Letters to the Editor

My wife wants to join the Peace Corps She would be away for two years -- twice as long as we've been married! By Cary Tennis [2006-06-13]

• Not so intractable

  This isn’t intractable, nor is it an either/or proposition. There’s a compromise that suits both spouses. I know, because I'm livin' it. It hasn’t always been pretty, but my partner & I made it work without splitting up. My summary: Clausewitz said "In war, everything is simple but the simple things are very, very hard". He could’ve been talking about relationships. But in relationships, both sides can win.

  We’ve lived and worked overseas (in countries formerly called “third world”, “developing world”, the “hot places” or whatever) for over four years. When we first got together, she was already doing this work temporarily, a couple times a year. There was no suggestion then that she wanted more. After years of building my career, I was an executive in a tech company with a solid six-figure salary. Neither of us were in our twenties, which you can take that to mean that we were more set in our ways, or that we had less flexibility about our living situations, both of which are true.

  My company was gobbled up by a bigger firm, and after the required waiting period I resigned to take a break and consider my next move. I went abroad with my partner just to see what her work was all about. The trip let me see first hand how good she was at it, and why it fulfilled her ... not to mention how much good she was actually doing. I started thinking about how I could help without, you know, actually seeing less of her. Eventually, that meant investing time in finding ways I could participate that made use of my skills and offered me some professional growth, as well as the satisfaction of doing something more meaningful than adding value for shareholders. This didn’t mean “following her” exactly; I didn’t think about it that way and so it didn’t trouble me. I was a high achiever who had made a significant investment in a career I liked and was good at … but opportunities come up that you don’t expect, I saw this as one of them and if it didn’t work out that way, well, at the end of the day, it’s still only a friggin’ job.

  There was no quick solution. Nothing I’d done was a perfect match. We talked about options endlessly, argued over the details, occasionally lost patience, made compromises about things we had both taken for granted, found something we could live with and came to a decision together.

  We were "lucky" enough to eventually find a gig that let us work together. I use the quotes because sometimes that was a real pain in the ass. I had been the 'superior' in the managerial pecking order, but was now the subordinate; I was the one with all the management experience, but was now working for my partner, who didn't do a great job making use of me or even of listening. A lot of times in our first two-year project I felt abandoned by her, since it was so all consuming, she was the lead, and well, as I could see for myself my needs were less urgent than what we were doing. Hard to swallow. At the same time, she was shouldering more pressure than I was, so she needed support. We had to find our way, in other words. Just like in any partnership or marriage.

  The first gig led to others. Along the way, I carved out a niche more suitable to my experience, though changed (enriched, I would say) by what we’d accomplished together. Things got better. What enabled us to stick it out was a) a persistent --- though not always clear or unproblematic --- desire to be together, which we articulated and demonstrated to each other through our actions (rarely at the same time or when the other person wanted that demonstration); and b) a commitment to help the people who needed and wanted our help --- I emphasize the People --- names, faces, personalities, situations, webs of relationships and real problems --- not "third world populations" or "the poor", because neither commitment would have survived if all we saw were the abstractions one envisions when dreaming about joining the Peace Corps and Having an Adventure.

  So what does this have to do with LW? First off, they need to talk. His wife may indeed be looking for the back door, or maybe not. Maybe she's looking but doesn't really want to bail. None of us knows, and if LW's just learning about her burning desire, neither does he. LW needs time to understand what she wants in more detail than he does now. She needs time to articulate it, which may help her come to a better understanding of her needs --- and his. I recommend he does more listening than talking. His side is pretty obvious to anyone who isn’t having to defend theirs.

  The Peace Corps is a fantasy package for a range of desires but it may not end up being what her dreams are wedded to. If LW can “shop around” with his wife for ways they could both work overseas (he’s not committing to it up front, just developing options before they plunge into a divorce), she might come to that conclusion herself. They might want to talk to returning PCVs about their experiences, and ask advice. In fact, talking to anyone who has development experience is a good idea. Go to sites like ReliefWeb and Development Gateway and see what kind of jobs might suit them both. Assemble their facts and generate some options. Then they should be prepared to talk, to argue, to negotiate, to listen and understand each other, and to periodically reaffirm that they’re both still in this together … whatever “this” turns out to be.

  -- quickstrategy
  [Read quickstrategy's other letters]
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