asshole and shove your pointed head up a deep dark place and loose any semblance of common courtesy or consideration for others. It's called being a fucking adult.

This was a great answer from Cary even though his original was lost. The LW doesn't know what is going on because he is living so far away.

One possibilility:

If the LW himself doesn't have a spouse then he may not realize that a fundamental shift takes place when a person gets married. The couple become their first priority and they are now a family. The original families do indeed take a backseat. And when children arrive, the new family often becomes closer to the wife's family instead of to the husband's. Look at it this way: the new mom is usually the one who takes care of the kids and she will naturally look toward her own parents as the default babysitters, not necessarily out of a dislike for the in-laws (although that can certainly happen!) but simply because she is more comfortable with her own parents. She's the one with the kids most of the time so she makes the decisions as to who their caregivers are. Who else would she naturally pick but her own parents as the safest bet?

An additional possibility:

One other thought that crossed my mind was that perhaps the LW's brother and wife are having marital trouble. That could explain the mother's day mixup. I can imagine them getting into a big fight on Mother's Day morning when LW's bro announces that he forgot to even buy a card, the wife gets all pissed, they start arguing, and before you know it half the day has gone by with them being so mad at each other that they don't realize that nobody has called the MIL to cancel. And really, what would they tell her, being how polite they are? "Hi mother-in-law, I'm fighting with your precious son right now so looks like we won't be coming over."

Also, isn't it tacky for a guy to expect his wife, mother of his young kids, to go over to his mom's house on mother's day?!

Some responses to this letter are strange (including Cary's!). The LW gave a really clear example of total assholish behavior on the part of the brother (not showing up after making plans for mother's day!!). I would have to say that that has gravity, that one event. In some responses, there's this kind of hip psychological jargon thrown around--boundaries, triangulation, healthy communication....man. You know, how about some inter-generational respect? How about remembering that John Bradshaw and the dysfunctional family are not buzz-words for this mother?

To weepingwillow who called the mother a WHINER? Can she not be truthful to the daughter because she feels more comfortable. Sorry, is there something impicitly suspect about not being able to express hurt openly to the person whom you feel hurt by?

Or could it be that this person NEEDS the daughter's help, indeed is just not capable with her social conditioning to ask for it. Sorry, the brother needs to be told by whoever is capable in a non-blaming way, how people feel when he does what he does. And if the daughter is capable and cares about her mother, she is not in the middle if she herself chooses the course of action.

This preserve family relationships at all costs bears to me, a really stark resemblance to ENABLING. And considering Cary is an ex-alcoholic, I find it kind of shocking. This guy sounds like an insensitive oaf who needs to hear the truth from the wider sphere of people outside of his micro-world of me and my favorite peeps (my wife, kids and her family). Where does this totally preservationist-not-rock-the-boat and go-with-the-good that's-already-there come from? I know! I know! It's fear! About the worst foundation for a relationship, family or otherwise that I could imagine!!!!

My mother is entrenched in Southern culture. She believes that you should always be polite, despite the circumstances. So she never says anything to my brother. Instead, she voices her hurt and anger to me.

Ditto on all that triangulation advice!

When I am working on something for my boss and accidentally lose the document due to my own absent-mindedness, I have to start all over again and re-do the work. My boss prefers that I keep my excuses to myself.

Cary,

I don't know what you're using, but most word processors have some sort of auto-save function. If this was on, and it is normally, you should have gotten the document back when next you opened the program. If you have turned it off, go turn it back on. It doesn't always recover everything, but it usually recovers most and takes virtually no HD space.

And at the very least, just click Save when you stand up to walk away and putter.

Your mom's triangulating, trying to either pull you in on her behalf and against your brother or trying perhaps to entice you to speak to your brother on her behalf behind the scenes. You might find it helpful to read "The Dance of Anger"--I forget the author's name--which deals with such issues.

My mother used to pull this routine on me and my brother all the time...til he and I spoke and we mutually agreed not to play Mom's game. If she told him something negative about me, he'd advise her to speak with me directly...and wouldn't run off and tell me. I did the same for him. It's actually worked out very well. Mom is less inclined to do this these days--and my brother and I have kept our boundaries and communciations healthy.

Also, my brother and I have what can be a brutually frank relationship--we always know where we stand with each other. In the end, we're each others' biggest supporters, perhaps outside of our respective spouses. No, we don't come from a highly confrontational background. We just resolved years back to be more loving and healthier toward each other than our mom is with her brother or was with our dad.