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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
How sad that you put your life on hold waiting for someone else to fulfill it for you and use fantasy as a guide.
I know many romance writers, and their lives are not like their books. They tend to be tough, compassionate, kind women who've been through a lot and enjoy creating three hours' enjoyment for readers who understand the difference between reality and illusion.
Personally, I don't read romances because, as a single woman, I am not convinced that love is all things and love comes to everyone. Some of this is my fault. Some of this is the luck of the draw.
If the books are interfering in your self-esteem and your ability to build a life, even without the sighed-after idealized Love, then read something else. But if they're not, enjoy the rush and the respite.
This isn't advice - just a little story.
I knew a romance novel leading man in college. He was the most gorgeous creature any of us had ever seen and was impossibly unaware of his effect on practically the entire female population of our department. For reasons unknown to me we became close friends - I was two years older than him, utterly plain, and have no clue what led him to start talking to me, but it turns out we had a lot in common and enjoyed each other's company. Because I had a boyfriend (my now husband) we stayed just friends and I had the joy of seeing him meet and fall in love with a beautiful sweet girl that I grew to be very fond of. When she began spending time at his apartment, she came up to me one morning grinning from ear to ear and told me that he had bought her a toothbrush. Her own toothbrush for when she stayed at his house. I thought it was the most romantic thing I had ever heard - makes me smile now.
My point is that it is the tiniest things that make up romance - moments so small that unless you are looking for them you almost always miss them. Years later, my husband's job took him out of town a lot. I began to get very lonely and spent a long time watching romantic movies and feeling sad that my life didn't quite seem to measure up. But then I remembered my college friend and I started paying attention. And I noticed the time he softly brushed the hair out of my face, the time I caught him looking at me when he thought I wouldn't notice, the time he fixed dinner for me or bought me a new robe made of the softest terry cloth I'd ever felt. These things, captured in print or in a movie, are what make up romance novels - and in real life they usually get missed completely. The movies never show what happens in between - the hours of just living that make up most of the time. They focus on the moments.
So I started paying attention to them too - and you know what? My life is better than the romance novels I used to read.
the more you can deal with the discomfort of being single, the more you'll be able to enjoy your relationship when you find one. Right now you're practicing how to stay balanced on your own - it's a crucial time to discover your deepest self, and your most archetypical fantasies are an essential part of that. What I take from what Cary's saying about being receptive to others is that you can only really partner with someone when you can accept yourself. When you accept that your life will always have some great, missing element, desires unfufilled, dreams just out of reach, you can relax and enjoy the ride, single or partnered.
Did you ever think that the underlying message of any romance narrative is actually the story of how an individual becomes balanced and complete? It doesn't happen in the "real", outside, world - it happens inside your soul when you fall in love with yourself.
Let yourself experience every bit of it - even the longing and the loneliness.
Once partnered, you might miss those long hours of maiden solitude, find yourself fantasizing about a free-wheeling self-sufficient single girl who has lots of friends and makes all her own decisions without consulting anyone. Enjoying those memories can help you stay healthy in your relationship.
My favorite romance stories are taken from "real life": for example, the night John Lennon fell in love with Yoko Ono, he went to see her first(?) solo show in London. In one room, there was nothing except for a ladder reaching up to the ceiling. When he climbed it, he found a magnifying glass, and using it to see the tiny letters written on the ceiling, he was able to make out a single word: YES.
I, too, used to use literature as a barometer for how my life should be. While I didn't use romance novels (I was more of a brooding, dark novel kinda girl) I understand the appeal. I understand why you would want this fantastic world to become your own; I understand why a lack of something creates a want greater than you can handle. But here's the thing: realistically, as you well know, this isn't going to happen. I agree with Cary, you should leave yourself open and receptive to new romance. More importantly you should leave yourself open to new experience. I hate to say this, but I don't think that love is the be all, end all experience. Self-realization is. Sometimes that comes with love when you find the person who "completes you," or sometimes that comes with doing what you love.
Have you ever noticed that when you're looking for your keys you always tend to find them when you're off doing something else? Perhaps if you poured your energy into something else you'll be able to find the love that you so yearn for. Take a class. Purchase your literature at the neighbourhood bookstore as opposed to the grocery store. It is through these experiences that you find someone who has similar interests which can be the basis for much more. You don't have to actively search for something to find it, just let life happen around you.
Good luck.
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