Letters to the Editor
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so tragic
This happens a lot, I think. My ex clearly did not love me or I him at the end of our marriage, but we had children. He wanted to stay together and I did not, (out of laziness and nothing more), so when my kids were still pretty young, (the oldest 13, youngest 7), I left him, happily, until he started dating. He was not dating pretty younger women, but older women who lavished him with affection. He was clumsy and oafish about it, letting our kids meet one particular woman and taking her places with the kids he and I had taken them. He was giddy and ridiculous and although I could not stand the sound of his voice, his inane comments, his senseless cruelty when we lived together, I was so terribly hurt when he started dating. It was awful and I fell apart, it was such an ego crusher. Seven years later, I have not had yet one date. I work at home, all my kids have had problems, one with trichotillamania, one with spina bifida, the other trying desparately to get attention from her father by acting out in school and at home. Try managing that as a single parent with a minimum of support, financial or emotional. (At one therapy session with my daughter with trichotillamania, he picked up the paper and started reading.) It has not worked out well. It's all such hard work and I have not been entirely successful. I hate my ex and I wish I didn't. It doesn't hurt him at all. In fact, it feeds something of his, to know I have a feeling for him, any feeling. Be mad, but move on. It wasn't you, it was him, but you can't get back those 15 years for anything, just look ahead.
I am going to get some cognitive therapy to get rid of this anger. It's just no good. By the way, in Oregon if you get a divorce and have children, you have to take a course to learn how to get along with your ex. I did that, and it helped for the moment, but not for reasons you might think. You take the course with other people who are getting divorced, and my misery loved company, and there was just so much of it, you have no idea. Divorce is so painful. Good luck.
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It happened to me
At the ripe old age of 29 my husband ended our marriage while we sat eating pizza and lemonade. He said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I begged him to stay and work it out, but he said he needed to go find himself. He said he was lost.
He left. I wished him luck finding the nearest bus to fall under.
Fast foward to my 30th birthday. I run into the ex's boss who tells me my ex is married to the student intern he met a few weeks BEFORE he announced that he wanted a divorce. Yup. I was crushed.
I'm 34 now and haven't heard from him since the night he packed up his stuff and moved out. It still hurts sometimes, but I am one touch cookie.
LW, I know you're angry now, but it does get easier.
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Facts of life
It is a fact of life that once the novelty wears off, us men seem to get to the stage when our wives no longer have any kind of sexually stimulative effect on us.
Then maybe we go through the porno movie, fancy lingerie, weekend in hotel regime, just to show willing, but our heart is not in it, and it is like flogging a dead horse.
We don't like to just tell our wives that we are not attracted any more. We like our wives, and we have gotten used to them, but this is how it is.
Probably the vast majority of marriages end up sexless sooner or later, but since so many of us (both men and women) have a sense of sexual entitlement, we aren't prepared to just let it go and get ourselves the occasional bit on the side, if we can.
So we go through all this bullshit about finding ourselves, getting a divorce, dividing our assets, selling the happy home, so that we can find another woman just like dear old wifey, only younger and bonk her without the benefits of marriage--like we would have done when we were younger, if we thought we could get away with it.
The we marry the bitch, and get bored with her too.
If we are very rich, we can do this quite a few times, but generally economics intervenes and after the second or third go around we become resigned and call it quits.
Then, a bit later on, we die and gradually all is forgotten.
So ma'am, please don't take it personally. We are all that way.
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Complacency
"he never took me on overnights or dates and is now taking her"
When I read this, the first thing I thought is, well, did you ever invite him on overnights or on dates?
Its funny, a good friend of mine always complains that her husband is never romantic with her any more and their sex life has virtually ended. The funny thing is that before they were married she was extremely athletic (washboard abs, the whole thing). Fastforward seven years later and she hasnt been to the gym in five years. Her husband appears to be fit and trim, but she has gained at least twenty pounds. There is no mystery as to why he doesnt treat her like the hot little number she used to be. Its because she is not.
Complacency is the death of any marriage.
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On To Something Better
I am so glad my beautiful, sexy, 45-year old girlfriend's husband "lost interest" in her. I am about to turn 42, and although our life together almost definitely means no kids for me, I'd rather have a life with her than a child with another woman. Besides, she has a bright, beautiful boy who will become my stepson.
LW, some man out there will see you for the catch you are. You'll have to go through some tough times, but finally, you will be cherished by a loving man who knows a good thing when he sees it. When that time comes, I hope you will be healed enough to love and trust. My heart and best wishes go out to you.