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i appreciate the fact that the LW wants to keep his family intact. i appreciate the thoughtful response cary gave re: living with and treating addicts, however, as a former addict and daughter of an obsessive compulsive mother i really think drastic measures need to be taken. it's not about getting agreement from the wife on how to improve and manage things. it's too late for that and she is totally in denial. the lw needs to have his son stay with his parents for a week or two, then he needs to tell his wife that she can choose to get therapy and work on healing herself or not but either way the crap in the house has got to go because it is intolerable. if she stays in denial, invite a fire marshal over, invite child protective services over and have the wife walk through the house with these professionals. once you have their official feedback rent a storage space. give your wife 48 hours to collect the things she truly values and of course the essentials--her clothes, her IMPORTANT personal docs like tax returns, medical docs, mortgage docs whatever. if she says she can't do it, then tell her you are going to leave, and file for a divorce and for full custody of your son. you could easily win custody given the state of her affairs. whatever her decision, hire someone to haul out all of the crap without pause--everything and i mean everything goes and the house is scoured. i saw a 48 hours special about a guy in NYC whose speciality is cleaning out the apartments of hoarders who have been evicted do to the health and fire hazards they have created. find someone like this and get the crap out. document document EVERYTHING, take before and after pictures. i get that hoarding is a serious, horrible afflication, but anytime someone's addiction imposes so cruelly on the rest of the family it's time to just call bullshit. the lw doesn't have to be angry about it--being gentle but solid and assertive is best. statements of what is going to happen peppered with comments of compassion for what she is going through--and what you and your son are going through might be good. if she chooses to take her recovery seriously the lw can reinforce it by saying he will be by her side every step of the way. if she doesn't that he has to end the partnership. maybe this is totally harsh, but i know when people i cared about really put it too me in those terms -- and then followed through (i.e. ended their associations with me) i had to take notice and i had to start taking responsiblity. it sucked, it was hard, i hated them for awhile, but now i know it was the best thing that EVER happened to me.
