Letters to the Editor
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As a Tangent
For what it's worth, eljay and Kelly, you sound like good people, and if I had my way, you'd never face any discrimination, in legislation or otherwise.
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a tragedy and a blessing
When I met my husband, I knew by our second date that I could and likely would marry him. I was 23, he was 24. But my sister gave me some excellent advice: to understand the true strength and potential longevity of a relationship, couples need to experience together one personal tragedy and one tremendous blessing. How your partner helps you cope with the tragedy, or how you partner asks for your help in dealing with the tragedy, will speak volumes about the relationship. Likewise, when one partner is blessed with an amazing opportunity or success or stroke of good fortune, how that person shares the happiness is so revealing-- and how that person's partner deals with the other's luck does as well.
After a tragedy and a blessing, and four years together, my partner and I were engaged. We married last fall. We worked out so many things in the time between meeting and marrying-- I don't know if a marriage could have survived what we were able to work through because we had the freedom to deal with the rough spots as we saw fit.
My advice to anyone, including the LW, would be to make sure the relationship has been tested before getting engaged.
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Yeesh...
>The contemporary ideology that says we all need to spend several years after college on our own to be happy, self-actualized adults is just that - an ideology, a statement of values disguised as a statement about human nature.<
So advising a person to find out who they are, what they can handle, and what they want is just psycho-babble ideology? Yeah, the number of young-marriages-that-crash-a-few-years-out-the-gate certainly prove that.
>This is feminism in action: you have the responsibility to make sure you can financially take care of yourself and your children in the event you find yourself alone.<
Damm straight. Too many post-feminist young women seem to think that marriage equals "husband-taking-care-of-me-and-having-babies-makes-that-all-okay." Marriage is a partnership. Each person not only has to work with the other person, but be able to carry weight and think independently themselves. And skipping learning how to be independent and going straight into couplehood is more often than not a recipe for disaster. For example, if husband wants babies ASAP because of family pressure but LW doesn't feel ready, is she going to have the gumption to say no--or is she going to cave because she hasn't learned to stand up for herself? As others have noted, LW needs to take a realistic look as to what she really wants here--and why she feels she has to rush into this.
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No Victim, You Are Wise!!
I agree with her caveats entirely. LW should think again about marriage at 21 to a 33-year-old who's never had a girlfriend before. I also applaud NV's commonsense. The happiness of us straights is the least of gay people's problems. And, though her riposte didn't mention it, I suspect she understands that a lot of the anti-patriarchy rhetoric LW's social circle (who could call these people 'friends'?) can be chalked up to a fancy for radicalism common to college students. You can bet your bottom dollar (US or Canadian) that in ten years, tops, many of LW's detractors will become the middle-class straight women they always were. Thanks, No Victim; if the media showed how you and your peers are the typical radical lesbian, we'd have a much saner world, though I'm sure you have better things to do than give interviews to dunderheads.
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tangental issue
As to a 33 year old man who has never had a girlfriend. This is hard to understand for many women. Girlfriends do not just "happen" for guys. It takes an incredible amount of effort, being proactive, and having a thick skin. It takes confidence, money. This guy may have been shy, or short, or simply possessing of any of the qualities that would alow him to go under the radar of the women around him. The vast majority of men have to be very proactive in getting dates, they are not pursued. Its easy to get discouraged. If this guy gave up on the process, for whatever reason, then theres a good chance he would go his whole life never being given any attention by women without jumping through hoops. I would have a serious talk with this guy about him jumping into a marriage with the first women who ever gave him any positive attention. Is he really choosing her, or is simply in love with finally having sex and getting some female attention. Sex for guys warps the brain, and taints every decision we make. Marriage is not the fairytale ending most guys dream about when they are little boys. He is entering into a legal contract from which he will have to pay serious alimony, potentially child support, as well as giving up half his assets if things dont go as planned.
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marry at this age only
It is kind of a joke that people have this weird time-line of how events are supposed to go in a person's life. For my Asian friend when we were 21, she remarked that her parents didn't want her to date (so her boyfriend of 2 years was a secret) until she had graduated from college at 22, then she was supposed to get married between age 24 and 25 or else it'd be too late. So she was supposed to date for 2 years I guess. We got laughs out of that. You are old enough to make your own decisions. Make them. I got married young and had children young (I am 29 now) and I have a similar socio-economic-education status as yourself. You won't be doing the "normal" thing but you will be doing what you want to do. And that's what counts. I have two little kids right now and if I could send you a picture of them I would because how would anybody say I shouldn't have had my two little cuties? If you want kids and marriage right now then trust in yourself that you will be a great spouse and parent.