You want to find the perfect life partner?

It's easy - you just have to BE the perfect life partner.

Now ask yourself how hard you are prepared to work at that. That's how likely you are to realize your dreams. Now wake up. Get real. Start working at it.

Maybe the way to give up the fantasy romance you have created is to study a little bit closer the real-life ones you observe. For example, it is wonderful and rare that after 35 years of marriage your parents are still in love, but doubtful that their romance has anything in common with the grocery store bodice rippers. Ask real couples you know, both the happy and less than happy ones, what they believe is the secret to romantic love. Chances are it has more to do with being interested and interesting than it does with any formula in a book.

JKerrigan

P.S. To change the story in your mind, change the stories you read!

There really is such a thing as a soulmate. There is someone you are destined to be with.

Don't let anyone feed you a New Age line about there being a million possible soul mates out there and it's all a matter of perspective . . . . they're just feeding you a line. Get out of your own way, work on your spiritual development, and you will find the one for you.

I don't think the advice given was rock solid.

First of all, this is a rare and valid example of parents' perfect marriage actually ruining it for the offspring. Offspring are supposed to improve on the first model, right? There's the root of your problem.

I would say enjoy those novels; they provide an outlet the way movies do. you could even laugh at the way it makes it seem realistic (that's what i do with movies: "yeah, right. you're leaving your fiance for someone you just saw walk through the train station for the first time, and the fiance says 'oh well, better luck next time'. Yeah, right...")

enjoy them for what they are, and realise them for that. you haven't said what those relationships have been like. you have to be comfortable with the person and honest about your level of comfort. if they want to stick it out, you'll probably end up with a good one (but not a bodice-ripper-- remember, that's for the hottub reading). I bet you'll find you share some positive relationship traits that even your parents don't have; maybe not better, but different.

Good luck.

PS How old are you? Are you under 30? I bet so...

My experience is that "happily ever after" means finding someone who is ready to build a life, when you are ready, as well. I have been with "Mr. Right Now" for 17 years.

Like LW, I learned about relationships at home. My lessons and role models were different than LW's, though. My mother has been married four times, because she cannot chill out and be accepting of her partner. From this, I learned to dial it down a notch. I don't believe that roses on Valentines Day is a measure of my man's love. Because I do not hold him to some arbitrary standard, I find things to cherish, daily.

I would like to recommend that LW rent the movie "As Good As It Gets". When we are open to people in a general way, we are open to all kinds of love.

I know many romance writers, and their lives are not like their books. They tend to be tough, compassionate, kind women who've been through a lot and enjoy creating three hours' enjoyment for readers who understand the difference between reality and illusion.

Personally, I don't read romances because, as a single woman, I am not convinced that love is all things and love comes to everyone. Some of this is my fault. Some of this is the luck of the draw.

If the books are interfering in your self-esteem and your ability to build a life, even without the sighed-after idealized Love, then read something else. But if they're not, enjoy the rush and the respite.

...that there is a complimentary article on salon.com today about bimbo role models for teenage girls. I grew up on romance novels, but find them boring today as an adult. They don't seem to resemble anything that I recognize as either love or lust.

What I notice in both articles is that they really seem to be about the desire of ordinary-looking people (whether men or women -- this is universal) to acquire a super-attractive sexual partner. In real life, this is next to impossible, so we relegate to the land of fantasy, whether that fantasy is romance novels (women) or porn (men).

The reality is that most of us are ordinary looking, and therefore can only attract ordinary partners. I know some fantasy is healthy and normal, but in our extremely materialistic culture, it can take on truly obsessive characteristics. When fantasy about the super-attractive dream-partner is an idle daydream, it may be pretty harmless. But when it causes otherwise sane human beings to spend thousands of dollars (sometimes money they don't have) on foolish beauty products, plastic surgery, elaborate clothing, internet porn, mail-order brides and so on, it becomes a force for self-destructive behavior and self-hatred.

Brightstar -- are you listening????