god forgive that person who withheld their name and said maybe she made him into an asshole.that is just awful

hi.ive been goin out with my boyfriend for 2 years.after a couple of months i got pregnant.by then i knew he was a chronic alcoholic.im always attracted to these types.i came from an alcoholic family.when i was 4 months pregnant he broke my nose.he then kicked my beautiful little dog to death in a drunken rage and txt me to tell me.because i was preg i stayed plus i still loved him.that sounds sick.i went into premature labour and my baby was stillborn.though i dont think that was his fault because i had a stillbirth in a previous relationship.he went off the drink for 6months but recently went back on it.in the space of3weeks he destroyed everything that he had tried to make up for.i kept threatening to leave.eventually he walked out on me last week.i probably woulnt have had the strength anyway.he blames me for the relationship breaking down.i went to my first alanon meeting last night and ive felt such a relief.because ive realised for the first time he was obsessed with drink and i was obsessed with his drinking.so in some ways ive had an illness too.ive completely forgotten who i am because ive been too busy trying to help and understand and change him for so long.its time for me now.its gonna be a long road but like the alcoholic i also have to follow a12 step programme for a different reason.i too have to change for myself and no one else and take one day at a time.im completely heartbroken over it all.its a bit easier cause he left cause i probably would have struggled on with him.i love him but hes not able to love himself at this moment in time.no one knows what tommorrow will bring but the only person we can change is ourselves and the rest will come naturally

I have had to deal with a friend in a similar situation. It gets pretty sickening after awhile. I have actually been the one to call the police when he became verbally abusive with me! So have other friends. Everything said in these responses has been said to my friend by her friends and relatives and still she would go back. That is the sickening part. When we all put our heads together we came up with this idea of what was going on. For one the friend...I'll call her Susan... was an alcoholic herself. She was hiding this fact by pretending her colored Gatorade bottle was just water. NOT. It was wine. And I figured that out after a late ride from hell where she was so drunk we got lost and almost in an accident with her driving. After this espisode and numerous dramatic crying fests on her part and erratic behavior...and seeing the wine all over the house, the car..etc.. and counting the number of Gatorade bottles drunk..she is an alcoholic. Secondly we figured out Susan loved being the center of attention. All the drama and everyone helping her.. Oh poor Susan.. blah blah. Yes, she was in the classic abusive situation but after putting her family and friends though hell she still went back! I am talking three years of this crap. She even went to jail twice herself when he turned the tables and called the cops on her.

I think it is some kind of disorder where she craves being the center of attention and he fits the mold. Sad isn't it. I have had enough. Don't want to be her friend anymore. Tired of talking and "being there" for her. Actually feel like I was abused and used.

I know this thread is old, but if you've come here to check if anyone has replied to you, let me do you a service...

This answer has two versions. Version 1 is shorter, and more to the point as to why you don't understand the issue. Version 2 is longer, and answers your specific objections.

Version 1: Go fuck yourself. Your post is not constructive, and is substantively wrong.

Version 2: If a guy robs you, are you responsible for capturing him, making sure that he is in fact guilty of robbing you, determining his sentence, and imprisoning him? No, you're not responsible for that, nor are you probably capable of all that. Your only reponsibility (if you believe in the value of law of order) is to report the crime, follow up, testify, and see that your part in the legal system is done.

As to the hooker example, if I pick up a hooker, I expect sex in exchange for money. I bear no responsibility if she takes my money by force; she is in the wrong (or more in the wrong, if you have some hangups about prostitution) for robbing me. If I picked up a woman with the intent of being jacked, I would rightly be judged a fool. Expectations matter. The LW did not set out to be in an abusive relationship; she cannot be blamed for ending up in one.

As to the first paragraph, I assume that you've been in a relationship at some point. Does being in a relationship per se condemn all other people whom you could have dated? No, so stop beating up a straw man with your statement to the contrary. The LW got into a relationship with a man who was likely charming and interesting to her; abusers are good at not displaying their abusive tendencies at first. Then he changed; she fell in love with an image, but behind that image lies trouble. She is not responsible for having feelings for that image.

What she is repsponsible for is holding him accountable for his behavior; that's how he'll learn (or how he might learn) that abuse is unacceptable. That means leaving him, contacting the police, pressing charges, and so forth. She doesn't have to hate him; she just needs to show him--by action--that what he is doing is not cool.

Nice of you to try tarnishing all women as a gender. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?