Letters to the Editor
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It's Not Just the Timing, Anonymous
Nobody whose eyebrows are raised over LW's age in this discussion is advocating hard and fast age rules about marriage. They're simply pointing out that people change, often a helluva lot as they go from youth to middle-age and beyond. Marriage, as I'm sure you know, is meant to last. And there are other considerations. As I and others have noted, her beloved has never had a lover prior to LW. At 23, that might be one thing; at 33, I'd wonder if there were something about him which made that so. Only folks who subscribe to that "one and only" hand-jive would fail to do so, in my opinion. Besides, LW didn't write because people ragged her about her age, nor even, really, because of her family's reservations. She wrote because her sanctimonious peers can't get over their dime-store ideology and act like grown-ups. She should give them the finger whatever she decides about her future with her beau. Abby was right; political cadres take their ideas very seriously, which is only to be expected of the bran-deprived. LW had no business mixing with the sort of feminist that thinks the Y-chromosome is the fount of all injustice. BTW, I wonder if Abby noticed that marriage apartheid doesn't exist for LW and her womyn's center pack; Canada has same-sex marriage.
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There are some considerable advantages to marrying young.
Mention to your agasht friends some of the considerable
advantages to marrying and having children young. My parents were both 18 when they married. I didn't marry till I was 32. They were done having three kids by the time they were 22. I wasn't finished till 40. The energy that I have to give to my young kids is nothing compared to my father and mother in thier early and very active 20's. Instead of going fun and exciting places with their friends like most 20 year olds, they went with us!
Put the real payoff comes later. I moved away when I was 19 and my parents were both 41. They were still in the prime of thier lives, hitting thier peak earning years and were now free to travel, go to nice restaurants and generally enjoy thier lives without the millions of little emergencies that come with raising small children. At that same age, I am changing diapers.
I won't deny the advantages to marrying and having children later, but there are huge benefits to doing it earlier too.
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Marrying young usually means early divorce
Early marriages fail at incredibly high rates. That's where the "starter marriage" thing comes from. The ones that succeed have more mature people in them.
The fact that the LW's 21 is much better than 20. Marriages for 20 and under fail at incredible rates. But 21-24 is not a much better cohort. The stats are out there on the web.
The anecdotes are very sweet, but the reality is that most 21 year olds are not ready for marriage. This one does not sound like she is, either. The family dysfunction makes it sound like she's marrying to get away from it.
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Agreed, Domini...
>the reality is that most 21 year olds are not ready for marriage. This one does not sound like she is, either. The family dysfunction makes it sound like she's marrying to get away from it.<
Yeah, that was my take on it, too. A lot of young post-feminist women jump into marriage as a "spite my divorced parents/single mother/unconventional family" nose-thumbing--or they are desperate for security (which they confuse with "being taken care of"). Unfortunately for them neither is a solid basis for matrimony.
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The more this woman
demonizes the advice of her friends, the more immature she sounds. Her friends may or may not be "radical feminists" but that has little to do with the fact that this girl looks as if she's walking into a train wreck. She comes from a crappy dysfunctional family and Mr. Right sounds a. too old for her, and b. too crappy, dysfunctional and immature for her. She sounds like an absolutely classic little girl who wants to rescue a hopeless man. If she were more mature, she'd be more selfish, for her own sake and for the sake of whatever future children she might have, to find the best quality man available.
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follow your heart
I had my daughter at 18---and dropped out of georgia tech to do it. My aunts and and grandmother and many of my friends were aghast that I didn't abort (and even more aghast that I had been so careless and ignorant) My very religious parents and many of the loving yet also very religious folks at church were aghast at my pregnancy (evidence of sin) and felt strongly that the only way to redeem the situation was for me to give her up for adoption. Except for a few folks (also at church)who simply radiated non-judgemental love, and my closest friend from high school, and (much to my surprise) the father's entire family----"how could you hurt you parents like that" was something I heard often. (usually tactfully and in private) My story is different from yours in so many ways---you are obviously a much more sensible person! But we have something in common. It is so hard to know your own heart with all the noise. In the still and quiet you know that you want to marry this man. Do it.
I raised my daughter, and everyone came around, she is wonderful, and my parents have told me so many times how very glad they are that they have the privilege of knowing and loving my Katie.
(ps Katie's father's mother married a man 12 years her senoir and they had a long, interesting, and happy marriage.)
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Just a little too much self-justification for me.
I felt LW went so overboard in demonizing her friends that I started to suspect there was more to this situation than meets the eye. What really leaps off the page (well, screen) is the way she obsesses over what other people are saying. Her question to Cary isn't whether she should get married this young, her question is whether he has a good comeback.
Well, how about MYOB? That was always Ann Landers' response, and it hasn't been improved upon. Cary answered the question she wasn't asking. He told her to go ahead and get married. It's not what she asked him -- but in fact I think it's what she wanted someone to say, and her friends are not saying it for her. That makes them radical man-hating lesbians, obviously.
I'm betting her friends are advising her against marrying the guy, for reasons that have nothing to do with feminism and everything that have to do with immaturity. I'm betting this girl is not able to make this decision on her own, and is taking a public opinion poll of all her friends (and total strangers) instead of trying to piece it together for herself. I'm guessing this letter was prompted because only a total stranger with a completely one-sided version of the facts would ever support her.