I got married right out of college to a woman who left six months later for a year of studying abroad in college. Let me tell you, that was the worst year of my life. The early years of marriage can be difficult enough without dealing with all the strain that distance (and timezones) can put on your life.

As for the plan to, I can't remember the term, but it was basically to put the marriage on hold...my experience says its a bad idea. My 1st wife floated the "we're together when we're together" idea, and I nixed it. I don't think the uncertainty of wondering what the other one is up to would do anything but add more stress on your life.

I hope the writer and his wife can work this out where she doesn't go. But if not, I think "goodbye" will be the safest bet for both of them. But if she does go, and you aren't saying goodbye, then don't put conditions on your marriage. Give it your best shot, and if it doesn't work you didn't lose anything you wouldn't have lost if you took the "lets call this off and see how we feel when you get back" route.

Best of Luck,

daymen

Both of you going into Peace Corps is not a realistic option. Peace Corps may want her, but they won’t want you. My wife and I spent 12 of the last 18 months being jerked around by the Peace Corps. We applied and wished to serve, but our recruitment agent had absolutely no interest in actually trying to help us land a position or identify ways in which we would be more attractive candidates. I am a Bankruptcy Attorney with 5+ years prior experience working in/around state government. My wife is a public policy analyst with comparable experience. We didn’t grow up on the farm, and we aren’t currently teaching aids awareness classes or English as a second language. Accordingly, we were told we have nothing to offer them (apparently complex commercial restructuring, negotiations and litigation involving small to mid-size businesses doesn’t qualify as “business experience”).

Further, even if you do have the skills they want, joint assignments are severely limited, both in number and geographical ability. The likelihood that you can land something is extremely small, unless you are willing to i) quit and become a full-time unpaid volunteer (now – not just when you join) and ii) wait a couple years until they can find two positions in the same place that match your skill-sets under their extremely limited definitions. Bottom line – it won’t happen.

Finally, speaking as a husband, remember that resentments flow both ways. Your wife will likely resent you if you hold her back from realizing her dream. But do you seriously think you won’t resent her right back for your sacrifice? You have to include that as a realistic possible outcome. Men get just as angry at being screwed over by their selfish spouse as women do.

Unless she (and you) are both willing to make some compromise, I would say Cary is right – get out now, and don’t wait up. Admit that you’ve made a mistake and own up to it before anyone else (e.g. future kids) gets hurt by it too.

This marriage may be doomed, but look at what we know: She said she wants him to come with her, and, as someone already said, it's only fair to take that at face value. So essentially she's saying "Either we do what I want or we'll have to spend two years apart," while he's saying "Either we do what I want or I'll divorce you." Who's being more uncompromising and uncommitted here? Why are so many people assuming that his desire to keep his job is more reasonable than her desire to be in the Peace Corps? Her refusal to do what he wants would be no worse than his refusal to do what she wants. Plus, the wife isn't asking for a divorce, so she apparently believes it's possible that their marriage can survive two years apart, but he doesn't think so. Sounds to me like she takes the marriage more seriously than he does. When two spouses want different things, that means one or both of them has to make a sacrifice, and I don't see the LW willing to sacrifice anything at all here.

I think the correct term for these types of nation states/societies is "technologically simple."

Thanks.

I agree with Bug that marriage is pretty freaky, especially at first, especially if you married relatively late (like age 28). I remember sometimes just sitting and staring at my wedding for minutes on end. The commitment of oneself to a marriage is a seriously scary thing. Twenty-two years later, though, I find myself gazing at the ring a lot less. Coincidentally, my wife and I are considering a potential overseas opportunity for her. My wife would love such an opportunity. I, not so much. But I'm confident we will work it out to everyone's benefit. I have no such confidence for WL and his wife. I agree with those who have observed that she has already moved on.

"I think the correct term for these types of nation states/societies is "technologically simple.""

The PC Police has finally arrived... what would we ever do without their idiocy and condescension?

Excellent advice from Cary.

They've been married for "slightly less than a year" and she's already spending several months abroad and might have goals centered on travel while his are not. This alone is a big enough difference to merit divorce, no fault, just not compatible.

It seems to me he's trying to respect his wife's desires (he calls them profound) while being shocked and upset by them. He may dislike or resent them, but he understands.

I intrepret "we...are aware we married younger than most people where we live" as hinting they had doubts from the start. He doesn't say all marraige at this age is bad, just maybe not for their group. Perhaps they assumed they were more mature, and not it seems they aren't.

For me, the key sentence is this: "But she told me that she has been thinking about doing this for a long time (since before we were married) but has only told me now, and honestly, that makes me wonder what else she is not telling me, or if there are other profound desires that she is suppressing."

To me this is someone who wants mutual happiness and respect and now face the burden of breaking a mutual impasse by letting her go.

While I understand the wife's position, she's got the good end of this crisis. She's expressing her desiers, he only gets to react to them.

I don't know if the goal is to make him come along or leave him for good, but choosint to confront things by long distance is selfish. It's probably not a conscious selfishness - few people get up and decide to torture their spouse from afar - but still. It's easy to say such things far away from the person and consequences in the middle of a romantic adventure.

To be honest, waiting two years is not a serious option. No matter how old you are it's too long to sacrifice sex, romance, ability to plan for the future, etc. for a person who might not come back. And this is 2 years of maintaining relationship with almost no physical contact and in two wildly divergent situations.

Those telling the LW to go with her don't consider economic reality. Few people can leave a career, home and social circle they like for two years and be certain of returning to the same. It's not like she seeking a job in a different city - it's the Peace Corps, a two year commitment to an uncertain assignement followed by an unknown future. This is the type of thing both partners have to really want to do, or it won't work.

Considering the one sided proposal, it seems unlikely she would work to make this a mutually acceptable - i.e. providing financial security and plan for return - nor allow this to be a condition of going. As several people have pointed out, the realities of the Peace Corps mean they may not take him and married PC members are put in an all or nothing position. So it's possible this is her passing reaction to the potential sacrifices of marraige by presenting a gigantic challenge to it - which may pass, but it sure is selfish.

If people are assuming the worst it's because it's those who suddenly decide to go on life changing journeys often leave their partners behind whether they mean to or not.

I think this ultimately this her decision - find a way to share her dreams with her partner or go it alone. Trying to shift it onto some Peace Corps decision is a dodge.