Letters to the Editor
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Never mind my suggestion that Cary's evil twin take over his column.
Evidently all Cary needed was a chance to blow off a little steam regarding an anonymous poster to his previous column.
This response is certainly worth keeping and re-reading for many years.
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Brilliant!
A brilliant and beautiful solution!
Arsinoe
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Oh yes
This is brilliant.
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I know we're not supposed to repeat comments...
and annoy the crap out of everyone. But, my God, that was freaking poetic. Just beautiful. I never had a big engagement ring, never lost the one I had, never been camping and essentially hate all things outdoorsy - but suddenly I want to fish ever year for the rest of my life.
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What Everyone Else Said...
...minus the overused "poetic."
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Wow
Cary really earned his check today. What an imagination! Well done.
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There are a few missing facts here...
Yes, very nice response, Cary. But back to the topic at hand..On the face of it, I think the LW is shouldering far too much guilt and blame. Her fiance should have realised how upsetting it was to have lost her ring, and done all he could to replace it as soon as possible. That is what a caring, sensitive fiance would do. That is, of course, unless this was the latest in a long string of mishaps where the LW lost, broke or damaged valuable items, and it was the last straw. That could well be behind his lack of forthcomingness at replacing her engagement ring. Until we have this vital information, no one can advise her.
But she is certainly free to discard the Wal-Mart ring as soon as she is married.
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I lost my wedding ring in my own flooded house
Hey, I left my wedding ring in my New Orleans house when I evacuated for Katrina, and I didn't find it in the muck until 4 months later. So don't feel bad. My husband has also lost his wedding ring before (but always found it) so he couldn't say much. Though after reading this I wonder if maybe he secretly replaced it at Wal-mart... Despite such seemingly inauspicious portents, our marriage is fine, good even, sometimes great. Your relationship is not your ring. I try not to put too much stock in a piece of metal, no matter how pricey.
Also, I stopped wearing my engagement ring a couple of years ago. I couldn't believe that women who had been married for 10 or 20 years (or more) would still want to compare engagement rings. I just didn't want to be a part of that competition anymore, and if anybody asked me, I would answer, "I'm not really a bling girl."
You DO have to work this out with your finace. And frankly, if someone gets tacky with questions about the Wal-mart ring, don't dwell in shame, disarm them with your bluntness. If people found out I left my wedding ring when I evacuated, I would tell them, "yes, and I feel like crap about it." They usually didn't have much to say after that.
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Lost ring
Wow, that's a long engagement
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There are ALWAYS "missing facts," AA
Otherwise people would be sending Cary dissertations with depositions.
However, all Cary did was propose a wonderful solution. To many problems. All we lack is usually the willingness to try a solution. Instead, we just play the old tapes and get divorced and turn bitter. Maybe this is just the latest in a long line of lost items. Who knows? And for once, I don't care if the letter is fake (although I take Cary at his word that he doesn't knowingly publish fakes), because the advice is so darn good.
Actually, I also really, really enjoyed Cary's response to the "grow the f*ck up" remark. Nice to see him cut loose once in a while.
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Three years and he is still mad?
Three years ago, you lost a worthless trinket. He was there and knew how this happened.
You replaced the trinket with another to cover your fiancee's face. You could have said "I lost it in the lake while fishing" and be done with it.
He blew your cover to HIS family, not your family. You had to hear recriminations and confrontations from his loving sister about a piece of junk. It was none of her business.
He got insurance money but did not replace the ring and resisted efforts to replace the ring on your part by sharing most of the cost.
When do you think he will forgive you over NOTHING? Yup a $2500 ring is not worth a lot. Sorry, it is a trinket and you have paid back about $100,000. In guilt and worry and apologies, and trying to fix something he resolutely does not want to fix. Not while he can watch you squirm.
That said, going fishing to look for this piece of junk is more of you squirming while you can never live it down.
Are you over 60 years old and think this is the only person left for you at your age?
I would dump this fiancee and get on with my life.
This kind of ugly passive aggresive stuff only gets worse. You are warned. Get away while you are young. You will never live so many other things in this marriage that eventually you might have to leave when you are really over 60.
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Make sure the next ring is the right size...
It shouldn't have fallen off when you were thrashing about in the water. He should have made sure that his engagement ring fit you properly. And kept his mouth shut when you replaced it!
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A dreamy answer
Cary, I loved your response. But I do fear that this LW has bigger problems than the loss of a ring. The fiance's family dynamic suggests both a humiliating piling on and a refusal of the future hubby to support his wife-to-be in her hour of need. We don't know if the WalMart confession was obtained in a spirit of playful teasing or with malice, but the LW's continued shaming makes me suspect the latter.
They need to talk about money, mistakes, guilt, and family pressures... which are subjects highly relevent to the success of their marriage.
The ring means nothing. The drama surrounding the ring is the thing.
Good luck, honey.
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He broke her confidence
She asked him not to tell, and he told two people. Why did he do that? Was it just to get back at her? Did he feel so overwhelmed by this that he had to confide in someone?
Come to think, is the sister angry with her? Or was her pointed question, in front of everyone, not meant to embarrass the hell out of LW?
Cary's right, they need to talk this out before the wedding. I also agree that she's been feeling guilty and horrible about this accident for too long - and the tone of her letter makes me think she's had some help in that. She's come up with two possible solutions to this problem, but "neither suggestion seems to be the right one" - sounds like he's rejected these ideas. If that's the case, then he needs to tell her, verbally, what form of atonement will be acceptable to him. Then she can decide whether she can do the penance he requires.