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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Why not quit your job and join your wife in the Peace Corp? You will be enriched by the experience and should have no trouble finding a job when you return. Plus you would be able to spend two years living in an exotic location with your wife. What a great bonding experience. What an adventure of a lifetime. I'm 30 years older than you and believe me you are in a position to jump on this situation that won't occur again for decades, once you are strapped with a mortgate, kids etc. Go for it. You are too young to act too old.
I think the advice is a little harsh and rash. I don't think it's time for a divorce or even a legal separation.
Marriage is about talking things over. There's something else going on here: ca. 5 years together plus ca. 2 years marriage = 7 year itch. This is something that has to get worked through.
Though you are very young to have gotten married, in this case, I think, what's done is done, and now you have to sit down and talk about it. Are her potential regrets more important than your newlywed period? Surely not. Make a deal with her: if she still wants to go in 5 years time, she can go (alone unless you hate your job). But the first 5 years belong to the marriage.
And if she waits, you'll put up with her 2 year stint.
A lot can change during that wait. So, look into talking it out and making that compromise.
I'm not happy in my marriage and when I read your letter, joining the Peace Corps sounded like a great idea to me. I'd get to be away for 2 years which gives me plenty of time to think about whether I want to come back to my spouse or not. It also gets me away from having to make the decision to divorce. And yes, I know this is not the best idea, but that's where I am.
Do fight for your marriage, though. If I were your wife, it would make a difference to me to hear that my being away would make that much of a difference to you. I hope everything works out for your best.
Instead of actually telling her that Peace Corps == divorce, you'd be better off showing her Cary's article and then saying, "Here's the advice I got about this. I don't like this, and I really want to make this marriage work." You know, good cop/bad cop, with Cary playing the bad cop so you don't have to find one, and you get to play the good cop.
I am no fan of ultimata in relationships -- it turns salvageable situations into disasters, and even the situations where you get what you want, the other person will inevitably be resentful of the process. It may be that there is no other option than to let her go and ask for a divorce, but it also may well be that she doesn't really understand how strongly you feel about this. This column will bring that home, hopefully meaning you never actually have to issue the decree and can actually talk about it seriously instead.
Actually I think that a good amount of the time when Cary writes a column that people should just show their troubled S.O. what he wrote and talk about it. It's a good starting place for discussion, but I'm not sure you would be well-served by just following his advice in most cases.
I think you should go with her, LW. Not that you asked me.
There are many reasons why people choose to be away from their marriages. It's funny which of those we decide to support.
LW's wife is going to resent the hell out of him some day if she gives in to his demands. He's asking her to give up her dream because he likes his job and has decided to dig in his heels. Unlike Cary, I think LW's asking way too much. Jobs are disposable, dreams are not.
I'm a senior woman and there are things I wish I had done when I was younger, even though I'm still able to do some of them now.
I hope LW's wife follows her bliss. It will be his loss if he chooses not to go with her.
then forget divorce, get an annulment. And even if you do want to go with her, she is sending you a message about where you fit in her life.
I quit my job and followed my wife (with our two young kids) to an overseas job of hers. It was exciting and mind-expanding. I was also unemployed for two years after getting back and fell into major depression. Jobs aren't growing on trees.
Recently she suggested doing it all over again. This time I told her she had to find me a job. She viewed that as a ridiculous demand, and I told her that she could go alone.
She's still here.
You need to go with her, LW, screw the job, it'll be here when you get back, but an opportunity like this only happens once in a lifetime. Looking back on my life, I reget nothing, but I sure wish I had taken more time away from work. What was it Eleanor Roosevelt said, when you are on your death bed, you will not regret not signing one more contract, not attending one more meeting, or not closing one more deal, instead, you will regret time not spent with a husband, a wife, a duaghter, a son, or a loved one. Surely you can find some way the two of you can go together...
The Peace Corp will not accept a woman who is married. They require both partners to enroll together. My friend just left for Tanzania this morning for a two year stint in the Peace Corp and she had to go through tons and tons of paperwork explaining that she wasn't really all that attached to her boyfriend and that she wouldn't leave early to come home to him. They put a lot of money and time into each volunteer and are very strict about who they'll let go. Wives without husbands, absolutely not.
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