Somewhere in my teens I figured out that those boxes you think the world fits into are a figment of your own imagination. Are you telling me the LW is almost 40 and hasn't figured out that some 30-something dads like to talk about 401K's but there are those who don't? Or that there isn't just one definition of husband? I guess some people have an easier time of fitting in with the crowd than others, but certainly by age 40 you've realized that a majority of the people feel they don't fit in. And they are often the interesting people...

Being a father is not something you slip on and off like a robe. Nor is husband, for that matter. They're choices you made. Now stop your whining and get back in the box. If you're not enjoying baing a father and husband, do your children and wife a favor and get out of their lives.

is your wife's.

And as often as makes her happy, because if mommy ain't happy, nobody's happy. That's all you need to know.

Grow up, stop listening to people so much and form your ideas

Every day's letter sinks lower than the day before.

...he wants to be reassured of his unique place in the universe. He wants someone to tell him that of course he doesn't fit into those boxes because he's too special of a person, too much of an individual, that he's better than all of the people who he thinks fit the boxes. (The fact that they probably don't fit either doesn't seem to have occurred to him. Hint to the LW: approximately 99% of the human race feels like they don't fit in in one capacity or another.)

So here you go: yes, LW, you are a unique, precious, wonderful snowflake. Fly, butterfly, be free! You're special! Do you feel better now?

I have to echo MCB. What are you, sixteen? Live your life how you want to and stop looking for approval. Christ.

The letter sounds a bit like the LW saying "Help! I'm too unique and individual for all the people around me! I reject *them* as friend material for being boring and predictable (as people in boxes are wont to be) but hey, how dare they reject *me*!"

I bet the LW thought Cary would say "Bravo for being a lone voice lifted to the stars, straining against the average and the ordinary, seeking to find and express in you what is divine!" Or something.

The box metaphor is too tortured for me to think the LW really embraces it. Who willingly climbs into a box? Who really sees themselves living out his/her live happily in a box?

The LW strikes me as lonely and feels unappreciated. Doesn't he *do* anything? I mean, like read, or write, or go hear live music, or take an interest in the arts? There are lots of ways to meet people with whom you share things in common. And a stroll around any neighborhood 'box' will show you that there are as many exceptions to the rules you believed that box followed as not. Sure, it's easy to dismiss people based on your stereotype. If I go down to the Marina I expect to see a certain 'type' there, and guess what, I do. But if I focus on seeing people that don't fit the typology, well, suddenly the crowd looks decidedly different.

People tend to sense how you feel about them and act accordingly. If none of the people want you to join their 'boxes' its not because they are lacking, necessarily, but because they sense the LW's condescension in joining them in a box he doesn't find all that interesting.

I agree with Cary - stop thinking about boxes. If you're lonely, fess up that it's your problem, not anyone (much less every one) else's. Only then can you do anything meaningful to address the situation.

Letter Writer,

I sincerely doubt there are many people who feel like they fit in a box called married, employed, parent, etc. Everyone feels more complicated and nuanced then a label.

Sounds to me like you need a friend or two -- the kind where you might sit and tell your friend your theory about the boxes and he might reply, "Nah, the way I see it is..."

I'd be curious to know what other readers think, but my observation is that men seem to have a harder time than women finding good friends. Many men I know have very old friendships -- a high-school or college buddy who is still the closest friend 30 years later. They found one guy and that's enough. Many men I know have lots of women friends but no real men friends.

I had a male friend once who did group therapy with a group that was all men -- his reason for trying it was similar to what you are describing: not feeling like he belonged to any "type" of man, not knowing how to be in the company of others. His father had died when he was young, so he had few male models. I think the men's group was a very enlightening experience for him. He learned that the successful shop owner was unsure about having children, that the handsome athlete had a drug problem, that the fisherman wanted to be an artist. Actually, I'm just guessing about the particulars because he was very honorable about not revealing the others' concerns to me.

In essence, what he learned was the power that comes from shared confidences with people you trust.

We are creatures of need. Need is our catalyst for change. Sounds to me like what you need is a person with whom or context in which you can be your messy ill-defined self. You create your reality. Find a friend.

LW--you're a narcissist. Look it up. Cure it now. Or you'll be a divorced, bitter, looney old coot living on cat food before you know it.

Try your local day care, I am sure you can find some whiners there to relate to.