not Peace Corp. Sorry to be pedantic, but that drives me nuts.

They're mostly tradition and something to satisfy the parents. That is, unless you believe that some god upstairs writes the husband & wife's names in a book and seals them for eternity.

Sometimes marriages don't work out. To stay together because of some magic words spoken at a ceremony is dumb.

I've been sitting here skimming the letters thinking the exact same thing: There's a guy.

I know. I know. I don't know the situation, and it's not fair to make assumptions here. Still, I think there's an overseas guy. Maybe she hasn't been unfaithful in the strictest sense yet, but if I let my imagination run away with me only a very litle bit ... I bet this overseas guy is, in the immortal words of Billy Joel, "an angry young man," who is earnestly pushing the idea of noble work overseas.

Not that the Peace Corps isn't wonderful. In fact, I think it's amazing and a great experience for anyone who joins up.

But, and I sort of hate to say it, because I sound like I'm being prejudiced towards here because of her age but, but she's in her early twenties. She's overseas. She's probably impressionable and enthusiastic. And, I think there's a guy she's fallen for, who embodies all those adventurous things she wants to try.

She probably isn't even admitting to herself yet. She is telling herself that they are just friends.

However, I'm probably not helping the LW by saying this stuff, which is completely speculative.

To return to what we DO know: Well, the best thing I think would be counseling. A good counselor would, most likely, get to the bottom of it fairly quickly, one way or another. But, sadly, if there is a guy, most likely with all the stupid drama of it all, which she very well may enjoy. Ah, how quickly drama gets old when you get old.

I really liked the post that predicted a whole course of future events in which he supported her through graduate school, etc., until she finally broke it off 10 years later.

Except that I don't think it will play out even that well. I've got bad news for the LW. This woman does not love you, otherwise she would not be willing to contemplate a 2 year separation in this way. If she goes, and you stay behind, she will inevitably find someone else over there who "shares her passions". If she goes, and you follow, she will still find someone else, and you will be there to witness it.

In fact, I would not be at all surprised if, during this present separation due to her internship, she is already exploring an alternative "deep personal relationship" with someone else right now, as part of her "quest for fufillment". As you say, if she didn't tell you about the Peace Corp thing, what else is she not telling you about? I bet a lot of things you don't want to know. You should ask her. You see, no matter how she dresses it all up in altruism and concern for others, in the end it is all about her with this kind of woman. She will always find a way to justify what she does.

My advice: spill your guts to her about how you feel, and issue an ultimatum. Either no separation, or no relationship. You can never lose by spilling your guts to your woman; you only lose by holding your feelings back (which a lot of men do). If she is unmoved, if the Peace Corps is that much more important to her than you, pull the plug. It means you don't have a real relationship with her anyway.

Hi. I'm always slagging Cary's advice, so I thought I'd post that he's right on the money this time.

I'm sure he'll be thrilled to know.

I cannot believe that I am the first in some 80+ messages to suggest that the LW's wife is being influenced by and responding to A Man with whom she is fraternizing in the country of her internship. She is hoping against hope that her "husband" will "let her go" into the Peace Corps by divorcing her. Or maybe he could come too (quirky, difficult, Who Knows What Would Happen) and things would, like, you know, resolve themselves. Eventually. With all kinds of drama and stuff.

Keritha

For those of you who blindly run to the maiden's side, and casting every thing the LW said aside, let me remind you this:

- Had he still worked at the crappy job, he would have went right along with her.

- She made her marriage vows. So did he. Are those not to be taken seriously? Maybe it's de rigeur to forget them, the moment you suddenly feel like going to the PC. Once you marry, that's that. Now it's adult world, adult responsibilies kick in. No more are you free as a bird.

- She sounds very juvenile to think that he should just drop everything to go with her. What about the bills? What about the possessions? Who's going to watch the house/apartment/foot the rent? What about paying taxes while you are gone? You're not exempt from the taxman just because your feet don't trod the same soil. What about life insurance? Travel insurance? Those all cost $$$, ya know. If she had those big dreams, she should have satisfied those FIRST, before hunkering down into a marriage.

- He's in a job he loves. She's unemployed, correct? To dump the job that he loves, and along with it, any hope of career advancement and the climb up the corporate ladder? That's really really asking a lot.

No, it's not necessarily settling to pick one suitable mate over another. All I said was that I think it's settling to get married without being in love. Whether or not you're in live or not is of course a subjective determination and no one can decide for you.

All the people who write in about how great and stable marriage is without love crack me up. At least be honest with yourselves!