If the wife can be persuaded to spend longer than an overseas phone call to discuss this situation, it might be interesting to explore exactly what it is about the Peace Corps that she has been dreaming about. Various posters have glommed onto different aspects of that appeal but surely in her mind they don’t all have equal weight.

Does she want foreign travel and adventure? To help really poor and unfortunate people? As the first step in a foreign-service career? To get away from the banal materialism of American life? To carry out God’s commandments? As a face-saving excuse to get out of the marriage? To mark time while she figures out what to do when she grows up? To put off the difficult task of finding a job? Any of these reasons have probably led thousands of people to join the Peace Corps. Which one is motivating the wife could be a key to resolving the dilemma.

Perhaps if she can define her real reason, she could be persuaded to accept a compromise. If she’s really after adventure, then perhaps the husband could agree to take a year off at a specified future moment and they would take a trip around the world, wife to determine the itinerary. If she’s into helping poor people, then perhaps she could get equivalent fulfillment out of being a Vista volunteer in the US (plenty of poor and unfortunate people right here, sorry to say). If she wants to get away from banal materialism, then maybe they could move to a log cabin off the grid, still within a reasonable commute of his job. Et cetera.

If she’s unwilling to sit down and have such a discussion in person with her husband, this is a bad sign for the future of the marriage. If she’s unwilling or unable to articulate her motivations, that’s a clue that this “dream” is an adolescent fixation and she has not grown up enough to behave like an adult, which is a bad sign for the future of the marriage. If she does articulate her motivations but is unwilling to discuss any way of achieving them other than the Peace Corps, that’s a clue that she does not get the concept of compromise, which is also a bad sign for the future of the marriage. (If her motivation is to get out of the marriage, not a good sign either.)

I don't think either person is necessarily being demanding, presumptuous or disingenuous. Love and work are probably the two most important things in an individual's life, once you move beyond the bare necessities (and by work I mean not just mechanical, bill-paying drudgery, but rather a true vocation--something you love, something that you're good at, that allows you to express yourself in some way, that invigorates you rather than drains you). A location that enables you to be the person you want to be and do the things that (apart from love and work) make life worthwhile is a close third, in my book. If you can have all three, more power to you! If you can have two, you're still pretty damn lucky. But if you have to choose between them, it can be a rough deal. It sounds like the LW and his wife are both in this situation, albeit with conflicting needs/desires.

A number of folks advocated that the LW go along with his wife for the experience, adventure, personal growth, etc., implying that his reservations are probably just a function of some premature conservatism that he will later regret. Could be. But bear in mind, the Peace Corps stint (wherever it is) seems to be what his wife wants, not him. It's her project, her passion, her vocation. That's great for her, but maybe not so great for him. While I'm just as gung-ho about world travel and new experiences as the next person (not to mention supporting one's spouse, helping people out, etc.), few things can be more stifling and frustrating than living one's life on the periphery of another's--even someone you love, even when they are doing interesting, important things. To live on the periphery of another person's life is essentially to be killing time (and it sounds like this is what the LW's wife would be doing as well if she "postponed" the PC stint). I don't know how to describe the effects of such waiting other than to say that they are enfeebling and depressing in the broadest sense of the term. The LW's got to have his own projects and live his own life, and the same goes for his wife; neither can simply be a prop in the other's life.

If they can work out some mutually agreeable course of action, great. If not, I say no blame or guilt; they should go their own ways and pursue their respective vocations--at least temporarily--without resenting each other's desires.

...wants to have her cake and eat it too. I totally agree with others here who have said that people don't take marriage seriously. Same with having kids. People think that they can get married and/or have kids and still do whatever the fuck they want to do. Well, sorry people, but that's not the way it works. Marriage is a sacrifice, it takes work, and for this woman to think that this is appropriate for a marriage is absurd. It would be different if the husband had been informed of this ahead of getting married.

Can anyone here tell me why people get married or have kids, or both, and think that they can go on living their lives the way they did when they were single and childfree?

Maybe these two can work it out, but I have doubts. LW, I wish you well, and good luck with moving on if your wife cannot handle making decisions that reflect her reality, which is that she is a married person and it's not all about her anymore.

Peace.