Letters to the Editor
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An old chick perspective...
I agree with posters who have written that you should consider the sources of the disapproval and the state of *their* affairs. Feminists can be expansive and accepting or as dogmatic as hell. In this respect, as a group, we are like most others. For a decade, I have worked in the movement to end domestic violence. I have made wonderful friends. But I have, also, been outright rejected for silly things, like my love of dresses and lipgloss. Some people feel the need to buy the total package: the granny glasses, the ugly sandals, the shoulds, the oughts...
Oh, by the way, I am married. The same "off the rack" feministas who diss free will, also make loud declarations of the boundaries they place on their partnerships: "I don't buy the groceries." What poppycock! Refusing to hit the Safeway for toilet paper is not a political act! People who subscribe/prescribe to a lifestyle package are small-minded and not worth the time. LW: Sort out the motives of these folks. Ask them if they feel that what makes you happy now is a threat to your future. If their answers are about YOU and not about "womyn" or "patriarchy", then perhaps you can consider them.
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Learned something here
Feminist and Abby, your perspectives on feminism made me think. After reading Cary's response it made intuitive sense, but Abby's letter brings up another way of viewing feminism. Thanks.
I still think there is a problem with dogmatism that can turn people off from any philosophy or creed that tries to impose its way on the world. (Of course, that type of pressure can also strengthen the resolve of the believers.) In my mind, a liberal or progressive politics leads by example not by ostracization or ridicule. Feminists can make their points about marriage without disrespecting people who see things differently (as I feel both Feminist and Abby have done here). They can live their lives as examples to inspire others rather than try to pressure others to live their lives according to a set of rules.
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Wow, She's So Special!
Yes, everyone is jealous of you and your unique relationship. Yes, all your friends will end up alone and bitter, only you have managed to snag the prize. Yes, you're a real rebel, getting married and giving your children your husband's last name, that is [i]so[/i] rare.
I bet I know what's annoying her friends and family. The LW is probably walking around (with her left hand a foot in front of her) all bright-eyed, smug, and naive, talking about how unique and special her marriage will be, but then dropping little comments that make her friends and family realize she's headed right for Feminine Mystique land. The LW is probably reacting to her feminist friends' indifference to her marriage (because the rest of society is giving her strong positive feedback and she wants that from everyone). Her next letter will be in three years, when she tells Cary how daring she is for becoming a stay-at-home mother and asks him why her remaining friends are bothering her with statistics about impoverished former SAHMs.
I got married while attending the most liberal law school in the country, in one of the most liberal cities. All of my queer hippie friends were happy for me. The staunchest of my feminist friends may say, in unrelated conversations, that they don't believe in marriage or that they think marriage is still usually unequal. However, that doesn't mean they're not in committed relationships or that they're intolerant towards married women. It just means they don't act as though getting married is the equivalent of winning a Nobel Prize, Olympic medal, and Miss America all in the same year.
The LW would really be better off living with her fiancé for a few years before the wedding, but that won't give her the cool feeling of being a rebel, nor all the lovely gifts ('cause that's how society usually marks its outcasts, with money and china).
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What is feminism about?
"although I would guess that many feminist theorists would include women's autonomy and 'happiness' in one way or another as an objective"
What are some of the other objectives? I've never taken a women's study course or read the authors you've cited, so I'm curious.
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So It Has Always Been; So It Shall Always
Welcome to the reason for feminist backlash, kid. Those espousing the right to "choose" for women -- or womyn -- are tolerant until such time as the woman makes a choice that doesn't pass their litmus test. My wife, once head of such a college woman's association, endured the same ostracization when she decided to marry me. It hurt her quite a bit and many of those so-called friends dropped by the wayside.
The general populace is supposed to tolerate, if not embrace, all sorts of alternative situations under the banner of personal choice, which more of us increasingly do. But if someone opts for a more traditional situation they are "sell outs."
They name streets after these people: one way.
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Being a grown up
The author of this letter needs to realize that most of life's difficult choices can finally only be settled by the individual making the choice. If she knows that marrying this man is what will satisfy her and provide her with the next steps in a productive, meaningful life, then she needs to step up to the plate and do what makes sense for her. If her friends do not accompany her along the new path she has chosen, then so it goes. She will meet other people along the way and her life will still have meaning. Being a grown up means not always looking to one's peers for approval. As a feminist and a married woman, I guarantee her there's room in the tent for everyone, and as she has already discovered, marriage isn't always retrograde.
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feminism=red herring
So, the letter-writer grew up among liberal, feminist intellectuals and chose friends with similar values. And now she's found the way to really push their buttons: get married! to a much older man! have kids and give them his name! Does it occur to anyone else that she may (perhaps not consciously, but still) be rebelling?
Had she grown up where I did, she could have accomplished the same thing by living with a woman (or a man she wasn't married to), dissing the chruch instead of the Women's Center, and vowing never to have kids. Either way, she'd be assuring us that her love is real and solid, that she knows what she is doing, that she is not like all those other young people, and that her friends and family just don't understand because they're too caught up in their rigid, repressive belief systems.
I sympathize with the letter writer's position, but I'd ask her to be careful, to maintain strong ties with her family and friends even if they criticize her and to wait a while before having kids. I got married when I was 17, in defiance of the advice of everyone around me. I, too, was not like all those other kids: I was a straight-A student, mature, hard-working, serious, ready for a challenge. My husband seemed like the perfect match, to me at least. Unfortunately, it turns out that people do change a lot in their twenties and that sometimes there's a reason why one's older, perfect, "twisted" boyfriend hasn't had serious partners before.
Anyway, I think feminism is a red herring here: this is just a situation where a young person is making a very important decision in a way that upsets her friends and family. She may be right (and I hope that she is, and that her marriage--which will almost certainly take place--makes her happy), or they may be (we certainly aren't hearing their assessment of this guy here--she says nothing about their views on him as a person). But this kind of conflict could happen regardless of everyone's political values.