I would have to disagree with Cary here and say yes, DO go to a marriage counselor. Because I'm seeing the problem as communication, and communication is going to be crucial as both parties, still now in their 20s, try to figure out who they are. They need to be able to stay in touch with each other as they grow and change, so they can articulate how best to support each other. Yes, compromise will figure into a solution; but first they need to know and respect why they are compromising, and I'm not sure they're there yet.

The wife was accepted into the Peace Corps previously and so we infer she's dreamed for some time of doing philanthropic work overseas. For some reason before they married she was unable to articulate this desire in a way her partner could hear; why is that? Is she dishonest, mercurial in her goals, scared of displeasing him? Or has the husband maybe been inattentive to hints or outright discussion in the past?

And then, as he said in the letter, what else is she dreaming that he may not know about? To which I'll add: What is he dreaming that she may not know about? Both parties need to examine honestly what they want from life, and then they must find a way to discuss those goals face to face without assigning blame or making accusations. As "kathy in KY" pointed out, the wife's Peace Corps fixation could be based in any number of desires ... a genuine desire to help people, a desire for personal growth through exotic travel, a means of living abroad ... she needs to cull out the motivation and articulate it. Similarly, the husband needs to articulate what specifically makes his job so singularly great -- the location, the work itself, his colleagues, the pay? Does he want to own a house by age 30, save up and return to school later, enjoy the arts, sustain friendships he's established, father children? What is truly important, and what are the assumptions that maybe need to be reexamined? Maybe he assumes his line of work isn't portable; maybe she assumes other opportunities won't draw on her skills like the Peace Corps will.

I can see how this conversation would be difficult to have without either party passing judgment. Indeed, the very notion of having so much choice and freedom may now seem outrageous to the wife, who has been confronted with shocking poverty; to her, the husband's goals may seem banal and materialistic. At the same time, the husband is bewildered by his wife's ability to commit to a cause over a life with him; to him, the wife's goals may seem, paradoxically, selfish. Who is she really? Who is he really? And what if those two identities clash? That's why I'm suggesting talking in person and in the presence of a neutral third party who can tease out the substance and calm the recriminations that are sure to arise. If they can get to the substance, maybe they'll find a mutual compromise that fulfills what's really important to each of them; maybe not, but at least they'll part knowing they earnestly and completely heard each other.

Perhaps one question that both partners need to consider is whether the wife is running toward the Peace Corp/helping in 3rd-World countries or running away from something (marriage? the relationship with the LW? growing up? responsibility?)

All couples who are in their early 20s and think they want to get married should have to read this letter. This is a shining example of what happens when you get married before you have opened your eyes and explored the world.

You think, hey, I've been with this person for 4, 5 years. Let's get married! But you are 23, 24, 25, maybe you have never lived alone in your life. You have no idea who you are. You have hitched your life to your partner's, in most cases, and it's all about "we." Everyone, and I mean, everyone, needs to know what it is like to live life as an "I" before they chose to live it as a "we." It is difficult, if not impossible, to know who you are at such an early age. Perhaps you are just playing a role to keep him or her, to fit in, etc. You cannot make a commitment to spend your life with another person until you know what "your life" is all about.

The LW's wife did not take her vows seriously. Once you get married, living a solitude life of adventure is not exactly a door that opens. Furthermore, the LW says he knows she applied and was accepted to the Peace Corps before. Did he think this was an idea she had that would just go away because she was married to him? Come on! This marriage is done. She had other desires and interests incompatible with marriage, yet went ahead with it. He had doubts and ignored them. File the papers and move on before kids enter the equation.

Hmmm... Is Cary or the LW dismissing the seriousness of this marriage because they were married young? i.e., Is this being chalked up to a starter marriage with an easy-out clause? I wonder if the advice would be the same if these two people were in their 40s. What presumptions regarding young marriage are operating here?

Regardless of age, if LW and his wife have decided that this is it - this is the one they want to be with forever, then how can LW say 'no, I won't wait for you'? If LW and his wife have decided that this is it - this is the one they want to be with forever, THEN WHAT WOULD LW BE SACRIFICING BY WAITING? Sex? Companionship? Many people are single and celibate for two years at a time. And if you're really in love, then chances are it will take at least 2 years to be able to get over her and move on! Only to find you're single again and looking for someone just like her...

Marriage is common, but finding a partner you truly love in life is hard and rare. If this is what you have, then (well, i hate to say it but you probably wouldn't be asking this question, but if it is, then) how can you throw it away? If you can see yourself throwing it away then maybe it's time to examine your marriage.

And Cary, in light of your advice and view of marriage as so disposable, not to pry but I'd question whether you're really in love as well.