Letters to the Editor
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Therapy--hard but worth it
My heart really goes out to you. I think it's insightful and courageous that you realize that you're half-present and how that fact links to your mother's death. That's further than many people ever get.
My own mother died when I was 23, which was 20 years ago, and I have to tell you that despite years of therapy, I still have my moments with it. Sometimes I think most of my anger at everything on earth goes back to that one issue. Anger at God for having let such a wonderful human being suffer so much, then die. Anger at the way my remaining relatives "handled" the situation (like you, they basically just left me alone and never even mentioned that she existed!). Anger at myself for not being able to save her life (this point alone took me YEARS to come to terms with). And anger at her for getting sick and abandoning me so young. Then there's the sadness, grief, loneliness, despair, etc., on top of all that. If it's hard for a 43 year old to deal after huge amounts of therapy, how do you think a 16 year old with seemingly no support system, professional or otherwise, is going to feel? You were a child, not a fuck up! You lost your MOTHER, the hardest loss of all, especially for one so young. Obviously, you've got a huge reservoir of grief, and I so encourage you to take Cary's advice and talk to someone skilled in grief issues. It's a very difficult path, but you do sound like you're ready to go there. Trust me, it will make a HUGE difference in your quality of life and ability to live in the present. It will hurt like hell, but will be the best thing you've ever done for yourself--not to mention your wife, kids?, co-workers, and creative ambitions. And you'll probably feel a lot freer, more energetic, and understood in ways you haven't been since your mom was there to take care of you.
You might also wish to check out some books on the topic of losing one's parents early. I know there's one called "Motherless Daughters," which is quite good, gender aside. Perhaps someone else can suggest something targeted more toward guys?
I sincerely wish you the very best in taking the next step.
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History of individuals
In light of the recent discussion on introverted and extroverted people, this letter made me think about how labeling cannot really describe a person's personality. Life's experience influence what we become as adults just as much as innate character, such as introversion.
The benefits of finding an acronym which best defines one's personality is to be able to seek out ways of dealing with life's difficulties that have worked for people with a similar personality. My mother died when I was 14. As an introvert, I am able to float through life without harming anyone. I am married to an introvert who does not complain if I am not "present". I think a lot of research has been done on fatherless kids because (statistically) the extroverted kids from these backgrounds turn to crime. Society is forced to try and figure out how to help them. But the symptoms are different for introverts, like failed relationships and not being "present" ( a new term for me which I find interesting description).
Still, is there really a "cure"? Does learning to deal with something really help? The older I get, the more I suspect that I am not going to change, no matter how much I understand my psychology. The only thing I can do is prevent this from happening to my kids. My biggest fear is dying before they become adults. This is one thing I have little control over and no amount of therapy will remove it. And I won't be there to help them through it. Just my husband, who, as an introvert, will not know how to deal with it and will be unable to help them.
Big sigh...
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Yes, get help
I married a man who lost his Mom when he was about 6. I'm sure he was a bright, sensitive type anyways, but he seemed like he was always running on empty, keeping everything calm and organized, never too excited or passionate about anything - just existing. I thought I could "help" him, but alas, I had issues of my own and I just ended up frustrated and mad and divorcing him. He's chugging along still.
He's an awfully nice guy but I'm sure that if he had taken that scary route to the therapist's office, his life would be better and that he'd feel better about himself.
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Did I write this?
I kept wondering if I wrote this letter. My dad killed himself when I was 10, and I kind of stopped developing emotionally then. Of course, there was no therapy, or any sort of coping assistance from my mother- she was in her own world of grief. It's been 22 years since he died, and I started therapy 2 years ago, to really deal with it. Going to therapy sucks, but it is helping. The bad news is that it probably hurts worse to grieve later on in life. The good news is that it is possible to grieve, and to move on.
Good luck.
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Sounds like me
I lost my father at 16 and my mom and relatives basically just let me be and so he simply "disappeared" from our lives. I floated in depression for a year and then somewhat came out of it. I have been dealing with his death ever since, more than 25 years. I got through college and the next years, feeling alive at times, but somehow not. It took me until I was about 30 to realize that my primary problem in life was that I had never greived for my dad and I was still carrying the pain of suddenly losing him (never even got to say goodbye). I didn't allow myself to cry at the funeral or later because I thought I would never stop. And then it just became a dead hole inside me for years, something missing that I never realized was missing. I'm an introvert also, so it was easier for me to quietly glide along.
My sister died a few months ago, and I DID grieve her because I learned my lesson about grief and now I know that I can face it and that faces it is a fantastic process of healing and recovery. However, dealing with losing my sister has finally brought up the huge issue I've been avoiding all these years: My anger toward my mother. We all have little angers toward our parents, and as we mature, we forgive them for their human faults. But I have a large anger toward my mother because she swept my dad away and did nothing to help me grieve. (Of course, she didn't know what to do, and I can forgive her, but now I need to deal with this anger.) I've been gathering bits and pieces of memories and making a coherant picture of "what happened" in my childhood and those years around dad's death. Sadly, at 43 I now have to work back through all this. I hope to come out healed on the other side, but I feel sad that my life might have had more to it if I hadn't been numbed by grief for so long. I think of how I might have had energy, dedication, and ambition in my college years rather than seeking ways to numb the pain or avoid it. I hope that more people will seek grief counseling and heal rather than carry on dazed by pain and loss.