I think you should be selfish with this one and not set out to be a 'hero' just because you think that is what is expected of you.

Earlier this year I met a man who I really thought was The One. He seemed warm, sensitive, smart, kind etc. We were together a few months. Then one day he told me had something to tell me. Turned out he had checked out of a two week stay in a mental hospital just days before we met! He was in there because he had been threatening suicide. He turned to me and said, "so, what are your thoughts on suicide?" He went on to try to convince me that suicide was a good idea. When I told him I wasn't sure our relationship was gonna work out, based on what he had just told me, he went berserk and I was afraid of him for the first time ever.

From there, his mental health seemed to deteriorate. He'd tell stories of abuse, of childhood poverty, of parental neglect and of psychological trauma. Turned out not much of what he was telling me was true. He wallowed in self pity to the point where he could not be there for me AT ALL. If I told him I was feeling ill or stressed instead of listening, he'd have to somehow compete and claim he was feeling more ill, more stressed and that I had no idea of the "hell" he lived in.

So, he was mentally ill. I think he was Borderline or Bipolar. He had episodes of manic grandiosity where he'd seem to be full of self confidence and he'd spend money like crazy and want sex several times a day. These episodes would be followed by times where he'd cry for no reason at all, not want sex or be able to get it up and talk about suicide and scold me for seeming such an upbeat person.

I wanted out. He guilt-tripped me. He started to blame me for his illness. He'd say it was my fault for not speaking to him "in a soothing and gentle enough tone." He'd call me in the middle of the night and pretty much order me to go over to his home to console him. He'd tell me that I wasn't doing enough to bolster his broken self esteem. He required me to pay him compliments to try to repair his zero-level self worth.

Bottom line was, is - I went into a relationship with a man who appeared then to be stable, ambitious and sane. I didnt' choose to be a therapist and nurse to a deeply ill, broken man. Once I realized I was with such a sick man, I could have decided I wanted to stay and help heal him. But I didn't want to. I wanted a relationship in which I am an equal. It's fine to want that.

I found this thread because I'm in a similar situation and deciding whether to stay with a cancer patient.

In my case the woman was not a good partner, she manipulated me and abused my trust for several years. We broke up last year but I took her back thinking it would be temporary (dating only, not living together). Now this diagnosis ...

I'll probably dump her, I recently met someone younger & healthier. I may wait until family can fly in for primary support. From other posters it looks like I can expect some backlash!

The LW's history & outlook is totally different, I'd respect him for staying but wouldn't blame him for making a fresh start. Its up to him.

"NO" you should not stay with her. To much bullshit.

I have a story to share as well.

My fiance's cousin was diagnosed with cancer. His wife couldn't deal with it and promptly left him - and found another man within weeks of departing his doorstep. He passed away before the divorce papers were finalized. But that wasn't the worst thing.

She had the gall to hassle his mother for monies she felt she was entitled to, whilst having shacked up with her latest Mr. Bad Boy.

The truth is that at times it's a very evil world that we live in. Where we have people who'll only stick around so long as the going is good, life is easy, and income is flowing in with minimal work on their part.

As for the LW, the right thing to do is to stand by her, help her, and let's just see what happens in the future. Don't think too much about it. You might realize that, in the midst of helping her heal, there's a sense of satisfaction and strength that develops in you from within. You will have to acknowledge the possibilities though - maybe once she's back up on her feet and well, she'll throw her arms around you and ask you to marry her. Or maybe she'll have a revelation that life is too short and bid you farewell, yup thanks for everything, and walk out the hospital doors - not looking back.

Oh really. Shame on you. What if the shoe was on other foot. Would you expect her to leave you and find a new boyfriend? Maybe she is lucky even after she got cancer because she might find your true colors.

Nothing I've read in these posts changes what I believed when I wrote my original post on this. To leave someone you profess to love when they are ill, in fact because they are ill, is morally repulsive. Anyone who wrote advocating this decision should be deeply ashamed. I read this stuff and just shake my head and wonder where we are as a society that the answer to this 30 year old wasn't universally to tell him to grow up and act like a human being.

Re your post some pages back:

As evidenced by the breadth of these responses (minus the trolls), it's surely a great mistake to assume that everyone's experience will be consistent. Individuals, relationships and circumstances vary widely. Clearly, some relationships fall completely apart, and some would have been better off abandoned even earlier. Just as clearly, those that hold together differ. Most of us do the best we can. I wouldn't presume to assess whether anyone else's relationship, including yours, was made better or worse by the struggle. I do feel competent, however, to judge my own marriage.