, distractibility and an inability to concentrate, and spending sprees.

These things have a strong genetic component; the chaos in your birth family may have arisen from mental illness. Having grown up with abuse and anger, you might think that this roller coaster of drama is normal instead of a pathology. If you were tormented with uncertainty and rejection as a child, that is what love feels like to you. How could you possibly be comfortable with a loving husband unless he could replicate the neglect and misery you knew in your family? Don't do to your child what was done to you. Explore these possibilities with your therapist so that if you do decide to leave, you will know that it is truly your decision--not a choice forced obsessively on you by illness or by the twisted legacy of your parents.

I agree that leaving her husband would probably be like pushing rewind and doing the same thing over again with a kid and no support from her husband. I understand that feelings are feelings, but I suspect that her husband was man enough to stick with her and support her through those difficult times although he may not be the perfect guy. Finding another person who will be willing to do that for her and her daughter will be difficult. Considering the financial hardship looming over the horizon, what's she taking off for?

You married after a stormy four years.

You had a child.

You had a postpartum breakdown that lasted for a year and you lost your job because you were not functioning.

Your husband stood by and supported you through all this. Probably took care of the child and you?

Then you found a therapist and a great drug cocktail that clarified your mind, and your "inner voice" started in about "protecting" yourself. From what or whom? You need protection from yourself it sounds like.

Your letter could not spare a sentence about why you know in your heart you have to leave him. We know he is "intense" and is supporting you, he was there for your year long depression, your therapy and all your material needs. We know he has no family. So far, there is no obvious reason to leave him.

You say you love him. There is no evidence of this in what you wrote. You say you love your child and stayed alive because of her. There is no evidence of this love in what you are proposing to do to her.

It's no picnic being with someone who chooses not to make you an emotional priority.

If you're feeling fed up, chances are your husband is, too.

If he's anything I was, he's feeling pretty desperate right now, like love is a fistful of sand running between his fingers.

Maybe he's feeling like he's always second or third in line at your emotional soup kitchen. That there's always a work crisis or a family crisis or a brain malfunction or some other reason why his bowl is empty.

And maybe he's getting to the end of his rope.

And maybe he's been feeling like if he can't get fed, well, then he can roll up his sleeves and pitch in.

So he's been accomodating. He's been patient. He's been earning the money and taking care of the details and giving you the space you need to work it out.

And now, of course, you have worked it out: HE'S the problem. Of course. If you leave him, you'll be happy!

Because, clearly, he's been holding you back.

And when you do leave him, it's not like he'll just take one or two feeble shots and reconcilation before moving on and maybe finding happiness with someone who WANTS to be with him.

No, he'll probably chase you, create a big drama, angry scenes at restaurants, bitter arguments over child support, desperate, pleading, drunken midnight calls. Yes, girl, you best gird your loins for QUITE a passionate few months.

Which, we all know, is the LAST thing you're looking for.