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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
She's hoarding because she's convinced that there will never be enough. Having suffered through a period of scarcity, she thinks that if only she can squirrel away enough resources, the family won't be in need again.
The LW might loosen his grip, too. He doesn't need to cut his own hair, much less the child's hair. And maybe all three of them can enjoy bed time and story time, rather than dividing that up so neatly. A little lavishness, a certain generosity of spirit and warmth might go a long way in getting the hoarder to come out from behind her piles of stuff.
The first reply shows an incomplete understanding of hoarding and how destructive it can be to the people around the hoarder. The LW needs to find his wife a female therapist. Then he needs to decide how much longer he can stand living with his wife. My feeling from the letter is that he's already at the end of his rope. I wish him and his child good luck. I think his wife is a lost cause.
...on the last paragraph of your reply. Modeling to our children that (absent any seriously criminal behavior on the part of one parent), even when it's difficult, other people aren't garbage to be thrown out on a whim. The marriage may fail eventually, but there's something in that.
I would call the wife a selfish mother endangering her own son. People who are telling the letter write to loosen up a bit have no idea how bad the level of hoarding the letter writer is describing. it's not just a pile of unopened mail on the kitchen table. It's 'I can't run around freely like a kid naturally wants to because the whole room is full of crap!" For the sake of the son, I would say the letter writer should call the fire department and the child welfare authorities. It's not safe for a child to live in a home like that. Not just psychologically even physically. Can you imagine how much germs it's collecting in that house? What if there is a fire? Can they run out fast enough with all these obstacles? If the child dies or gets hurt in the fire or any injury caused by the mess, the letter writer will be legally responsible for keeping a child in an unsafe environment regardless of it's the mother who is hoarding.
As a father, the letter writer is responsible in every sesne to provide a healthy and safe physical space for his child to live in. If he fails to do that, he fails as a father. If the mother fails to see that, she fails as a mother. There is only so much a child should pay for the selfishness of a parent. But putting the child's well-being at risk is not an acceptable solution. If I knew the address or name of the letter writer, I'd call the fire department and chid welfare organizations myself.
The child welfrare organizatons take the children away from the parents for reasons less dangerous than this situation. why not this one? The grandparents are right to worry and they should take action if the letter writer is too scared of his wife to deal with the issue head on.
seriously, people! wake up and try to grow a spine and tell the selfish parent to get lost and shape up. What's up with Cary? yes, hoarding is a disease and we should tolerate it and support them in their way to change. blah blah. You don't have all the time in the world for the kid to grow up. He only gets one chance to grow up without becoming a hoarder or constantly stressed out. And if there's a fire in the house and the kid dies in the fire, will Cary take accountability for the life lost?
Calling Child Protective Services or the Fire Department is just a way of making someone else responsible for what the LW needs to do himself. If he thinks the child needs to be removed from that home, it is his responsibility, as the child's father, to do that. LW can try to make it clear to his wife that his intent isn't to end the marriage but to protect their son while she gets help — although she's not likely to believe that — but he doesn't have the right to sacrifice his son's mental health in the interests of saving his marriage.
I want to congratulate Harried on pulling himself out of the depression and taking such significant steps in getting his family's life back on track, such as making dinner every night and eating it together. It's also great that Harried has been as committed as he has been to keeping his family together. It sounds like things are pretty bad though if his mother is threatening to sue for custody and this leads me to think things have reached crisis point already. I'm glad Harried is putting the welfare of his child first.
The trouble with addicts is that nothing is going to change them if they don't think they have a problem, besides which, no matter how much they act out their addictive behaviour it isn't going to address their problem either. Harried's wife is obviously NOT dealing with some pretty big problems, and so it's not just the clutter that's hurting Harried's family, it's the unaddressed issues behind that behaviour as well.
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i appreciate the fact that the LW wants to keep his family intact. i appreciate the thoughtful response cary gave re: living with and treating addicts, however, as a former addict and daughter of an obsessive compulsive mother i really think drastic measures need to be taken. it's not about getting agreement from the wife on how to improve and manage things. it's too late for that and she is totally in denial. the lw needs to have his son stay with his parents for a week or two, then he needs to tell his wife that she can choose to get therapy and work on healing herself or not but either way the crap in the house has got to go because it is intolerable. if she stays in denial, invite a fire marshal over, invite child protective services over and have the wife walk through the house with these professionals. once you have their official feedback rent a storage space. give your wife 48 hours to collect the things she truly values and of course the essentials--her clothes, her IMPORTANT personal docs like tax returns, medical docs, mortgage docs whatever. if she says she can't do it, then tell her you are going to leave, and file for a divorce and for full custody of your son. you could easily win custody given the state of her affairs. whatever her decision, hire someone to haul out all of the crap without pause--everything and i mean everything goes and the house is scoured. i saw a 48 hours special about a guy in NYC whose speciality is cleaning out the apartments of hoarders who have been evicted do to the health and fire hazards they have created. find someone like this and get the crap out. document document EVERYTHING, take before and after pictures. i get that hoarding is a serious, horrible afflication, but anytime someone's addiction imposes so cruelly on the rest of the family it's time to just call bullshit. the lw doesn't have to be angry about it--being gentle but solid and assertive is best. statements of what is going to happen peppered with comments of compassion for what she is going through--and what you and your son are going through might be good. if she chooses to take her recovery seriously the lw can reinforce it by saying he will be by her side every step of the way. if she doesn't that he has to end the partnership. maybe this is totally harsh, but i know when people i cared about really put it too me in those terms -- and then followed through (i.e. ended their associations with me) i had to take notice and i had to start taking responsiblity. it sucked, it was hard, i hated them for awhile, but now i know it was the best thing that EVER happened to me.
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