Letters to the Editor
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Cary, you got it right.
A kind and compassionate response. LW will never regret contacting his brother; at some point, he would deeply regret not contacting him. Younger brother is also grieving his father's death, and maybe feeling the older brother locked him out of the process of dealing with it. As a younger sister, I know that older siblings, in stepping up to the plate as they think their role requires, can unintentionally make younger sibs feel very left out of adult resplnsibilities related to their parents.
Anyway, LW, the older you get, the more important your brother will become to you. Good luck and enjoy your baby and wife. Life will only get better.
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Writing him off is not necessarily the worst thing in the world
I also have an extremely immature younger brother who is almost 40, thinks he's a genius although he has only done manual labor throughout his life, and can turn any conversational topic around to himself. (I know manual labor doesn't mean you're dumb, but If I were brilliant, 40 and putting up siding in all weather, I'd turn that genius to an indoor job). I refer to him as the world's most grizzled three-year-old. After an evening that culminated in his being extremely verbally abusive to me, I have written him off for all practical purposes, and have never looked back. I miss his wife though.
The LW's comments make me think that the brother is not interested or knowledgeable about the LW's life at all, and the brother assumes that the LW will make all the moves. If the brother is fun and interesting once you get him there, or is kind and compassionate once he realizes how stressful the life of a new dad can be, then it might be worth working through things. But if every interaction with the brother is negative and makes the LW furious, is it really worth that expenditure of time and emotional energy? It might not be. If not, maybe check in with the brother a year from now to see how things are. You don't have to enjoy someone's company just because he is your brother.
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Oh yes! Been there
I think you can love your brother and continue to reach out to him while at the same time writing him off to the extent that you decide to not take his complaints seriously. I call this having the relationship on Your Terms rather than his. I've done this with all of my family members and it's worked well.
Practically it means that, after careful consideration, you decide that his terms are neither reasonable nor rational. Nor will they lead to a good relationship because they don't take into account your life or your needs. Having concluded this you no longer have to take his complaints seriously. When forced to listen to them run over what groceries you need to pick up from the store next you're there.
Your Terms might include the following: genuinely caring about what's going on with him and phoning or writing on a regular basis to give him your news and ask about his. Enjoying one another's company as much as possible when you are together. This means if you get on better while watching a video or sports rather than sitting down face to face, do that. Send a christmas or birthday present every year (I'm not organised enough to manage both) and phone on his birthhday. Be honest about your life but don't expect anything from him. If you don't have time to return a call or meet his demands then just don't. No need to feel guilty. If he asks about why you haven't then simply explain. You have needs and you need to meet them. However, let him know you love him. Just because it's not love on his terms doesn't mean it's not love. Let him know he will always have a bed at your house and that you will do anything to help him in an emergency. And that's it. Those to me are the foundations of familial love.
It's a shame you're not close friends and don't have a relationship based on intimacy, equality and trust. But to someone like me with my family history that would be incredible if you did. And I don't think it's especially sad that you don't. What are the chances? I know I know some people do but I am always amazed when I hear it. That kind of a relationship is called friendship. The one you have with your brother is called Family. Both important, and really different.
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so cool it, but not permanently
There’s a difference between not seeing your brother in the aftermath of a big fight or other nastiness, and not seeing your brother because he lives 3000 miles away from you. The former is awful. The latter may be just the ticket for calming the hurt feelings you both seem to have over relative trivialities.
It is always tempting to say “he’s acting childish, to hell with him, I’m cutting him out of my life.” I confess that I did that once, 15 years ago, with my immature younger brother, for more than a year. He lived in NYC, I live 1000 miles away but went there frequently on business, and I never called him. It spared me the opportunity to get pissed off at the childish and hurtful way he treated me, and it was a godsend to my sanity. Eventually he grew up, got married, had a child and now is a far nicer person to be around.
BUT there’s a big difference between what I did to my brother and what you are facing now. The difference is that our parents are still alive, and your father has just died. If you quit talking to your brother and your parents are there to hold the family together, you’re still indirectly in touch. If something good or bad happens to one of you, the other one will find out promptly. But if your parents aren’t there, and you quit talking to your brother, you run a huge risk that the rift will become irreparable. This happened to a good friend of mine, and he isn’t even sure whether his brother is still married or what the grown nephews and nieces are up to. It is a very sad situation.
Do not let your brother leave the country without trying to get together. Even with a 2-year-old, a job and a mortgage you can surely get away for an evening to have a farewell dinner. And once he’s in Europe, make a point of sending emails whenever you can, to stay in touch. With any luck, you will both have the opportunity to reflect in tranquility about what it means to be on good terms with one’s brother. And with any luck, when he moves back he will be more mature and you will be less stressed out and you can build a new relationship in which you both treat each other with respect and love.
PS -- having a mortgage is not a valid reason to stop seeing your friends and family. If it were, then a vast proportion of the American populace would be hermits. You need to figure out a way to handle your stresses and obligations a little more effectively. I will not presume to prescribe marriage counseling or grief counseling or financial counseling or anything else, because you have barely hinted at why you are feeling so overwhelmed. But approaching or entering your 40s you should be feeling more comfortable in your own life. Whatever is wrong, see if you can improve it.