This letter just cannot be accurate. No one is as put together as the LW professes to be and has a family who, without any justification at all, treats them like they are a complete loser. Yes, people are jealous sometimes, and families are "dysfunctional", but people rarely attack your choice of house, your job, your judgment and everything else about your life with no cause whatsoever. The truth simply has to be somewhere in the middle (a possibility Cary never acknowledges), to wit, the LW's family is not as bad as she makes them out and she's far more of a "loser" than she admits on paper.

By the way, does anyone other than me think that the word "dysfunctional" is the most overused adjective in the English language, particularly when used with reference to one's family? Whenever someone isn't getting all the stroking they need from their family or there are issues that need dealing with, the family is "dysfunctional". Maybe this is just what "functional" looks like.

Dear No Name (Skeptical?):

Its common, within families, for there to be a group dynamic that lends the family to pick "winners" and "losers", especially in bigger families where power is gained along with favor. They will keep her in "loser" status until she 1. stands up for herself, and 2. lets them see by her actions that she couldn't care less about the opinions she clearly believes to be erroneous.

You'll notice that I said "after a while" twice in the 5th paragraph of my previous post. Lets take that to mean that time has passed. It doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen. But if a parent truly wants to believe that their kid is a loser, nothing that she does will change that. LW could sing camp songs with mother and kiss HER butt, and it wouldn't matter. LW needs to deal with her realty (that LW is not a loser) and act in a way that conveys to her family that they can't convince her otherwise so they need to shut up.

My point is that LW wrote in about her family and how to change them instead of trying to change herself. She positions herself as a victim of a crazy family. Instead she should think of herself as someone who survived her circumstances and is becoming better and better each day. Knowing the reality of who she is should allow her to deal with her family with a level of confidence. Instead of defending herself, she should be declaring her position and shutting family members down who can not deal with her on a more positive basis.

On a more personal front (since you took me there), I haven't had a problem with my own parents. The circumstances surrounding my mother's birth were a bit dramatic and she was emotional abused by her family for a long time. As the well loved daughter of a woman who was neglected as a child within her family, I was more than comfortable with confronting family members out who would make sly hurtful comments. People like to hold on to unspoken beliefs until its all out in the open and they realize that they can't back up their abusive behavior. It encouraged my mother to stand up for herself and realize who she was, recognize what she'd achieved despite her family, and how crazy they are. Now they act like the sun rises and sets at her whim. Its fun to watch.

I understand your skepticism, but people can stop family members from treating them badly. It starts with what kind of treatment they are willing to accept from their family.

To Afro Goddess: I'm thrilled that your parents are now kissing your butt, but forgive me, if I say that this whole scenario sounds more like a fantasy of what an abused adult child would like to happen than what actually happens much of the time in reality. Why would a parent who has so much invested in seeing their child as a loser suddenly decide to treat them like a decent human being? After all, this dysfunction probably goes back to when their child came out of the womb. I can see the parent and child eventually coming to a reconciliation, but the parent having nothing but adoration for the child they formerly abused and denigrated? Sounds kind of fishy to me.

You don't just decide to snap your fingers and "get over" something. Healing is a process. It takes a long time. We wouldn't expect a broken bone to heal instanteously, neither should we expect a wounded psyche.

Maybe I'm just in a bad mood right now, but for a person as smart as LW, she's pretty obtuse. Maybe she's looking for validation, so she wrote in.

You're smart! You have a great job and a decent life! Get over it!

If you have family members who'd rather look down on you, you should be smart enough by now to realize that they are negating your clearly sterling attributes and accomplishments in order to make you one of them.

Don't act like you didn't know this before you wrote in. Stop being a victim! Next time they come with that mess, tell them that you are happy, successful, and that their actions are rude, hurtful, and speak more to their issues than any of yours. They will deny it and want an explanation, and that's when you say that it doesn't really matter because you would rather focus on the positive. Leave it alone, and let them stew.

They won't like it, but always be polite and don't let them trap you into a discussion about it (they just want to argue and prove that you are wrong so walk away before it starts if you have to) after a while, they'll also call you arrogant and a b*tch, and that's a hell of a lot better than being their victim. And a while after that, they'll stop denegrating you and one of them will start the trend when they kiss you butt.

That's what happened to me, and let me say, its quite nice.

LW, if you are REALLY taking what they say to heart, contrary to all you're accomplished, they maybe you really have a problem.

Sorry, but I hate it when smart people act stupid.