And it's a tedious condition. There is more to it than just hoarding. My ex kept the attic, basement, storage room and garage full of boxes filled with stuff from the beginning of his life to present. These included model airplanes he had made as a small child that were wrapped in newspaper for about 35 years and when he opened that box, the smell was awful. He saved proofs of purchase from macaroni and cheese boxes for years until I threw them out. He had threadbare undershirts from when he was 14 years old that he still wore. He had his T-shirts color-coded in the closet all facing the same way but our room was piled with old sneakers, socks, magazines he never read, comic books. It was just awful. No one but him could decide what got thrown away. My daughter once took out the garbage and he made her bring it back in so he could go through it. We are now divorced not so much because of the hoarding but because of control issues (a lot like the LW) and the idea that his stuff was so much more important than anything else in life. I know other hoarders too. My aunt and her son hoard everything that comes into their homes. My cousin has had a box spring in his dining room for 20 years--("it's a perfectly good box spring" leaning against the wall of his diningroom). My aunt also hoards animals, not like 20 or 30 or anything like that. She has 4 dogs and 5 cats. It keeps her house a disgusting mess and though she has plenty of money she never takes any trips or anything unless she takes the dogs with her and gets someone to take care of her cats. I like my cousin and aunt, but no one, not my kids, nor my extended family want to go over to either of their houses. They both love to have dinner parties and there is always dog hair in the food and everything is covered in grime. So for the people that write in and say it's not a problem and my real friends don't mind, you might have more real friends if you learned to throw things away or clean up after yourself. I am not a neatnik either, but I recycle, go through my mail, and throw stuff out. I have seen people keep coupons and junk mail for years. It is absolutely worthless stuff. I can dust and vacuum because my floor is not littered with magazines and huge tupperware containers of god knows what. I think the LW should move out and forget it. With her parents whispering in her ear that their way is best (buying a house for their stuff and moving to an apartment), it's pretty much hopeless. All the hoarders I know think the rest of the world is cuckoo crazy, and they know best. My aunt is constantly telling me not to throw things out and my ex thinks I am terribly irresponsible for not keeping the blinds drawn at all times and giving old stuff to Goodwill. Somehow the two are connected to prove the inadequacy of my character. Get out while you can. And yes, I will bet the LW's wife is very paranoid. It seems to come with the territory. They think everyone wants their stuff, it's too crazy.

My husband hangs on to things, as do his parents and one of my children. My mother in law, for instance, keeps old calendars because eventually the yearly cycle will recur and she won't have to buy another. Never mind that people are giving away more calendars than you can use. I am sure it's nothing like the LW's experience, but I struggle daily to convince my husband (and my daughter) that much of what they hang onto is not only unimportant, but that it literally and metaphorically gets in the way of life.

I think Cary identified a reasonable plan for LW, and I would second finding a female therapist, though I suspect that there will be reasons soon enough for why the new therapist is deemed to be unsatisfactory. It's funny, but people who adhere to things disproportionately also seem to have weaker attachments to the humans in their lives. What the things represent to them, emotionally, has a stronger hold on their self-image and sense of well-being than their connection to loved ones. It either reminds them fondly of the past or of some future possibility that simply can't be discarded, as if discarding the thing is admitting the futility of future achievement.

As a practical matter I would strongly urge the LW to do what I have done in my own, much less cluttered house: Establish "safe" zones for him and his son where stuff may not be kept. In my house, this is the kitchen, the dining room and my side of the bedroom. LW should assert the right to rid the designated zones of anything being "stored" there. This would, hopefully, include his son's room and some amount of play space.

Hoarding is now conceptualized as an information processing problem with biological underpinnings. If the wife is getting general psychodynamic therapy, she will likely remain frustrated. There are validated protocols for the behavioral treatment of hoarding now that show great success - I know the Institute of Living in Hartford has a hoarding program. Though the treatment is difficult for people, change is possible and a suggestion of divorce seems premature. Maybe it would help the wife (and husband) to understand that her brain works differently than other peoples' in this way rather than thinking of it as a result of her early experiences or an addictive habit - worth giving it a shot anyway.

I come from a family of mild-to-moderate hoarders. After I moved out on my own, I spent years filling up my small house with junk from thrift shops and flea markets. Eventually, it all began to get to me, and I looked on the web for advice on how to begin de-cluttering. I found Flylady.net, which is the ONLY site that has ever helped me get rid of the stuff and develop a system of routines for cleaning more regularly. Although the site is fairly hokey, overtly Christian (but not intolerant of other faiths or atheists), and sorely in need of a proofreader, I still like it because her system actually works. It might help the LW's family, if the wife's problem is not too severe. Flylady emphasizes small steps in timed, 15-minute increments, rather than drastic, overwhelming, exhausting shakedowns. Perhaps small steps would be less harrowing for this family if they decide to try to change things together.