Yep! This man shows the absolutely typical patterns of behavior of criminal alcoholics in every single respect. Hundreds of thousands of men behave in this way, and the only remedy is to get away from him. He may be extremely dangerous. I hope she makes it away safely. To cave in to him now is guaranteed to make him behave the same way even more in the future.

However the greatest danger to this woman is that she will go straight out and find another man who is exactly the same. So the only advice I would add is please avoid men like this in the future.

You seem clear-headed, except for one thing -- the apportion of blame/responsibility.

Him - 1, You - 0.

You are NOT responsible for his ending up in jail. These are his actions. He is responsible for the results. If he ends up in jail, too damned bad. All you did was make the oh-so-necessary phone call. Take it to the (inevitable) extreme: If/when he kills you, or your family, and is caught and convicted, is that your responsibility? Substitute the word "fault" for "responsibility" and see if your reasoning holds up.

Exactly.

His childhood or failures or neuroses (pick an excuse, any excuse) are not your problem. Go fast and far. If you stay with this asshole, then THAT is YOUR problem, and your fault, and your responsibility.

But you know what to do. You knew before you wrote to our beloved Cary. You just need the validation this guy has cut out from under you. Imagine yourself watching one of those Lifetime movies -- you're sitting on the sofa shouting, "Get out of there, girl! Are you crazy? You don't deserve this!" You're right. Now do what you have to do.

Compassion and turning him in aren't mutually exclusive. In fact turning him in IS an act of compassion because ultimately it could help him break his destructive patterns and get some real help.

And won't it be nice to take all this energy you're devoting to him, his moods, your fear, your codependent love, tiptoeing on emotional eggshells, worried about your safety now and in the future...take all that energy and invest it in making yourself happy?! Get off the rollercoaster, you ARE worth it.

You: It's part of a co dependant pattern of thinking to be taking responsibility for what will happen to him if you call the police. It's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to look after yourself and your family and seeing as he's threatening you, you need to take steps to find safety.

Him: If he didn't want you to call the police he wouldn't be threatening you and your family. It's his actions that are causing these things to happen to him. It's a classic abusive pattern of thinking for him to be making you responsible for his wellbeing and for keeping him out of jail. Don't believe it.

You: This is a very dramatic situation that probably feels compelling. However it's not actually a situation that can lead to anything good or interesting, particularly as it's actually him who is exercising all the control and is choosing to piss it away in drinking and threatening violence.

If you get out of this now you will look back at it in a few years and see what a D grade drama the whole thing was, cooked up by an addict who didn't want to deal with their issues and so created a whole lot of drama with their girlfriend instead.

Finally, you say you love him. Fear can often be mistaken for love because it's so exciting and compelling. Whether or not you love him I hope you love yourself more. Go work on your own life, deal with your own issues, find a love that is creative and mutual and forget about this guy.

Like everyone else who has responded to this column, I agree that the writer must get out now! I just wanted to add a comment based on my own experience of being "in love with" (and married to) an abusive alcoholic. No, you're not in love with him. You're in love with your fantasy of who he is. Think about it: Is the man of your dreams a man who hits you?

I thought not.

Yes, follow Cary's advice, and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or a group in your area. And DO go someplace safe. It is reasonable to be afraid, not only from your own experience, but also because the time when the abuser realizes the partner is leaving can be one of the most dangerous times. But that also doesn't mean things will be safer, or get any easier if you stay out of fear.

The LW's statement that she has a protection order, but he doesn't know she's leaving, is confusing. But having once worked in a domestic violence shelter, I know some men understood a woman's being there as a time out; as in he didn't realize he'd been so bad that she had to leave, and now he's REALLY sorry, and will never do it again, once she comes back. And some women had to go through that process a couple of times to see he really wouldn't change. Maybe the LW's boyfriend thinks they're going through a similar process of just having some space. And while I wouldn't accept at face value that he's never abused a woman before the LW, it also may be the case that he's escalated to outright violence with her, while before he was just controlling or verbally abusive. That's still his process, not due to anything she did.

Finally, It's not shocking, or even terrible, that the LW still has some feelings for her boyfriend. There were undoubedly sweet and loving times between them. But as someone just said, at this point, that isn't him, it's just a vision of what he could be. And as others have pointed out, any consequences he faces are because of his actions, not hers.