Letters to the Editor
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Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join!
I got married at 25 and took my husband's last name even despite the Women's Study class that I took. I still love reading Cixous. She's fun. But, yes, the backlash from others doesn't ever really stop. It's been almost 5 years, and I still get demeaning baby comments from one camp and the cold shoulder from the other. To make it worse if you don't "pop out babies" by the time you are 30 years old, other surburban families will think something is wrong with you. So you become alienated from both the right and left wings.
So welcome to limbo! People like you and me don't really exist. I bet you never knew that. What makes it fun for me is that when people ask what I do, I tell them I'm a housewife. Usually I get a blank stare followed by a quick changing of the subject. It doesn't matter whether the person is a righty or a lefty; I get the same response. Being a housewife is considered an anomaly these days. But it sure beats saying you're a writer of fiction. Trust me. People are openly hostile to fiction writers. Garrison Keillor gets it right on the "Prairie Home Companion." So does Paul Theroux in his travel books. If you decide to write a book someday about your radical life, don't TELL anyone what you're up to unless you want your future in-laws, boss, and neighbors all suspicious as to what malicious thing you are composing in your head.
So just think: there are actually worse things than telling people you're getting married and naming the kids after their father's last name. You could get off the career track and become a writer or artist full-time and be completely supported by your future spouse. That would really get your family and friends talking and worried. You're either the luckiest person or a complete fool!
As far as the future in-laws are concerned. I would be careful. What is your future fiance's take on this? Did he say that you're going to have kids in a year or two? Yikes! I would find out fast. Because if you aren't sure where you stand on having kids, you should delay marriage. Move in together until you figure it out!
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Tell them
"This is what the next wave of feminism looks like." Or similarly, "Nothing is more radical than true happiness."
That's what you smile and tell your friends, anyway. I'm not sure about that sister - can't really parse her issues out.
I am a happy radical feminist (yes we exist! We don't all become the crazy, bitter cat ladies. Actually, I don't know any who have. Hmmm, stereotype maybe?) who met the love of my life when I was not quite 20, moved in with him five months later, moved him out four years after that, bought a house and moved back in together around the eight year mark, and finally married him on our 10th anniversary. Some years after that, he is still my smart, funny, sexy best friend, and fighting for my future with him was the best decision I have ever made.
When one of my fantastic single girlfriends saw the little sapphire ring on my finger, she said, with tears of laughter and happiness in her eyes, "You fucking sellout, Haney!"
And it was wonderful and funny and acknowledged all the cultural and counter-cultural baggage my husband and I were about to confront head on. It's worth it. My only regret is that my best friend who is gay does not yet have the right to marry the love of HER life. Getting married and being mind-bogglingly happy has made me an even fiercer proponent of marriage equality in the U.S. Everyone should have the right to feel this good.
So mazel tov, Nesting in the North. If you do it right, marriage rocks.
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Don't do it
Cary has missed the boat here, and the advice to get married given the LW's situation is irresponsible. This is not about feminism or politics. The LW is 21 and enjoying the kind of self-absorbtion and identity exploration that defines the middle-class college kid. As long as this exploration does not involve behaviors that might put her health at risk, it is to be encouraged. As she should be, she is enjoying her youth! But the subtext of her letter makes clear that on some level she knows that to marry this man, at this time, is a bad decision, and that's what she *wants* to be told.
The politics of the situation must be ignored. The feminism around her is noise and completely irrelevant to what will make the LW happy. No two decisions will have a greater impact on her ongoing happiness -- for the rest of her life -- than if and whom she will marry, and if and when she will have children.
The LW makes a point of asking Cary not respond as to whether this guy is right for her, or even whether she is too young to get married. Yet, that's what the letter is really about. Part of her is still a kid, and that kid knows on some level that she needs a strong parental figure to establish boundaries for her. On some level, she wanted and needed the avuncular Cary to tell her that marrying a man who is 33 and going nowhere is a mistake. She desparately needs to hear an authority figure say that nothing will end all this youthful exuberance more quickly than having a baby -- or worse, a baby and a failed marriage.
The title of her letter focuses on the desire to get married, not on her love for this man. She is living in what is by definition a chaotic environment, with her "twisted" boyfriend and polyamorous social circle. I suspect the desire for marriage and children is really about an escape from this chaos, and a little more of the middle-class stability she grew up with. There are many better ways to escape the chaos than getting married.
Cary didn't tell you but I will, LW: Don't marry this man or any other, and don't have any children, for at least a few years. You are not ready, and you cannot envision how quickly your youth and all its trappings would leave you.