You mean left-wing blowhards are just as dogmatic and obnoxious about it as right-wing blowhards? Who woulda thunk.

is great. I think my marriage is an important part of my feminism. Marriage doesn't just mean one thing--to buy into that belief is part of the problem. I think in academia we are often surrounded by people who talk more than they listen--they already know what marriage *means* and they're going to tell you all about it. blah, blah, blah.

I was very excited when I realized that I could make all parts of my life, and my marriage, mean what it means to me, not what other people think it should mean. Feminism taught me this. C'mon, you've read the feminist lit, if we can redefine what 'woman' means, we can redefine marriage.

Reading about her problems makes me want to turn Christian, move to Alabama, and vote Republican.

The sexism and bigotry of her "Queer Feminist Sisters" is mind-boggling.

Let's be honest... what else could you call it? Anyone who can't see the engagement ring and say "Congratulations" shouldn't be your friend.

When I got engaged everyone I knew weirded out--my mom, sis, friends, work colleagues, etc. Becoming a "wife" changes your social status and relationships with other people in strange and unexpected ways. My single friends felt inadequate--like I'd somehow won a prize they hadn't gotten yet. My married friends treated me like I'd joined some exclusive and desirable club: "You're one of us now!" I hated all of it.

The best thing the LW can do is try to ignore all the noise as much as she possibly can. The LW sounds like a happy, sane and strong person so I'm sure she'll learn how take the comments in stride and simply live her life as she sees fit.

The corollary to being happy is that it always makes someone else jealous. Your radical feminist lesbian friends are already seeing the day ahead, when they are middle aged, bewhiskered, resolutely single, chainsmoking radical brand cigarettes, and lonely as hell, and you are middle aged and surrounded by family just like David Copperfield and his sister in the last chapter.

Go for it!

Do what you want. The vast majority, if not all, of your queer feminist radical womyn whatever friends will drop their pretentious affectations like red-hot charcoal briquets when the cold reality of life after university slaps them upside the head and believe me, they will be begging for a chance to be happy like you, or at least move to the suburbs and pretend. Unless you plan on living in a college ghetto the rest of your life, these blowhard friends of your will grow up soon enough. You're just ahead of the curve, that's all. Forget the naysayers. Life is a cold, short, perilous thing that many people waste vast portions of dividing themselves into camps, comparing who has the coolest / correctest / outrageousest ideology. Meanwhile the wind still howls and, dear, if you've got someone to walk with you, that's worth more than all the silly agendas anyone from any side of any camp will ever foist on you.

I'm a lesbian in my 20s, and when my straight friends announce they are getting married, I say "Congratulations!" -- but secretly, I can't help feeling sorry for myself. I feel sad because I know it's the end of our nights out together. Her husband will come before me for the rest of her life. And, I feel sad for myself because I haven't found True Love... and if I ever find love, I will never have the recognition that straight people get.

If your friends are like me, they secretly want what you have: They want love, they want a committed partnership, and they want to be accepted by society. Your happiness reminds them of their own loneliness -- the loneliness of singledom, or the loneliness of relationships that aren't recognized by mainstream society.

So in short, I think you should suck it up -- because you're the one in the privileged position. You're in love, you're happy, and you're getting all the benefits of heterosexual marriage. If your friends need to deal with your marriage by making snide comments -- well, that's unfortunate, but that's how they're choosing to deal with it. Don't take it personally. And most of all, don't demand that they act "happy for you" when they haven't found happiness themselves.

I have to say, my initial reaction was exactly like Dayenu's. Kelly brings up a point that people can feel wounded (even if they know it's wrong) when their friends have some stroke of good fortune, though Kelly sounds like a person who would try to be thoughtful and kind, whereas the letter-writer's "friends" sound like bellowing Generals trying to control-freak her, which I can't stand. If the latter, it's fine to say "who _asked_ you, thank you very much?" to a micro-managing control freak, and if it's the former, then thoughtfulness can be repaid with thoughtfulness.

Good luck and congratulations. Canada's kind of rough, socially.

You can be the cool married couple who are completely egalitarian.

You can then be the cool married egalitarian couple with bright and thoughtful kids who will enjoy their parents' intelligent and colorful friends (or not, it is completely up to you).

You are so fortunate to have a partner to help you navigate the shockingly un-feminist and intolerant world you usually have to enter after college. Together you can commiserate and take on this world, forging a safe-haven for your family (chosen and blood-related).

As Cary so rightly points out, your friends are mired in the history of their movements - and they are sad and constraining histories, full of wrongful deaths and needless suffering. The world we live in today is similar in some respects (we still have wrongful deaths and needless suffering) but we have choices our mothers and grandmothers didn't.

You have the opportunity to set the example for your friends - that's a pretty powerful position. You can do it!

I love both the laughter and the productive, civil fighting—very good signs. The way you describe it, the relationship DOES sound very solid.

So, if you get engaged within a year, then get married a year later, you’ll be 23. Not so very young. I hooked up with my partner when I was 23, and we lasted 10 years. If I had to do it all over again, I would in a second. And though we split, we’re still best friends 20 years later. Sometimes deep, true, profound love comes along early in life. Take it and run with it. Your friends are probably both afraid of losing you and somewhat envious. You might want to reassure them that you’ll still be around after you tie the knot. And 12 years isn’t all that big of an age difference, especially if you’re as bright and mature as you sound. A guy your age would probably bore you to tears.

I thought Cary’s response was spot-on. Feminism is the freedom to love whomever you want and do with your body whatever you wish. Including naming your kids your last name, his last name, or even Apple or Shiloh Nouvel, if that's your preference. It’s YOUR life, not your friends’. They may still be at that age when they are working out their issues with men, and thus, you’re getting the whole patriarchy rap. And of course, patriarchy, control, domination, etc., are reprehensible and worth getting upset about. But this specific relationship you are having with this specific guy doesn’t sound like it’s about him controlling, dominating, or being patriarchal toward you. So, I don’t really see what their point is. It’s not like he’s dragging you by the hair to the altar so he can keep you at home barefoot and pregnant till you pop out 10 of his pups. And if worse comes to worst and it doesn’t work out, so what? You will have completed one phase of life and be on to another.

Just do what you want and let your friends deal with their own feelings on their own time with their own therapists. It’s your life, honey, and you sound like someone who’s ready to have a very interesting journey. Go for it!