katie was dating my ex-husband...how hellish

I strongly agree with those who have advised postponing involvement of the authorities, i.e.: the Fire Marshal or Child Protective Services. Once you get them involved the process will be completely out of your hands. You will have to go along with their process, as long as it takes, and abide by their decisions. While CPS is on your case what options you have now will become limited: moving out of the house, filing for divorce, etc. will be scrutinized and complicated by the third party you invited into your life.

The solution to your situation may seem obvious to you, but there's no guarantee CPS will see it that way. Considering that problems with the house have persisted as long as they have, CPS could very well see you as part of the problem for letting it happen. Likewise, if you let this go on you are opening the door for someone else to call in the appropriate authorities. It could be the parents, it could be anyone who sees what's happening on and feels compelled to act. Unlike Cary, I don't think you have a couple of years to figure this out.

Lastly, while you say you were in a long funk I find your wife's behavior regarding your employment and income deplorable. I don't know what sort of expectations your wife has regarding the lifestyle she has but, personally, I would find it extremely degrading to have my earning power be the subject of constant criticism. You also mentioned restoring the balance of power in the relationship. In my experience, healthy relationships don't include persistent or repeated power struggles. Where is the mutual support and admiration here?

Don't call child welfare, etc. Once they're involved, THEY take over and make ALL the decisions. Once they find out that the LW has allowed his kid to live with this for years, and that the LW was in a depressed funk for several years as well, they may decide to stick the kid in a foster home, or give custody to the mother-in-law, or lord knows what. They will be directing and inspecting your life for YEARS TO COME. They have NO sense of humor, NO sense of proportion, and little common sense. DON'T CALL THEM. If you call the fire department, THEY will call child welfare. Work it out yourself somehow and tell your well-meaning, interfering mother to butt out before she makes the mistake of inviting the ridiculous state machine into your existence for the next five or ten years.

Don't put too much into how the job dynamics have changed over time - she'd probably be hoarding anyway. I have a relative who's a hoarder - it's just a part of her personality, not really related to those around her. The strangest thing is how comfortable the hoarder is in his/her environment even though everyone else is quite distrubed by it.

sorry, just don't have time right now to read through more than the first page or so of posts, but wanted to offer some food for thought. my husband has ADD and hoarding is a very common trait associated with folks who have ADD. perhaps being treated for depression didn't work because that wasn't the wife's issue--she could possibly have ADD, and would need to get the appropriate treatment (therapy and meds, ideally).

my husband is addressing his ADD with treatment, and although treatment is not a "cure" for a tendency to hoard (i should note, however, that his hoarding was nowhere near the severity described by the LW), it helps tremendously. with treatment, he is able to focus enough to go through his boxes and piles and weed things out. things have gotten much, much better in our household over time with this.

all that aside, the situation with the LW sounds so severe that he would do well to bring in outside resources to begin hauling out the crap and start getting organized, whether the wife agrees to this or not. he can't continue to be held hostage to the wife's problem--particularly as she chooses not to get treatment or cooperate in finding solutuions. it's the LW's house, too--as well as his son's--and he has the right to live in a safe, habitable environment.

My father is a horder. I grew up profoundly embarrassed of his home (I lived with my mom). It’s always so dusty and musty at my dad’s place that it gives me a headache to be there and I never trust anything that comes out of his kitchen. If you asked my father about it he would just say he’s messy and it’s not a big deal at all. In fact after 30 years of this kind of behavior his house is literally crumbling in around him and he’s very much alone. It’s really very sad. Recently he’s started making baby steps in cleaning the place up – but I think it’s going to take another 30 years at the rate he’s going.

Hording really will suck all the life out of a home. A simple childhood pleasure like putting up a Christmas tree, baking a tray of brownies or inviting a friend over for a sleep-over is impossible and depressing. It’s depressing for adults too. I wonder if it wasn’t the state of the home the depressed the LW in the first place.

If I were in the LW’s situation I’d take some photos of the house (just in case things go badly) and then I’d find a nearby apartment for myself and my child. It’s time for a trial separation. If the wife cleans up her act, or at least starts moving in the right direction, then you can talk about moving back in or letting her (sans most of her junk) move in with you.

This woman most likely does have OCD: one recognized form is hoarding. In fact, some psychiatrists consider hoarding the most disabling form of compulsion because unlike most compulsions in which the person engages in an act, hoarding involves NOT performing an act, making it difficult to manage. Hoarding is less collecting than it is inability to discard. It's different from addiction. An addict finds his or her substance or whatever appealing, with a sort of siren call. A hoarder, as many have pointed out, is overcome with anxiety at throwing anything away.

Throwing everything out behind her back might make you feel better but she's just going to keep on hoarding and the same pattern will go on, plus you'll never get her to turn your back on you again.

Anyone remember the woman who died a few months ago in her home filled with hoarded objects because some fell on her and she suffocated? The police had to walk on the "stuff" and their heads touched the ceiling. They searched for her several times before finding her body. So this can be pretty serious. Even if she has "paths" now, those might disappear eventually.

I would suggest finding this woman a therapist that specializes in OCD. If she resists, that's when to threaten to leave and take the kid. The fact that someone is mentally ill doesn't automatically resolve him or her of responsibilities, including the responsibility to address the illness if it is harming others.