Letters to the Editor
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Yes, don't give up
It can be so hard to be a mother - despite your best efforts, you're *always* going to be left with some serious misgivings about some aspect of your parenting, and resulting fear and doubt that never seem to stop pulling at your heartstrings. You are your son's *mother*. Whether he developed his attachment to your mom because of something you did or didn't do, I think Cary's right in that one of the first steps has to be getting some help for yourself, because I'm sure your feelings are all over the place. Once you get help with some of YOUR pain, a course of action will be clearer and you may even find yourself returning to a renewed sense of love and desire for a connection with him, painful though that may be. No matter how much he's pushing you away, I'll bet somewhere, at his core, he wants you to fight for him. Take care of yourself so that you can. I wish you well.
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You don't have to give up, but you can step back
He's 19 years old, he's off the streets, he's got food and clothing and shelter. He's not done growing yet - he may reject his grandmother's teachings in a few years. He may not. But you've done your job - you've raised your son to adulthood, and from what you tell us, he's a good person. He's just not the son you wanted.
So take a break from your toxic relationship with your mother, that has unfortunately poisoned your relationship with your son. Think of it as if he were dating a woman you really disliked - the more you rail against her, the more he'll want her. Let him know when he comes out there that you love him, you'll always be there for him, and he has your number. Then let him set the pace of communications. Your expectations of him are out of line with what he wants - he wants to go to camp rather than spend the entire summer with you. He's an adult. Let him come for a month. Then let him go.
As for the issues with your mom - therapy. It makes perfect sense that you'd resent her for taking your son away from you. But you're the only one who can deal with this resentment. You can't change her, and you can't change your son. So take the time out from motherhood that's being offered to you, and learn how to crate your own happiness.
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answer to the question...
Cary's right. You don't give up. It's not a legitimate option. And while it sucks your mother is a Jesus freak who sounds a bit like Satan, you have to go back into her messy universe. You bought a plan ticket for your son. Now you need to buy a plane ticket for yourself. Take charge. Reclaim your son. You didn't give birth to him so your mother could screw him up, right? Maybe you're afraid of your mother - she does sound horrible. But you're stronger than she is. You are, or you wouldn't have made out of her clutches. So now be strong enough to get your son away from her, too.
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In response to Zahra
I think LW said she was 19 when she had her son, not that he's 19. I think the 2 years old then "fast forward ten years" plus the camp and homework mentions imply the kid in question is 12 years old. Which makes him decidedly not an adult, which is a big difference in the situation. She's not contemplating abandoning a wayward adult offspring but a child.
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Let him go
I'm going to disagree with Cary here. Therapy is the last thing that's in order. This is just a matter of working out the kinks, so to speak.
My son and I had a troublesome relationship from the time he was a babe. He always preferred his dad, and this was very extremely hurtful to me. His dad and I separated when he was young, and I endured years of feeling like the odd one out in my own child's life. In his late teens, we began to find common ground and have bonded in ways that his father cannot even fathom. Recently when I watched "The Squid and the Whale" it hit me like a ton of bricks. The older boy was my son in spades.
Well, as it turns out, my son at age 19 and I now have a very good relationship, and he sees his father for what he is.
Don't give up, just let go, and be patient.
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Do not give up
The way I read it, the kid is about 14. That’s too young to be given up on.
You are blessed to be living so far away from your mother, but that can work in two directions. When the kid is in grandma’s possession, she has the upper hand and you have no power. But if he’s on your territory, she probably has very little ability to drop in and meddle. So you need to make your move when he’s on your turf.
After your son arrives for his “one-month visit” tell him there’s been a change of plans, he’s going to live with you and not with grandma. Tell him you’re the mother, you’re the one responsible for his upbringing, it was swell of grandma to help out while you were younger and unable to care for him properly but now things have changed. Be prepared for a lot of resistance and acting out, but hang in there. I suspect he will be secretly thrilled to discover that his mother does in fact want him, love him and put up with him. You might also prepare yourself with some appropriate Bible verses along the lines of how Jesus wants kids to live with and honor their mothers.
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more than 2 choices
I think that this doesn't have to be a choice between your "cut him off" and Cary's "consider yourself in a permanent struggle", which ominously sounds as if you are doomed to lose any part of your identity that doesn't relate to being a wronged parent and child. The kid doesn't sound like he's in trouble. He's getting good grades. He's where he wants to be, in (presumably?) the town where he grew up. It doesn't sound like he has a drug or alcohol problem, or is hurting anyone where he is. Why not let him stay, with some ground rules, such as he has to call you every week? Then, just make sure it is clear to him, no matter how many times you have to repeat it, that you love him and that he is always welcome back.
Your mother will have him during the most difficult years of his life (he's 14, not 19, right?). This is, in a way, a gift. It sounds as if her m.o. has been to spoil him to pull him away from you. Once you let her "win", the thrill of the fight is over, and she's left to raise an adolescent boy. Chances are that once the honeymoon is over and they have a conflict or two the kid will be back on your doorstep. There's also a good chance the "saved" thing is just a phase. Or not, but as long as he seems to be content, and you're sure that he knows that you haven't abandoned him and will always welcome him back, mullet and Jesus and all (this part is important), why not let him stay with grandma and get on with your own life?
If/ when he does return, just be sure anything remotely close to "I told you so" never leaves your lips. And be sure to support him, even if he isn't the cultured urbanite you had hoped (planned?) he would be. (question- was it his idea to take art and violin lessons?)
I just think that the fight Carey is describing sounds hideous, unwinnable, and not productive for anyone (and therapy is always a crapshoot). Make sure the kid is safe, not in trouble, and knows he's missed and loved, and then get on with being the parent and person he will (hopefully) want to come home to someday. Good luck!