can you check on that Cary?

otherwise, yeah, cog. therapy is a way to go

So you are always endorsing cognitive therapy, and I believe you, but having taken my daughter and myself to numerous therapists, how do I get cognitive therapy exactly? Do I find a therapist on my insurance list, call them and ask if they offer cognitive therapy? There are a lot of therapists out there who will help you in their office, but not in your life.

I assumed the LW is a woman. I re-read the letter and realized the only reason I did was cause s/he works as a temp and a file clerk. I ain't proud, but there it is.

The lw is already doing what the lw is supposed to be doing, being an office temp. lw needs to work hard at this so as to someday become an office perm. Welcome to real life. I could go on and let lw know that lw will not be doing anything important etc. but lw will discover this soon enough. Forget cog drink nog.

Except for the details about parents, the fact that the LW actually has a job, and his/her age (5 years older than me), this letter could have been written by me. But I've done the therapy thing and don't really know if it "works." I just don't trust doctors, I guess. Especially when they interrupt you to prescribe medication like the brand names on their calendars and pens.

Cognitive therapy is great, and may help YB work on some things, but it's a solution for the symptoms. The problem is that YB's afraid. Afraid of failure, or death, or who knows what, and when you let fear run your life, you just might wind up finding yourself in the basement at a company you hate, doing a job you feel is beneath you. You also might find yourself dithering your whole life away, unable to make a decision because you're afraid you'll pick the wrong thing.

The solution is to pick the wrong thing. People do it all the time, and you YB, have already done so apparently to wind up at this job you hate. So you made a mistake. It happens. To everyone. Pick yourself and move on. Quit your job YB. Find something else. You might be right, you might be wrong, or you might think it's wrong at first and it'll turn out right or even vice versa, but let me put it all on the table here--This is your life. It's the only one you get. And it happens on a second-by-second basis.

It sounds like you think about things enough, YB, as a matter of habit. Thinking is wonderful, and the unexamined life not worth living. But leaven your thinking with action--if you're unhappy, move. Change jobs. Join the Peace Corps. Whatever. But you've got to face your fear.

...but isn't this every letter in here? Not that I'm unsympathetic or disinterested. It's just sort of strange that this sort of thing always makes it into the column.

I wonder if Cary just receives letters similar to this all the time and has to answer some of them. Maybe he doesn't get more conventional, I hate my in laws kinds of letters? If so I wonder what that says about Salon's readership.

As far as the letter itself-- I'm almost thirty! can easily be seen as You're not even thirty! You have tons of time to figure out what you want to do. Just don't get up in where you are "supposed" to be in your life. You aren't "supposed" to be anywhere.

Dear LW - I mean the dear because I find it entirely worthy of affection that you have asked for help so articulately, and with such exquisite moderation in the face of such despair. It sounds like you're trying hard too. All I can do is add my voice to that which said leaven thought with action. Specifically - getting fit. I mean getting fit to the point of obsession.

Whenever I don't know what to do with my life - which is often - getting fit is a great place to start. For a start it necessarily IS movement. Somehow running in one place on a machine provides relief from that feeling of getting nowhere (even though the symbolic possibilities are scary don't allow it to symbolise anything - just run!). It necessarily does challenge you, it takes you to the limit of yourself - even if just for twenty minutes a day - and will create a sense of change and progress in your life.

Exercise - both cardio and weights - DAILY - for eight weeks and then refer back to your original problem. I bet you something will either have suggested itself to you by then or at least you'll be feeling much more positive and optimistic about life.

I agree with Cary entirely. All LW's statements of misery and loss of self worth are so definitive ( I see lots of "I ams" and " I am nots") that LW is a perfect candidate for cognitive behavior therapy (CBT); which is basically self-thought reprogramming. 10 years-literally 10 years- of therapy didnt do one-tenth as much as a CBT book called Feeling Good by David Burns did for me. You can probably buy it from Amazon for $5, including shipping. Trust that it will be the best money you've ever spent.

oh, and to Carrie: yes. Call and ask for a doctor who works in cognitive therapy. Better yet, buy the book I mention above and save yourself loads of dough, but make sure your daughter is in for the ride as well. CBT is entirely about coping skills and not at all about psychoanalyzing.

Funny how we make judgments like these in the absence of real information.

Although I don't doubt the benefits of cognitive therapy, Cary's answer comes across as somewhat of a kneejerk reaction. While the LW is deciding whether to begin another round of therapy, he or she should have some other options to consider. I think the suggestion of regular exercise is a good one. Exercise gets a person out of his head, and leaves one with the basic satisfaction of having done something good for oneself at the end.

I think it's also important at some point to "go through the motions" of living the life one wants to lead, even when one feels incapable of leading that life. Often, if you keep it up long enough, you might realize at some point that you're not going through the motions anymore. Much like the moment that your mom or dad let go of the bike, and you turned around and realized you were riding all on your own.